Long night

I am so tired today.....I went to bed last night and tried with everything I had to ignore the pain, that however did not work, I laid there in silent agony while Justin slept next to me, for some reason the pain killer was not touching it last night, so I laid in total agony......As I laid there I started thinking about things, just trying to get my mind off of the pain that was coursing through my body. I thought about how angry I am that I have to go through this, again....how angry I am that I allowed a doctor to tell me a hysterectomy would take care of it and it would not come back, angry that I rushed into that hysterectomy thinking only about being free from the endo. and now how angry I am that this shit is back. I thought about how sad I am that I can not give the man I love more than anything in this world a baby, how I will never feel a life growing in me again. I thought about how mad I am that druggies and abusers are allowed to have babies and then me and my sisters at DS can not. I thought about how unfair it is that we even have to suffer from this disease. I thought about how I now have burns on my legs from the heating pad, I thought about the fact I am always drugged up anymore, to the point I can not keep track of anything. I am so tired, I am so exhausted.....Tired and Exhausted from fighting the pain, from trying to pretend I am ok, from trying to work in agony, from trying to just live a normal freaking life. I want to just sit and cry, I want to be held why I sob out all the anger, frustration, fear, and every other emotion that I am dealing with right now. I am very down and I am tired of hearing all those around me saying it will be alright, cause it is not alright and I am far from ok. I am tired of pretending that I am, I am tired of pretending that I am not in pain, I am tired of putting on the fake smile.    I HURT and I hurt bad, I want to die sometimes cause the damn pain is so bad, I am just so sick of this. Is it ever going to go away? Are we ever going to be free from this monster? I hate this!!!!!!!!!!!