Log of abuse

May 19th 2018

This is my first entry after years of abuse. I will be taking notes on all instances of abuse from here on out after he beat me while holding my 1 year old and my 4 year old cried.  This has been an ongoing thing and I will go into the past a little before I go into details about tonight. 

I think the first time he hit me I was pregnant with Violet My oldest.  I don't remember why he was mad at me but I remember screaming "I'm pregnant" as he hit me with his belt at our friends house we were watching while they were on vacation.

Later when we moved to Ohio I remember crying in the NICU because of breastfeeding issues and he choked me behind the curtain in our daughters room because he was "sick of hearing me bitch"

Not long after he gave me my first black eye when he hit me with a beer bottle because I was mad that he was going out with his friends and leaving me home alone again.

Not long after that we were spending time at my moms house while she was at work because we wanted to watch movies on her TV.  He got mad at me and beat me with his belt again.  I took pictures but he made me delete them.

I don't even remember why he gave me a black eye the second time but for a while after that he promised he would stop hurting me and he did for a little while.

He has never stopped verbally abusing me, stupid bitch, cow, cunt etc.  He calls me dumb and worthless and tells me that he will kill me on a regular basis.  He tells me that he will take my kids away from me and disappear into the bayou and I will never see them again.  He says he has a lot of biker friends that his dad used to hang out with that owe him favors and he will have them kill me.

I have been staying out of total fear and he has been escalating the physical abuse again.  It started when he would get mad at me and grab my throat and sweep my feet out from under me and slam me to the ground.  More than once he has done this while I was holding the baby.

He says I deserve it, that if I didn't piss him off so much then he wouldn't hurt me.

Tonight the baby was being fussy and I was getting frustrated.  He was sleeping on the couch after I asked him to go to the bedroom because he kept yelling at the kids for playing but he was sleeping in the room they play in.  So things were already tense when the baby got fussy.  He tore the baby from my arms and held him but Indigo was scared by the force he grabbed him so I tried to get the baby back and he slapped my hand.  I stood up and said you "can't treat children this way" when he practically threw the baby back at me got up and flipped the couch.  He stormed off and I screamed what the hell is wrong with you and that made him turn around and attack.  He hit my face and busted my lip, although not bad, I was bleeding from the mouth.  He pushed me against the wall and started slamming my head into the wall.  I was holding the baby the whole time and our daughter was screaming for him to stop.  He let me go and went into the other room and came back with a blow torch, I shielded the baby as he threatened me with the lit torch. 

He is always smashing my head against the wall, I think it is because he knows it won't leave any visible marks.

He has held loaded guns to my head, he has threatened to shoot me in the head on multiple occasions.  We were asked not to renew our lease at our last apartment because a neighbor heard him threatening me with a gun and called the landlord.  He is always punching holes in the walls and has told me he will kill my cats.

I am terrified and want to leave.  I am afraid to lose my kids, I am afraid he is going to kill me.  He has said he will kill me if I ever try to leave and he will take the kids to the swamps and they will never know I existed.  I cannot describe the fear but I need to start taking steps to protect my kids, I don't want my daughter to grow up and end up with an abuser and I don't want my son to become an abusive spouse.  He already tells our daughter to "shut the fuck up" all the time and calls her a bitch.  I cannot let this go on any longer.

I will log all verbal and physical abuse from here on out in the hopes that this will help when we can finally leave.