Long, ranty journal.
Ok, so it’s been a really long time since I posted anything on here. To be honest, between school (and finals!), family, friends, and doctor’s appointments, I had some free time in which I could have posted a journal on here. Frankly, I didn’t feel like it, an no, not because of the recent spate of BFPs. Although I’m heartbroken about not getting my miracle yet, I am heartened, and quite excited by, all of my friends on here who have gotten their miracles! I have actually been reading all of your journals, and have commented on a few. Lately, I just haven’t felt like talking, typing or doing much other than thinking.
I’ve spent the last month bouncing ideas around in my head and going through the same old routines every day. I’ve gotten nowhere, to be honest, and now I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels, rehashing the same old crap. Something has got to change!
This entry will be long, so don’t feel obligated to read all of it. I’m just getting out onto “paper” everything important to me that’s happened since I last journalled my thoughts and life events, and adding in my current thoughts. I’m not looking for advice. What I realized today that I really need is friends, and not just any friends, friends who know what I’m going through, who can offer support and input into my ideas.
I’m looking for, and ultimately need, helpful ideas (and maybe even recipes sent my way) and honest to god friends. People who are willing to send me regular emails or a message to see how I’m doing or give me a pep talk when I’m down. I don’t expect any of you to do so. Honestly, I don’t expect anyone to make that effort for me, but I will say I’m perfectly willing to do so for someone else. I know if I need a good friend, someone else around me does as well. So really, I’m looking for someone I can be a friend to, who maybe will be a friend to me as well.
Ok, on to the ‘important events’ before I get even more sidetracked by rants.
First and foremost, my Dad: He’s doing well. The required oxygen levels needed for him to breathe properly are going down, slowly but surely. Unfortunately, the damage to his lungs is looking to be permanent and caused by the chemo he was last receiving. All evidence of the pneumonia that was keeping him in the hospital for the last 2 weeks of the month he was there is gone, so there’s a plus! It’ll still be a long journey, but I think he’s come around to the idea that he’s going to die one day, a lot sooner than he thought, and is trying to make the most of it. Of the rest of the family, I think my DH and I are the only ones preparing ourselves for him to die soon.
School: Is done! Well, for this year anyway. I’ve passed all of my finals and ended this semester with a 4.0 GPA, which brings my year cumulative GPA to a 3.99 (I got a 3.98 last semester). My overall cumulative GPA is a 3.15, which takes into account my horrid first college program’s GPA (I ended that program with a 2.66 because I didn’t apply myself and let drama interfere with my studies). This year was pretty basic and very easy for the most part. I only struggled with two courses and I am happy to report a 91% and a 95% final grade for those two courses. Now I just have to wait for my info (including tuition costs and book list) for September.
Other events: I went to my GP for a follow up regarding the Metformin. My blood test results came back completely normal, so I am sticking with the 2.5mg twice a day routine for now. I also got xrays of my ankles done because I’ve been having issues with them ‘rolling’ as I call in, inverting as my GP calls it. The xrays only showed evidence of an old ligament injury, so I’m taking that as a definitive that I do NOT, in fact, have arthritis in my right ankle! My GP prescribed a pair of ASO braces, so now I just need to hunt them down and once I get them, can walk without fear of falling due to my ankles inverting.
I went to the bariatric clinic orientation session and left feeling like they were trying to railroad us all into one option and it was take that option or go elsewhere for help. I did sign up for an orientation session on their ‘medical weight loss’ program, but I’m very unsure about that as well. Basically you’re on OptiFast for 12 weeks (at a cost of roughly $100 a week), then you slowly reintroduce food and exercise.
My problem isn’t with the optifast, per say. Really it’s the cost, all will be out of pocket and I can’t afford that, and it’s the fact that you’re on 900 calories a day (or less because most people can’t stomach the optifast for that long a time) and you’re discouraged from doing any form of exercise at all while on it. Yes I’d lose weight, and rapidly, but how healthy is it to suddenly drop that much weight? What about all the saggy skin I’d have to live with after I drop the weight?
Very unsure of this path, but I will at least hear them out should I get into an orientation session.
My weight loss has been quite stagnant really. I find it very hard to build up the motivation to do, well anything. I think most of my problem is that I can’t see the forest for all the trees, so to speak. All I see ahead of me are options, lots and lots of options. Each option leads to a different path, but there are so many paths and options that I just can’t figure out where to start! I’m scared to go down the wrong path and get lost. Currently, fear and anxiety are stopping me from even stating!
My current goal is to lose weight. I don’t even care how much I lose; I just want to start on that path. I also need to figure out the RE ‘problem’, but at least I have an idea of where I want to go in that direction.
So that’s all of that.
Today, I’m sat at my computer ‘writing down’ events and trying to make sense of the thoughts swirling about in my head. I’m scared, worried, anxious, lost and starting to feel depressed again. I realized that I have too much time to think. All of this ‘thinking time’ should be turned into actions, but there’s where the problem for me lies. What action do I take?
It’s like looking at a house that’s been destroyed and trying to figure out where to start? Is it structurally sound? If so, what room to you fix first? Do you fix the kitchen so you can prepare meals, or do you start with the bathrooms first? What about the bedrooms? Do you have enough money to fix it all right now, or do you slowly work room by room? If so, where will you stay while you work on fixing it? Once you figure out all that, how do you fix it? Make it look like it once did, or improve upon it? Tile or hardwood? Blue or green? The questions are endless.
Therein lies my problem: where do I start? How do I start?
My DH often teases me for being a thinker, while he’s a doer. My thoughts and ideas give me too many options and then fear and anxiety keeps me from acting on any one idea. How do I get out of this frustratingly endless loop?
If you got to the end of this: congrats! You should treat yourself to a cookie for reading 1,328 words, carefully put together in order to get some thoughts out of my head for a little while.
I’ve spent the last month bouncing ideas around in my head and going through the same old routines every day. I’ve gotten nowhere, to be honest, and now I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels, rehashing the same old crap. Something has got to change!
This entry will be long, so don’t feel obligated to read all of it. I’m just getting out onto “paper” everything important to me that’s happened since I last journalled my thoughts and life events, and adding in my current thoughts. I’m not looking for advice. What I realized today that I really need is friends, and not just any friends, friends who know what I’m going through, who can offer support and input into my ideas.
I’m looking for, and ultimately need, helpful ideas (and maybe even recipes sent my way) and honest to god friends. People who are willing to send me regular emails or a message to see how I’m doing or give me a pep talk when I’m down. I don’t expect any of you to do so. Honestly, I don’t expect anyone to make that effort for me, but I will say I’m perfectly willing to do so for someone else. I know if I need a good friend, someone else around me does as well. So really, I’m looking for someone I can be a friend to, who maybe will be a friend to me as well.
Ok, on to the ‘important events’ before I get even more sidetracked by rants.
First and foremost, my Dad: He’s doing well. The required oxygen levels needed for him to breathe properly are going down, slowly but surely. Unfortunately, the damage to his lungs is looking to be permanent and caused by the chemo he was last receiving. All evidence of the pneumonia that was keeping him in the hospital for the last 2 weeks of the month he was there is gone, so there’s a plus! It’ll still be a long journey, but I think he’s come around to the idea that he’s going to die one day, a lot sooner than he thought, and is trying to make the most of it. Of the rest of the family, I think my DH and I are the only ones preparing ourselves for him to die soon.
School: Is done! Well, for this year anyway. I’ve passed all of my finals and ended this semester with a 4.0 GPA, which brings my year cumulative GPA to a 3.99 (I got a 3.98 last semester). My overall cumulative GPA is a 3.15, which takes into account my horrid first college program’s GPA (I ended that program with a 2.66 because I didn’t apply myself and let drama interfere with my studies). This year was pretty basic and very easy for the most part. I only struggled with two courses and I am happy to report a 91% and a 95% final grade for those two courses. Now I just have to wait for my info (including tuition costs and book list) for September.
Other events: I went to my GP for a follow up regarding the Metformin. My blood test results came back completely normal, so I am sticking with the 2.5mg twice a day routine for now. I also got xrays of my ankles done because I’ve been having issues with them ‘rolling’ as I call in, inverting as my GP calls it. The xrays only showed evidence of an old ligament injury, so I’m taking that as a definitive that I do NOT, in fact, have arthritis in my right ankle! My GP prescribed a pair of ASO braces, so now I just need to hunt them down and once I get them, can walk without fear of falling due to my ankles inverting.
I went to the bariatric clinic orientation session and left feeling like they were trying to railroad us all into one option and it was take that option or go elsewhere for help. I did sign up for an orientation session on their ‘medical weight loss’ program, but I’m very unsure about that as well. Basically you’re on OptiFast for 12 weeks (at a cost of roughly $100 a week), then you slowly reintroduce food and exercise.
My problem isn’t with the optifast, per say. Really it’s the cost, all will be out of pocket and I can’t afford that, and it’s the fact that you’re on 900 calories a day (or less because most people can’t stomach the optifast for that long a time) and you’re discouraged from doing any form of exercise at all while on it. Yes I’d lose weight, and rapidly, but how healthy is it to suddenly drop that much weight? What about all the saggy skin I’d have to live with after I drop the weight?
Very unsure of this path, but I will at least hear them out should I get into an orientation session.
My weight loss has been quite stagnant really. I find it very hard to build up the motivation to do, well anything. I think most of my problem is that I can’t see the forest for all the trees, so to speak. All I see ahead of me are options, lots and lots of options. Each option leads to a different path, but there are so many paths and options that I just can’t figure out where to start! I’m scared to go down the wrong path and get lost. Currently, fear and anxiety are stopping me from even stating!
My current goal is to lose weight. I don’t even care how much I lose; I just want to start on that path. I also need to figure out the RE ‘problem’, but at least I have an idea of where I want to go in that direction.
So that’s all of that.
Today, I’m sat at my computer ‘writing down’ events and trying to make sense of the thoughts swirling about in my head. I’m scared, worried, anxious, lost and starting to feel depressed again. I realized that I have too much time to think. All of this ‘thinking time’ should be turned into actions, but there’s where the problem for me lies. What action do I take?
It’s like looking at a house that’s been destroyed and trying to figure out where to start? Is it structurally sound? If so, what room to you fix first? Do you fix the kitchen so you can prepare meals, or do you start with the bathrooms first? What about the bedrooms? Do you have enough money to fix it all right now, or do you slowly work room by room? If so, where will you stay while you work on fixing it? Once you figure out all that, how do you fix it? Make it look like it once did, or improve upon it? Tile or hardwood? Blue or green? The questions are endless.
Therein lies my problem: where do I start? How do I start?
My DH often teases me for being a thinker, while he’s a doer. My thoughts and ideas give me too many options and then fear and anxiety keeps me from acting on any one idea. How do I get out of this frustratingly endless loop?
If you got to the end of this: congrats! You should treat yourself to a cookie for reading 1,328 words, carefully put together in order to get some thoughts out of my head for a little while.
Replies
Oh my gosh, how did I miss this? It\'s so good to hear from you. Even if you aren\'t saying anything, it\'s good to know you\'re hanging around.
First of all, congrats on the amazing GPA! That\'s no easy feat, and I hope you\'re incredibly proud of yourself!
Second of all, the bariatic clinic sounds a little shady. I\'m no nutritionist but that doesn\'t seem very healthy. I think I would try to explore a few other options before I committed to anything.
As for where to start - I don\'t think it matters. I think you just need to take a deep breath, close your eyes, and jump in. Wherever you land is wherever you start. You\'re stronger than you think you are, and you don\'t give yourself nearly enough credit. I have total faith in you that you\'ll be able to do this :)
Thanks Karen! I\'ve been hearing the \"you\'re stronger than you think you are\" line a lot lately. I admitted to one of the teachers who\'s course I really struggled with that I have a self confidence issue, in that I have none, and he looked me in the eye (hard for him to do, which he admits a lot) and said that I don\'t appear to have any issues whatsoever to him, and that I have a lot I should be confident about, and then said the whole \"stronger than you think you are\" line.
As for the GPA, I literally did a dance when I found out, then called up my DH and told him, and we celebrated that night!
Congrats on your gpa- that\'s a huge accomplishment! I am also a thinker, and I overanalyze everything to a fault. I understand it\'s hard to know where to start. Karen has a good point- just take a leap. You will feel so good once the ball is rolling :)