lonely a little bit
Hung with friends tonight and had a good time. Just got home and am lonely.All is well just get a little lonely. I committed to do a talk next Thurs. at a therapy grp. that I am in. I have shared my story many times in AA over the years and I am used to that, but that is very general and scaled down. This grp I must share my childhood and details of my crazy past . I just wrote it down a couple mo. ago and set it down because it put me in a tailspin. I am so scared to share it because there is so much feeling attached to it and dont know if I can make it through it. I have been having flashbacks from my past that make my chest tight and make me sick to my stomache.I have not let anyone touch me for 6 mo, because I cannot take it right now. A friend grabbed me and gave me a hug last night before I could react . I trust him but I obsessed about it afterward. After I speak I have to make sure that I am clear that I cannot accept hugs or touching afterward. It hurts too much. I am in a good space but just writing about it makes me sick to my stomache. I also do not want people to know how messed up my past was and how broken I am. I do not understand if it hurts so much why cant I cry about it. I dont get that.So I guess this is my path and the fact that it hurts and I am willing to do it anyway it is good. I have to trust that God has a plan, and there is good reason for everything in my life and it will be used in a positive way some day. I do trust that right now.
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Hi Cire I was so good at English loved writing love music but somehow when the Acromonster came to play,I lost something somewhere I loved I did not notice myself at first and my sentences are wrong I say things and people are rolling around laughing.I said something at christmas at a meal and the whole table burst out laughing.Talk about die and let me hide under the table.The thing I have had people on here and in my life comment ask questions why cant you write theres something unusual.I somehow have this block its hard to explain.I know this is something I have got to work on start again.I think and same as you trust thats theres reasons why we go through things although sometimes what some people go through you question.
you are on the right path and you know more about yourself; then others and that is a good thing and you also try to face your fears and I believe you\'ll get through this and you are right our higher power has a plan for all of us. Much Love Always your forever Friend Vino.
maybe you cant cry because you think if you ever start you will never stop. that is how i used to feel and if i cried in front of someone i immediatly wanted to disassociate myself from them . i have found it\'s best to share these things with my theripist or a group. In the state i used to live in they had a sexual assult crisis center where a theripist led the group it was so usedful in much of my recovery. Just do what your strong enough to do and then try and leave it all behind somehow. peace and love