Loneliness Hurts

Wednesday, July 16, 2008 – 10:45 A.M.   I have lived in Colorado for nearly eleven unforgettable years. My primary reason for coming here was to get away from people who had contributed to my initiation into the world of crack cocaine. At the time, I was living peacefully in my own home near the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains in Virginia.   For much of the last few months I lived there, I was in such a drug-induced state that I did not know, or care, about what was going on around me. My mind was so foggy that all I ever thought about was crack cocaine, how to get more of it, and taking pleasure in being among several girls who were usually near me. They were there either to help me with the things I could not do for myself, to be there when I used drugs in the hope that I would share some with them, or a combination of the two.   I left when I began feeling that I was in danger of losing my life either by overdosing on drugs, or by some of the drug addicts I was associating with, who were, unknown to me, stripping my house of its belongings and selling them. I finally realized what was going on when I was visited by someone from the Adult Protective Services, along with a sheriff’s deputy.   Because of the mess I had gotten myself into, I left that state at the urging of several family members who lived here. I did not like the idea, but could not see any alternative.   During the years I have lived here, I have not had a close relationship with my family as they had led me to believe would be the case. I might see my sister once, or sometimes twice, a month. She invites me to most of her children’s, and grandchildren’s birthday parties, as well as for holidays.   I rarely see my brother or anyone in his family. This hurts a lot. I do not think I deserve to be cast aside like a piece of garbage. I am not perfect in many ways, but neither is my brother.   The loneliness that I live with has begun to bother me a lot. The only friends I have had here have been drug users, and I have managed to get them out of my life, so that I will be away from their bad influences. Now I have no one other than my online friends.   I need to make a big change in my life, or else I will start relapsing and using drugs again. I have started considering the possibility of leaving here and moving to another state. That might be just what I need to jump-start my life again. Of course, that will also start one heck of an argument with my family.   The bottom line is that it is my life, and I should be able to live it the way I want. My family will not see it that way, but I feel strongly that since it is my life, I should have some right in deciding how, and where, I want to live it.