long rant.. sorry

Hello friends, hope everyone is well. I just wanted to talk about my feelings, I need an outlet and I have gotten pretty great feedback here. So I hope it is alright that I vent a little. I think I know where my issues stem from, I have a pretty messed up family and this year has brought everything to the surface. Its been rough for all of my siblings, my parents and anyone involved with my family. But we have taken light of the situatuon and been grateful it has made us all closer. I remember binging as a kid, over-eating and finding comfort in eating a lot. I was always much heavier than all of my friends, I never actually looked heavy and actually had quite a lot of muscle on my body. They always compaired weights and I remember in 4th grade lying about how much I weighed... I also had a very stressful childhood, I have always have social anxiety and I would come home to an angry dad. I loved and hated school all at the same time. I wanted to be there, but always hated going. I was never good at testing and some of my teachers had this pre-disposition about me because of my older brother(who had severe adhd and was just the craziest kid). As a kid this was stressful to me and I would come home and just eat everything I could, eat dinner, have seconds and then eat more food after dinner. I remeber wondering why my mom didnt stop me, and i really wish she would have. But its not her fault, I have so many siblings that it would be insanly hard to keep track of the food intake. 

I then had to leave my grade school and go to a school in the city, an hour from my home all alone. I knew a couple people there, but in my class i knew no one. that was my worst nightmare because i still suffered from social anxiety and i had horrible body image. After a while it was fine, and i got along with everyone and kept my cool. But after the year ended I realized I couldnt keep up with the testing and work load (which was 7+hours a night(their rules)). I was then homeschooled for two years of highschool, along with my younger brother who has a very rare form of autism. My mom did not teach us anything and put me incharge of him and my youngest baby sister all day long. This went on for two years, I taught myself, taught my brother and raised my youngest sister. My mom then decided to ship me off to a different state to live with my sister and her husband and finish highschool at an amazing school. I had the hardest time leaving my sister behind, I worried about how she was going to be cared for and if she was going to be fed. Especially because my mom had moved her into my room when she was 2 months old. So I had her night and day for two years straight, and I truly believed my mom wouldnt know how to properly care for her. 

I finally moved in to my sisters house and was starting school very soon. I didnt know anyone at the new school and found out the school had manditory choir and theater... I dont know about you guys, but those two things are still my biggest fears. I absolutley hateee acting infront of people and singing in front of people. And my choir teacher loved to single me out and make me sing alone. He thought i was defiant, but in reality I was just having panic attacks. And I also realized I wasnt too popular, I hung out with the troubled kids. Which I was totally fine with and to this day i still love them to death. But it wasnt until I started losing weight I became more lovable. Highschool is a cruel place to be when you have low self esteem. I remember i started to test the waters with bulimia. But it didnt last long, I then switched to being vegitarian for awhile, than back to sometimes binging and purging. Then it went to skipping breakfast, snacking at lunch and having a big dinner. And if i went on a date that night i wouldnt eat dinner at all. I was always having severe stomach pains and napping at odd times. Guys started to notice me and I actually dated a guy for a year, I actually invested all of my time into him and didnt think anything of my eating habits. Of course i kept on starving myself, but never got to an unhealthy weight. Then towards the end of my highschool career i started bulimia again. I had told him about it and he just told me I was gross.. I then dated him for a little longer until i moved back home. I dumped his stupid ass and moved in with my older sister. I loved living there and actually had a great relationship with food and exercise. But as I got stronger I was to be thinner, so I started binging and purging again only after dinner. 

I became very unhappy there for my own reasons and decided to move to another state with a different sister who was about to get married. I literally planned a huge chunk of her wedding for her and it was sooo stressful. And at the same time I was trying to deal with getting my liceanse, a job and become independant. I couldnt do that though because my mom likes to keep all of her kids info with her and use it as a bribe for them to come home. She doesnt like helping her kids be successful which is so odd to me. But after I finally got it all taken care of and my sisters wedding was almost done being planned, life because very stressful there. Her fiance didnt want me to live with them because he wanted the house to themselves, which i understand but at the time it was so hurtful to me. They would fight all of them time, and it was all about me. I finally got up and left and went back home to live with my mom. A couple months later my sister got married and at her wedding I met a guy I really liked. I ended up talking to him for a while and then dated him. He made me feel so special, so amazing and so loved. He always said things like "I cant believe youre mine" and he told me he loved me. He also spent way too much time with my family and grew great relationships with them. After a while of dating I found out he was talking to a girl he liked before me. I asked about her and he said he had no feelings for her anymore and me being the stupid ass i am believed him. He slowly started losing interest and contact and everytime we were together he was drunk or high. I finally confronted him about it and he spilled his heart out, but made it seem like he was the one suffering because he had such adeep feelings for an old fuck buddy.. which he didnt, he just wanted to fuck her again. So we decided to take a break for a week so he could figure stuff out. I called him after the week and asked him what his decision was, and he told me he chose her because if he never tried, he would never know and that would kill him.. (and mind you, I have no idea why i even gave him the time of day after finding this all out in the first place) Thats when my depression kicked in and it kicked in hard. I slept for a week straight and didnt eat the whole time, When i did eat it turned into emotional binges which turned into purging. And thats when my bulimia was at its all time low, I was always cold, frail and had no reason to live. I thought about killing myself many times but never went through with it. Around halloween I had chopped all my hair off and really rocked the pixie cut, and started to post pics on instagram again. specifically on Hallloween I had posted a picture of myself and my ex commented. This really shook me up because I had gotten out of my depression and was finally not thinking about him. Then slowly he started to reach out to me and we started talking again.. (again I have no idea why i did this..) and we go into the new year and we are talking a lot. Hes calling me and we are having nice little chats. But then I realize hes starting to call me drunk. And this is what kills me the most, I have two alcoholic parents, two brothers who abuse alcohol and a lot of drug issues with my family. So it made me feel absolutely teriible. 

Then out of no where I am contacted by this gorgeous amazing girl who says my ex dated her right after breaking up with me. And this girl wasnt the girl he told me about, It was her best friend.... how fucked up. she proceeded to tell me that he dated her for a month, cheated on her a million times and then dumber her because of that same girl he dumped me for. And she said she found out he cheated on me as well with a couple different girls. I was so upset by this and actually stopped responding to her. I also stopped talking to my ex over a tiny fight we had and I am so grateful that happened. Then out of nowhere I started talking to that girl again, and she actually lived 15 minutes from my house and was neighbors with my sister. We became really great friends and she helped me find so much love for myself. I still the heck out of her and will forever owe her my life. She had also struggled with bulimia and gave me lots of tips which i still use today. 

After a couple months my mom decided to divorce my dad. And we pretty much just got up and left without him knowing. I had never felt more guilty in my life, especially because I wasnt choosing sides, But by taking me with my mom was forcing me to take her side. And so a spent a week with her until my grandparents took her in and I went back home with my dad. He was so depressed and was avoiding the guy who was serving him divorce papers. This went on for a week until he asked me to except them for him. Of course I did,  and yes it was very hard. The man who served them was almost in tears seeing me do this for my dad. This whole divorce has been so fucked up and messy, but I have realized so many things about my family and I am determined to not be anything like them. But I am stuck with my Dads depression and binging problem and my moms anxiety and vanity. I emotionally eat but I fear being fat and unlovable. But I also know gaining weight wont make me unlovable, and I know eating food wont kill me, And I know binging solves no problems, And I know how to eat and how much to eat and how amazing food is for the body. It doesnt matter tho, as much as I am educated, I am sick. And I just want help, I want to be free from my eating disorder. I want to have self control but have self love come along with it. I am sick of "controlling" every aspect of my life, I know God has a plan for me, why cant I be more patient? 

I am sorry this turned into such a rant, especially about dumb exs.. But I swear those two guys who made me feel so unworthy and helpless are just two assholes. Who have nothing right now, one is an athiest and one still lives in his moms basement. And maybe they turned out that way for a reason and I just deserve better. I also deserve to treat myself better but dont know how to, Hopefully one day I will find out and be able to share my love with all of you. But for now, I will keep trying and If anyone wants to talk please chat me up. I have been through a lot and I just know people who have it way worse. Maybe I can help? I hope you all have wonderful days, free from stress and overthinking.