Lonely

Wow!  I haven't been in here for such a long time.  I guess I should be. 
reading one of my last journals.  
chip and I are now divorced (again).  It's been 2 years.   Reading a post from sept of 17, I guess I now know who chip was texting.  Pretty sure it was the women he was cheating on me with.  Left me February of 2018.  Move to Arkansas ( we are from iowa) with the other women. Married her less than  6 months of moving there. He had already bought her an engagement ring before he had even moved out!  They bought a gift store a year ago. He has almost a million dollars or some less. But money.  
Currently, I am alone. Having a hard time even 2 years from then, moving on.  Scared about money and tired of having nobody to share my life with. Working 7 days a week and still having no money.  With this coronavirus out there now only working 4 hours a week and collecting unemployment, which I haven't received yet.  It's so hard for me to not think about him living such a happy, life with the women he cheated on me with.  And having money he doesn't have to worry about.  How did I get here?   I let my guard down after 7 years being divorced from him, to take him back and get remarried. Then he just put me through so much more.  How does someone like him get to hurt people and be so happy and be financially secure?  I will never understand.  I know people say, don't worry, he'll do that to her too.  That's what he's used to but in my head I feel that he won't. Even a counselor I had said he is a narcissist and he will cheat on her too.  But I feel, am I the only one that knows he won't?  
I am so lonely for someone to love me and for me to love them. I have learned a lot about relationships and where I went wrong.  I just hope and pray that God one day will bring a good, loving, Christian man who loves to travel and family and financially secure.  I know that I am a good women.  I am faithful, loving, kid at heart etc. but why is it so hard for me to have a healthy relationship with someone?  Why do they always hurt and abuse me?  
the weather here is starting to get nice out.  It makes it even harder because I want someone to share all this with.  
I love having my grandkids, but they also have their lives too. 
guess I've said enough to catch up. I pray everyday that God will one day answer my prayers.