lonely a little bit

Hung with friends tonight and had a good time. Just got home and am lonely.All is well just get a little lonely.    I committed to do a talk next Thurs. at a therapy grp. that I am in. I have shared my story many times in AA over the years and I am used to that, but that is very general and scaled down. This grp I must share my childhood and details of my crazy past . I just wrote it down a couple mo. ago and set it down because it put me in a tailspin. I am so scared to share it because there is so much feeling attached to it and dont know if I can make it through it. I have been having flashbacks from my past that make my chest tight and make me sick to my stomache.I have not let anyone touch me for 6 mo, because I cannot take it right now. A friend grabbed me and gave me a hug last night before I could react . I trust him but I obsessed about it afterward. After I speak I have to make sure that I am clear that I cannot accept hugs or touching afterward. It hurts too much. I am in a good space but just writing about it makes me sick to my stomache. I also do not want people to know how messed up my past was and how broken I am. I do not understand if it hurts so much why cant I cry about it. I dont get that.So I guess this is my path and the fact that it hurts and I am willing to do it anyway it is good. I have to trust that God has a plan, and there is good reason for everything in my life and it will be used in a positive way some day. I do trust that right now.