Lonely
I don't know if I have ever in my life felt lonelier than I do right this moment. I haven't been able to sleep all night, I kinda got hit with some information last night that I did not expect about something I thought was stable and a possibility in my future at some point. I realized how much I have lost in my life. I can't get any of it back, my wife, my kids, my house, the life I hed led. So much lost, so much time wasted, so much of so many peoples time wasted who are or were so important in my life. And with some unable to ever get it back...he's not here anymore... How do you find your life, yourself? How do you recover and develop a new life without being bitter and hurt and so intensely full of pain you just want it to end, to stop. So many good memories, so much life wasted, and we did make thousands of memories, some good and some bad, but that is what I thought life and marriage and relationships were, some good, some bad...but you work it out and keep moving...I guess she didn't get that memo. I am so depressed right now, I know I have a lot to offer someone. I know I am intelligent, I am sort of witty, I have so many skills, there is very little I can't do or learn to do if I put my mind to it. I do try to be laid back adn relaxed, I know I don't always succeed at that, I know it's partially by bp, BUT ONLY PARTIALLY. I can't blame it for everything. I just want to feel somewhat normal again. To have a special someone to share my life with, to explore this world, the ups and downs, to experience the thunderstorms, to run in the rain, to curl up on a cold winter night, to cook steaks on the grill, to swim with the dolphins with, to travel and experience this world.....God meant me to be with someone, I just don't know how to get back there...I feel as though I have lost my way and I just don't kow how to get back... Where is the path? I have lost the trail and the birds have eaten the breadcrumbs...I look back and all I see is so many memories that I wish I could erase...WHY DID SHE WASTE MY LIFE AND TIME LIKE THAT!!! And the time, so very precious, limited time of my dad...such an amazing man...how do you start over? where do you begin? what comes first? so many questions and no answers from anyone that make sense...it's like everyone is talking in portuguese....no clue how....it just doesn't make sense...my ex told me I have a problem having faith....maybe I do....I don't want to...but maybe I do...maybe she was right about me, maybe I am critical, harsh, opinionated, selfish, arrogant...I will never forget what she told me once........ "I have never met anyone in my life who is so selfish, so self-centered and yet has such a big heart inside of him, such a desire to give and help"......this hurts me so much.....I just don't know what to do right now...I had shut off the TV finally at 4:15am and I turned my IPOD on and listened to some "relaxing" songs....all of the sudden I just had to write, I had to vent, to talk to anyone who would listen...I don't know if anyone is out there, if anyone will ever read this...but I couldn't just lay there...I felt lead to write this all out, to write...I had to...it was as if a force was driving me to write....I couldn't stop.... What next....where do I start? How? and WHY????? What do I hope to achieve again?? Take a chance and get detroyed a third time??? I feel as though I have lost everything....I know I haven't.....in my heart of hearts I know I haven't....but it feels like I have and it's all I can see right now...all I feel....all my mind lets me see, feel., touch....I have been unable to vent, to feel to really let loose and just cry it all out just explode and get it all out...I just can't...I don't have anyone to do that with...and I need someone to just hold me and let me let it all out and tell me that they will be there.....I need a friend...I have so very very few right now and just don't know where to go to find people who have my own interests.... HELP!!!! Is there life out there????
Replies
Kevin, I know exactly where you are right now and I am so sorry for your pain. I can\'t tell you what to do or how to fix it - I think that we are all on our own paths. What I can tell you is what helped me back to the person that I was. It was letting go of my focus on him and refocusing on me - on who I am, on what makes ME happy, on rediscovering the person I lost. It was in understanding and making peace with the fact that the time I was with him was NOT a waste. Being with him, all of the good and bad, helped make me the person I am today. You recognize that you have so much to offer - you would not be the person you are today had you not been married to her. I found peace in accepting that all is as it should be. I have faith that there is a reason this happened and that there is a better, happier life on this side of my divorce. Do I still get lonely? Yes. But I know that I can\'t be in another relationship, in a healthy and wonderful relationship, until I am able to be ok on my own. A true relationship asks nothing of the other person because we are complete on our own. I need to be able to fulfill the emotional needs I have on my own. I do not need to look to someone else to tell me what is good or not good about me - and neither do you. Her opinion only has the weight it does because you allow it to. If you decide she was right, then you have the power to change. You CAN decide what to believe and what to let go of. You CAN be ok on your own. You will figure out what makes you happy and how to be content on your own. Once you do that, I am sure you will find exactly the person you are looking for. Until then, keep leaning on your friends!
You have recently come to alot of conclusions that have probably lingered with you for a long time, waiting for recognition. I think that might be part of the depression on top of the depression, so to speak. You ovbiously aren\'t concerned with what lies ahead, but more concerned with HOW to get to what lies ahead. As depresssing of a state it is, its still a slow form of moving forwards. Whether or not you see it yet, striving to understand the HOW of getting to what lies ahead is actually a step towards it. Try not to focus on people right now, I dont think finding others like you is going to help you. Sometimes, we just need to be us, and accomplish little, even nothing, on our own... testing the waters of our strength. I offer you my support, and wish the best for you... it will be a journey... i just hope you see it for the trial it is, and fight with it until you win. You know you can...
I\'m sorry that I have not kept in touch better. I did not know that you were going through all this crap. I know exactly what you mean with almost everything that I just read. I\'ve been there...and it does feel like your \"life\" is going on without you. It is extremely painful to feel so lonely, I know. I read this just a few days ago and it spoke volumes to me:
*When an emotional injury takes place, the body begins a process as natural as the healing of a physical wound.
Let the process happen.
Trust the process.
Surrender to it.
LOTS of love & prayers,
k.k.
3/13 the judge gives us a date for the divorce, 3/20 my boss tells me I\'m laid off THE SAME DAY AS THE DIVORCE. I\'ll have to leave NY, can\'t afford to stay. With MS I have no choices... I have to take the penalities, retire, and never work again; or I lose my medical coverage.
As long as there\'s Breath, there\'s Hope. You life is now your own to do whatever you will.
For me it\'s like going back 25 years and just \'moving out from my parents\'. I think I\'m going to go live in the town my sister and dad are in, so it\'ll really be just like that! Maybe I\'ll meet some interesting people on the beaches.
Think of what YOU want to do and go for it?
I hate that you are going through this - you are such a great guy and you don\'t deserve any of this. I am here (when I can be) if you need me!
So sorry for all the pain your going though. Sometimes all we can do is \"breathe\". Yea, it sound like crap, but my daughter said it to me hundres of times when I was going through the \"dark times\".
It will get better. Remember; what doesn\'t kill us makes us stronger.