Living To Eat...

On the way home from work I stoped at KFC and got a twister combo and a 6 pack of nuggets and ate every scrap even when I began to feel full. Then I had some chocolate and this was a good day eating wise. Over all I hadn't eaten much by my standards through the day because I had been at work and don’t have a lot of time to eat and I won't binge too crazy in front of people (family excluded). Yesterday I stopped at Macca's on the way home and got a large cheeseburger meal and a 6 pack of nuggets, a little while later I had a bowl of pasta bake. Again this was a good day in amount of food consumed over all, as I was at work. But I when I ate that pasta bake I wasn't hungry, I wasn't hungry when I kept thinking about it. I wasn’t hungry when I got up and stared at it in the fridge or when I checked the cupboard to see what else was there. Or when I got it out of the fridge and heated it up. But I was anxious and cranky because I had to wok the next day and it wasn't one of my usual shifts. It was meant to be my day of but I’m trying to save money for a holiday.
I want to go on this holiday sooo bad. I want to have extra money I can spend and not be worrying abut trying to stretch every cent to have a life. But I don’t want to have to work full time. I like my part time hours. But I have been so sad this week working 5 days instead of 2.
I eat when I'm sad, bored, tired, stressed, happy, alone. I eat for any reason. Just because I can. Because the food is there and because its delicious. I’ve eaten food I don’t even like that much just because it was greasy and fatty and looked so good. I eat food I know makes me sick (lactose intolerant) just because it taste good. It seems to have gotten worse. I don't know wether it's because food is one thing I can say Well its my choice no body will tell me what to do when it comes to food.
Food won't hurt me. Or say mean things to me. Food doesn't make me worry my self sick over it. Food is there when I need it.
There is so much in my head that is bursting to get out and I don't even know how to put it into words. So this entry may not make sense at all... I want to be able to eat and enjoy food. But not act like a crazy person eating as if ill never see food again. I want the empty hole inside me to be filled in another way and I want to know why the damn aching hole is there anyway. I want to have the will to eat healthy and to exercise again. I want to have the energy to care about my appearance. I want to put some time and effort into my life. I don’t want to sit around feeling so depressed I cant move, the only time I do is to get something to eat. I don’t want my life to revolve around food. I want to have a healthy relationship with it like I see others have.
It amazes me how some people can eat a little of something or eat slowly and stop when they feel full and still feel satisfied. I want that too. Because right now I don’t feel satisfied until every lat bit is gone and I’m so beyond full I feel sick. But at the same time I’m scared to want that because while I’m eating, while I’m putting the delicious food in my mouth I feel pleasure and joy and if I stop my binge eating I’m afraid I’ll lose that...

Replies

brainoverload
brainoverload

Hi ImpalaBlack I\'m Sue. I enjoyed reading todays journal you wrote. you said a lot of things in it that gave me things to think about. I feel I have and eating problem too, But I have not been labeled yet. I will not eat for 3-4 days, then I will eat what ever I can for a day, maybe two. Then back to starving. This has caused me to get diabetes. I have diabetes to the point of insulin 2 times a day and nerve damage.
We seem to want the same things in life. The main one is not being depressed any more, and to be able to live life without our self inflicted burdens. I seem to not be able to change my eating habit any more then you can change yours.
Thank you for adding me as friend and letting me read your journal. hugs for you.
ImpalaBlack
ImpalaBlack

Thankyou for reading my journal and taking the time to comment. It helps to know I\'m not alone. I hope we can work through this together =D