Loneliness because of the choices I made ...
The funny thing was that these few days .. I was not by myself .. I was hanging out with some friends ... I was not alone ... but deep down I was still feeling so lonely ... is there a void that only a special someone can fill?
I met one of my long lost friend (not really met but he found me on FB)... not met him in 20 years ... there was a thing going on with both of us but because of my religious belief ... I decided to end the relationship.... I was 17 years old that time ... still struggling with who I am ... my sexual preferences and a burning desire to serve God with my whole heart and body. God was all I needed .... and nothing will stand in the way. I had dreams of serving God in the missions fields ... touching lives for Him because He came and swept me off my feet ... He alone could satisfy me and fill me ... that was in 1988.... My old friends had finally settled down with his boy friend of 20 years and he is finally at peace with himself.
A lot of changed over the years ... my dreams were crushed ... boyish visions and imaginations replaced with the hard fact of life.. and I came crashing down..... and I think I never fully recovered. Now when I think about this old friend ... I keep thinking of "what if" I had allowed the relationship to continue ... maybe I will not be so lonely now? Maybe I will finally have a companion for life? But I was too late now .... the choices I had made and fought fiercely to maintain what the word of God teaches me ... had left me alone ... struggling inside to be at peace with who I am and having to walk around with a mask among the believers. This had left me very lonely .. and I keep thinking that something is wrong with me ... Recently a girl ( we have known each other a couple of years .. I had feelings for her) told me that she liked me ... and I wanted to be honest with her as I don't want to feel that I am cheating on her .. so I told her that I do have feelings for guys .... and I also have feelings for her ... and I am willing to give it a try if she is willing to work it out with me .. knowing my weakness ... and sexual preferences ... I thought finally I found someone who can work it out with me .. finally I can be accepted for who I am ... I was wrong ... I never heard from her after I poured my heart out and came out to her.
So maybe the choices I made really messed me up .. so here I am ... lonely .... afraid to open up ... and slowly losing the battle to stand ....
I met one of my long lost friend (not really met but he found me on FB)... not met him in 20 years ... there was a thing going on with both of us but because of my religious belief ... I decided to end the relationship.... I was 17 years old that time ... still struggling with who I am ... my sexual preferences and a burning desire to serve God with my whole heart and body. God was all I needed .... and nothing will stand in the way. I had dreams of serving God in the missions fields ... touching lives for Him because He came and swept me off my feet ... He alone could satisfy me and fill me ... that was in 1988.... My old friends had finally settled down with his boy friend of 20 years and he is finally at peace with himself.
A lot of changed over the years ... my dreams were crushed ... boyish visions and imaginations replaced with the hard fact of life.. and I came crashing down..... and I think I never fully recovered. Now when I think about this old friend ... I keep thinking of "what if" I had allowed the relationship to continue ... maybe I will not be so lonely now? Maybe I will finally have a companion for life? But I was too late now .... the choices I had made and fought fiercely to maintain what the word of God teaches me ... had left me alone ... struggling inside to be at peace with who I am and having to walk around with a mask among the believers. This had left me very lonely .. and I keep thinking that something is wrong with me ... Recently a girl ( we have known each other a couple of years .. I had feelings for her) told me that she liked me ... and I wanted to be honest with her as I don't want to feel that I am cheating on her .. so I told her that I do have feelings for guys .... and I also have feelings for her ... and I am willing to give it a try if she is willing to work it out with me .. knowing my weakness ... and sexual preferences ... I thought finally I found someone who can work it out with me .. finally I can be accepted for who I am ... I was wrong ... I never heard from her after I poured my heart out and came out to her.
So maybe the choices I made really messed me up .. so here I am ... lonely .... afraid to open up ... and slowly losing the battle to stand ....
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