Loneliness, Sadness, Frustration

Carlos:  It is going to be 7 months since you have been gone.  Seven months of pain that I cannot explain, 7 months of crying, 7 months of begging God to give you back to me, 7 months of loneliness, 7 months of sleeping in an empty bed, 7 months of longing for your hugs and kisses, 7 months of pure hell.  I miss you so much and it hurts beyond words.  I don't know how to keep moving.  There are times that I think that I am going crazy and wish that you would at least come in my dreams and tell me that everything is going to be okey and that you are safe and waiting for me.  Rosela and Said are okey and I know that they miss you terribly.  The other day Said said he wished he had more time with you and was sorry for the times that he was rude with you.  I told him that you always forgave him and loved him very much.  He said "Mom I miss my dad so much and wish he could be here to know that and if I would have known he was going to pass away so soon, I would have never been rude or say the things that I said.  I miss my dad and I am so mad because I feel cheated."  He does not believe in God at this moment.  He thinks that if there was a God then he should have listen to our prayers when we were begging him to please make you get better.  I do understand him because I also felt that God abandoned us when we mostly need him.  Rosela, cries so much  but she tries to be strong for me.  She finds solace by going to the gym and working out.  She is also having a hard time with her faith.  She told me the other day that she has not prayed for a while because she thinks that God failed her. She misses you so much and said she wished that she had spent more time with you.  She has moved back in with me to help me cope with this pain.   Said moved to Everett, Washington.  I honestly think that he wanted to get away from all of this pain.  He thinks that by being away the pain will be less but I know that he will carry it wherever he goes.  I think this move will help him mature and make him a better person. Carlos, our family is not the same without you and it hurts so much not having you here with us.   I have been think so much of you and the memories of you being in coma are haunting me so much and it hurts.  I wish that you would have awaken and see how much we loved you.  I stayed by your side all the time hoping and praying that you would wake up.  I know that you are watching over us but that is not enough because I want you to be here with me.  I want to feel you and talk to you like before and listen to you singing.  How much longer Carlos before I see you again.  My sister called me from Belize and told me about Daniel that passed away.  It was shock since his wife passed away about 1 or 2 years ago in freak accident.  I think he had a drinking problem and when his wife passed away I think he started drink heavy.  I told my sister I understand his pain and maybe that was a way for him to end this agony.  He died of liver problem due to drinking.  This pain can make people go to the deep end and I understand them.   I have had times that I felt like just taking my car and running off the cliff or driving it into a tree but then I think of Said and Rosela and it is not fair to them.  They are in pain from losing their dad and now their mom it is not right.  I ask God to give me the strengh to continue.  Carlos, ask God to help me please because I am going crazy.  I have to pretend that everything is okey and smile to the world when all I have is sadness, loneliness, frustration and anger inside me.  I am angry because I could not safe you, sad because you are not here, frustrated because I cannot do anything to bring you back and loneliness because you are not here.  Why Carlos did you have to leave me?  Why did God make this happen?  Were you tired of me?  Was I not a good wife?   Could you not beg God to spare you?  Sorry but I miss you and I think that sometimes I am going crazy.   I look at your photos and ask myself where could he be and how do I find him.  Please come in my dreams at least that may help me.   I look all over the house for you but cannot find you.  Where are you?   I go to the gravesite and I still don't find you.  Please help me.   I am not the same person that you knew, strong, loving, fighter, kind, smart.  I feel completely lost without you.  Carlos, I love you so much and life is not the same without you.  Help me make sense of this life.  Work has slowed down a lot and I am scared as to how I am going to manage paying the bills.  Thank you for providing for me all those years, loving me and caring for this crazy woman.  How I miss all those silly laughs that we had, the good times and bad times.   I miss everything about you.  I remember when we were in the kitchen cooking and you would say that there is only space for one of us because my big butt took most of the space.  The other day Rosela said the same thing to me and I laugh and then I started crying because I remember you.  I remember us sitting on the sofa fight over the blanket, oh Carlos how I wish those days can come back.  I remember you telling me to hurry because as usual I took long getting ready.  I long to hear your voice calling my name.  Carlos why does this hurt so much?  Honey, please help me?  I love you and miss you.   Your wife that cannot accept you are not here anymore.  Linda