Long Day...Learning to Pick my Battles.
I took the day off today, since I had 2 separate appointments. An interview this morning, since I'm kind of trying to get out from under my current job situation to keep my sanity. The interview went so-so, but I don't think it's where I "need" to be given the fact that there aren't any incentives to advance to a higher level AND for the simple fact that I'd be taking a voluntary demotion, losing about $12 dollars per pay to boot. The money is not THAT much of a loss, but it's just not worth it when I put it all into perspective. However, I wonder sometimes if I should take the job (should they offer) just to get away from the hell I go through almost every day to make a living and take care of my son, my mother and my wonderful, little apartment. I never want to seem like I'm not grateful...God, I'm thankful for what you've blessed me with...it's what I asked for...financial help, and I guess I should have been more specific, because I love what I do, but I didn't really expect for these people to drive me crazy. Not exactly all I asked for, you gave me what I asked...and I received. I know that I need to wait on You for an answer, but I'm going to keep searching, until you let me know it's the right one.
Then as always, the issues with mom...I come home to change and grab a bite before I run to my next appointment (my son's school). She asks me if I was going to the store because she needed change for transportation to an appointment, so I told her that I had change she could have and that I was heading out to meet with my son's school counselor...she then asks me, why what's going on? This question now bothers me because I know that if I discuss with her the problem, she will try to intervene and tell me what she thinks I should do or she will try to talk to him about it or be the Grandmother police, NOT what I want. So I replied that I didn't know, but would find out.
So, I had to go to my son's school, because his academics have been suffering lately, in spite of the fact that he's in advanced classes...taking high school math, since 8th grade math is too easy...they tell me how intelligent he is, how bright and smart he is, but then tell me they are concerned because his grades don't show his intelligence or what he's capable of. He reads like an adult and his penmanship is above average and they all agreed. Then they mentioned his independence and socialization skills, or lack thereof. I know they are lacking since I allowed my mother to convince me to keep him from alot of things, because she was so paranoid and just to keep from arguing or friction, I complied. I kept him from making friends outside of school, until I met my boyfriend 3 years ago (which was long overdue), and it upsets me that he's helped me to see that he's my child...not hers, and I have to stand by what I believe in and take care of my son the way I see fit, not her. I'm really upset with myself for allowing her to influence how my son was to be raised. She didn't want me buying him a bike, she didn't want me to buy him a scooter, she didn't want him making friends around the neighborhood...just keeping him inside made things worse and now he's a sheltered child, still new to making friends, still doesn't really know how to interact with other children appropriately, and my boy is suffering as a result. It's just not fair.
I get home from the appointment...not happy, more concerned for my child than anything. Spoke with my significant other and he's still so very encouraging, even when I can't see what I've done for my son, he can. He recommended therapy for both of us, and I think he's right, so I'll be including him when I start my therapy as well. Then, I take change to mom and she asks again about my son's situation at school, asking if it's about him not taking his lunch (just something else for her to rag on him about in the morning) and instead of going into detail, I just told her that I have much work to do and we are going to start going to therapy...she just goes "hmmm". Then she tells me that he came to her this morning asking her for notebook paper...and I said, "why would he ask you for paper, how would you get paper for him?" She said, "oh I don't know, I just told him I didn't have any." Just another problem...because of how she has treated him (especially when I was on the road working for 2 years) his mentality is still to go to her and not me when he needs something, which bothers me too. So I asked her if she wouldn't mind redirecting my son to me, when he asks for something, because I won't know unless he asks me. She got a little defensive and said, "well it wasn't ME! HE asked ME". I replied, "I know, but he just needs to come to his mother when he needs something, that's all."
I try not to hang around as much as I use to because I'm finding that I had allowed her to use me (or anyone else in the house for that matter) as a communication crutch, instead of talking to anyone else!!! She has shut out contact with the outside world, and has created her world around me, my son and my boyfriend. I want so much for her to have her own friends and more people to talk to or even spend time with...she has family and friends who have stopped calling since she won't answer the phone when she knows who it is. It's a shame when I can't even have my own friends over since I know mom will just invite herself out into our 30ish year old conversation and instead of joining in, she sits between us and continues to laugh loudly at the television while my company was here visiting...and my friend thought she'd done something wrong. So embarrassing.
So anyway, later on, she's getting ready for her Dr. appointment tomorrow and calls me on my cell to ask if my son has his house key...I said "Yes he has it, why?" She says, "I told him that I need it for tomorrow." So I replied, "Well, you can have my key," just like we've done before (since my boyfriend and I both have keys) and she reponds with an attitude..."well, I don't care what key it is as long as it opens the door." What she doesn't realize is that it's not the key...it's the fact that I need for her to come to me since I'm caring for her and for my son to come to ME since I'm his mother...not for her to go to him or vice versa. I want them both to understand why I'm doing things this way now. There was never any separation between them since his birth and she doesn't realize that not all grandparents have the luxury of having their grandchildren in the home with them. She doesn't even appreciate him as her grandchild, she treats him like her little "gopher-slave". The separation needs to take place sooner than later, because I can't accept my son feeling any type of resentment towards his grandmother. I want his memories of his grandmother to always be pleasant ones...not of ones filled with "my grandmother bossed me around, making me do everything and yelled at me all the time."
I think I may write my mother a letter. She will most likely be upset with me or think I'm upset with her and shut down...it may be the only way.
Then as always, the issues with mom...I come home to change and grab a bite before I run to my next appointment (my son's school). She asks me if I was going to the store because she needed change for transportation to an appointment, so I told her that I had change she could have and that I was heading out to meet with my son's school counselor...she then asks me, why what's going on? This question now bothers me because I know that if I discuss with her the problem, she will try to intervene and tell me what she thinks I should do or she will try to talk to him about it or be the Grandmother police, NOT what I want. So I replied that I didn't know, but would find out.
So, I had to go to my son's school, because his academics have been suffering lately, in spite of the fact that he's in advanced classes...taking high school math, since 8th grade math is too easy...they tell me how intelligent he is, how bright and smart he is, but then tell me they are concerned because his grades don't show his intelligence or what he's capable of. He reads like an adult and his penmanship is above average and they all agreed. Then they mentioned his independence and socialization skills, or lack thereof. I know they are lacking since I allowed my mother to convince me to keep him from alot of things, because she was so paranoid and just to keep from arguing or friction, I complied. I kept him from making friends outside of school, until I met my boyfriend 3 years ago (which was long overdue), and it upsets me that he's helped me to see that he's my child...not hers, and I have to stand by what I believe in and take care of my son the way I see fit, not her. I'm really upset with myself for allowing her to influence how my son was to be raised. She didn't want me buying him a bike, she didn't want me to buy him a scooter, she didn't want him making friends around the neighborhood...just keeping him inside made things worse and now he's a sheltered child, still new to making friends, still doesn't really know how to interact with other children appropriately, and my boy is suffering as a result. It's just not fair.
I get home from the appointment...not happy, more concerned for my child than anything. Spoke with my significant other and he's still so very encouraging, even when I can't see what I've done for my son, he can. He recommended therapy for both of us, and I think he's right, so I'll be including him when I start my therapy as well. Then, I take change to mom and she asks again about my son's situation at school, asking if it's about him not taking his lunch (just something else for her to rag on him about in the morning) and instead of going into detail, I just told her that I have much work to do and we are going to start going to therapy...she just goes "hmmm". Then she tells me that he came to her this morning asking her for notebook paper...and I said, "why would he ask you for paper, how would you get paper for him?" She said, "oh I don't know, I just told him I didn't have any." Just another problem...because of how she has treated him (especially when I was on the road working for 2 years) his mentality is still to go to her and not me when he needs something, which bothers me too. So I asked her if she wouldn't mind redirecting my son to me, when he asks for something, because I won't know unless he asks me. She got a little defensive and said, "well it wasn't ME! HE asked ME". I replied, "I know, but he just needs to come to his mother when he needs something, that's all."
I try not to hang around as much as I use to because I'm finding that I had allowed her to use me (or anyone else in the house for that matter) as a communication crutch, instead of talking to anyone else!!! She has shut out contact with the outside world, and has created her world around me, my son and my boyfriend. I want so much for her to have her own friends and more people to talk to or even spend time with...she has family and friends who have stopped calling since she won't answer the phone when she knows who it is. It's a shame when I can't even have my own friends over since I know mom will just invite herself out into our 30ish year old conversation and instead of joining in, she sits between us and continues to laugh loudly at the television while my company was here visiting...and my friend thought she'd done something wrong. So embarrassing.
So anyway, later on, she's getting ready for her Dr. appointment tomorrow and calls me on my cell to ask if my son has his house key...I said "Yes he has it, why?" She says, "I told him that I need it for tomorrow." So I replied, "Well, you can have my key," just like we've done before (since my boyfriend and I both have keys) and she reponds with an attitude..."well, I don't care what key it is as long as it opens the door." What she doesn't realize is that it's not the key...it's the fact that I need for her to come to me since I'm caring for her and for my son to come to ME since I'm his mother...not for her to go to him or vice versa. I want them both to understand why I'm doing things this way now. There was never any separation between them since his birth and she doesn't realize that not all grandparents have the luxury of having their grandchildren in the home with them. She doesn't even appreciate him as her grandchild, she treats him like her little "gopher-slave". The separation needs to take place sooner than later, because I can't accept my son feeling any type of resentment towards his grandmother. I want his memories of his grandmother to always be pleasant ones...not of ones filled with "my grandmother bossed me around, making me do everything and yelled at me all the time."
I think I may write my mother a letter. She will most likely be upset with me or think I'm upset with her and shut down...it may be the only way.
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