Lonely 04/16/14

 
Okay Time for an update on things I guess.
 
I am feeling very frustrated, angry, and lonely right now.
Hubby has taken a new job driving a truck OTR. He took it in hopes of making more money
as his last job was not paying the bills,etc. He used to be gone 2-3 nights a week and is now
gone 4-5 nights a week. In some ways, not a big change and yet it is in others.
 
I hate to say this but in some ways I do not miss having him around. How sad is that???
I share our king size bed with the 6 yr old now and the 1 yr old sleeps in her bed in my room
also. The majority of my time is spent with the two girls and very little outside adult time. If I
get any it is for the brief time I am at work or over Facebook.
 
I feel trapped in a lot of ways. I love the girls dearly but do wish that their parents could have
taken care of them and raised them. Maybe if I felt a whole lot better it wouldn't be so bad
either. Lately, my back is really bothering me and it makes it hard for me to walk and to
move.  Because I feel so bad and hurt, I don't have the energy to go and do a lot of
things.....including shopping,etc. Easter is this weekend and I haven't bought anything for the
girls yet.  The baby is trying to walk but isn't fully walking yet so I have to carry her
everywhere. That is very hard on my poor back needless to say. So as a result, I don't go
and do anything more then I absolutely have to do!  Having said that....you have to realize
that I am running the 6 yr old to dance lessons, soccer practice, girl scouts, soccer games,etc.
It seems like it is always about 7 pm or later before we are home for the night.
 
I do not have a lot of close friends but the one I do has a lot of health issues as well. We do
talk about daily over FB, texts,etc. but it is not the same. The new sitter for the baby is nice 
and helpful but almost overwhelming at times. She will bring the baby over and drop it off but
then stay forever or so it seems. 
 
So I am wanting something but not certain what it is.  I am not interested in another person
or anything sexual. I guess I just want to feel needed, to be listened to, to have some actual
adult conversation, to have some "me" time outside of the house.   
 
I feel like I am a single parent raising the kids on my own again. I was a widow for 5 years 
with my two young children before I remarried.  I feel like I am starting all over again at an
older age. The thing is I know my husband is going to be in and out of our lives. If it is hard
one me...how hard is it on the little girls? The 6 yr old knows that "papa" is gone for a few
nights and seems to be dealing okay so far with the change. The baby knows he isn't around
but not as aware of the time frame. I feel like I am a widow again in a lot of ways but yet I 
am not. I am a single parent, but yet I am married.  *SIGH*