I don't know if I have ever in my life felt lonelier than I do right this moment. I haven't been able to sleep all night, I kinda got hit with some information last night that I did not expect about something I thought was stable and a possibility in my future at some point. I realized how much I have lost in my life. I can't get any of it back, my wife, my kids, my house, the life I hed led. So much lost, so much time wasted, so much of so many peoples time wasted who are or were so important in my life. And with some unable to ever get it back...he's not here anymore... How do you find your life, yourself? How do you recover and develop a new life without being bitter and hurt and so intensely full of pain you just want it to end, to stop. So many good memories, so much life wasted, and we did make thousands of memories, some good and some bad, but that is what I thought life and marriage and relationships were, some good, some bad...but you work it out and keep moving...I guess she didn't get that memo. I am so depressed right now, I know I have a lot to offer someone. I know I am intelligent, I am sort of witty, I have so many skills, there is very little I can't do or learn to do if I put my mind to it. I do try to be laid back adn relaxed, I know I don't always succeed at that, I know it's partially by bp, BUT ONLY PARTIALLY. I can't blame it for everything. I just want to feel somewhat normal again. To have a special someone to share my life with, to explore this world, the ups and downs, to experience the thunderstorms, to run in the rain, to curl up on a cold winter night, to cook steaks on the grill, to swim with the dolphins with, to travel and experience this world.....God meant me to be with someone, I just don't know how to get back there...I feel as though I have lost my way and I just don't kow how to get back... Where is the path? I have lost the trail and the birds have eaten the breadcrumbs...I look back and all I see is so many memories that I wish I could erase...WHY DID SHE WASTE MY LIFE AND TIME LIKE THAT!!! And the time, so very precious, limited time of my dad...such an amazing man...how do you start over? where do you begin? what comes first? so many questions and no answers from anyone that make sense...it's like everyone is talking in portuguese....no clue how....it just doesn't make sense...my ex told me I have a problem having faith....maybe I do....I don't want to...but maybe I do...maybe she was right about me, maybe I am critical, harsh, opinionated, selfish, arrogant...I will never forget what she told me once........ "I have never met anyone in my life who is so selfish, so self-centered and yet has such a big heart inside of him, such a desire to give and help"......this hurts me so much.....I just don't know what to do right now...I had shut off the TV finally at 4:15am and I turned my IPOD on and listened to some "relaxing" songs....all of the sudden I just had to write, I had to vent, to talk to anyone who would listen...I don't know if anyone is out there, if anyone will ever read this...but I couldn't just lay there...I felt lead to write this all out, to write...I had to...it was as if a force was driving me to write....I couldn't stop.... What next....where do I start? How? and WHY????? What do I hope to achieve again?? Take a chance and get detroyed a third time??? I feel as though I have lost everything....I know I haven't.....in my heart of hearts I know I haven't....but it feels like I have and it's all I can see right now...all I feel....all my mind lets me see, feel., touch....I have been unable to vent, to feel to really let loose and just cry it all out just explode and get it all out...I just can't...I don't have anyone to do that with...and I need someone to just hold me and let me let it all out and tell me that they will be there.....I need a friend...I have so very very few right now and just don't know where to go to find people who have my own interests.... HELP!!!! Is there life out there????