living with the disease

im very proud of my obstaining, and in some ways feel i can gamble again normally, just some ways.  between us, i got a desire to just watch the videos on utube on gambling (it sucks cause the compulsive gambling videos are closely tied to the winning videos) so got suckered in and watched, happy people winning, maybe, happy, maybe extremely hooked "i mean who really video tapes the winnings" anyway they are 100 out a billion people who win, but it shows the possibilities, nonetheless, boy i wanted to play, i wanted to see a WILD DEUCE, i loved video poker, and slots towards the end.....but VPoker gave me the most back, anyway, i had an itch to scratch, and then "played for fun" on FB, i just wanted to see them cards, the four of a kinds, the set up for the RSflush, i played, exhausted the money, and then my brain started to rationalize, tomm being valentines day and all, i'll be alone like i have been for the last 4 years, by choice, but boy i deserve it, i got my life back on track and now have money "to play with" what harm will it do, i even went as far as asking someone if they had plans for tomm night, maybe "lobster at mohegan" would be fun, well they couldnt, and i know ive driven to the casino on my own, i dont need anyone, if i was really going to go, i'd be there now, its 8:00 on friday, and i have no plans, today, nor tomm or sunday, sad, but true, in the course of the last 4 years i've managed to keep the weekends off the minds of others to include me, i have to create a world for myself again, thank god i didnt harm any relationship, just neglected them and prob missed out on alot of new experiences.
 
i thought i was in the clear, but it was a powerful one, and its over, and i can only hope its subsides, or i get stronger, all i know is i dont have a fucking clue about this monster, but i do know i have control if i want it.