Little things

This past Saturday was one month to the date that Dina passed away.  It also would have been her 34th birthday.  Followed by what would have been her fourth Mother's Day on Sunday.  Much to my surprise neither day was as difficult as I had expected.  A large group of us celebrated her birthday at her favorite restaurant then came back to my house for memories, cake and drinks.  It made a sad day as enjoyable as possible under the circumstances.  On Sunday I brought our 3 year old to the cemetery for the first time.  I think it lead to more questions than answers for her but it is something I felt was important to do and get out of the way.  I think I had these 'big' things built up in my mind because they weren't as difficult as I anticipated.  It's the little things that are kicking my ass!  No phone calls, no text messages, no seeing her smile, no watching TV together or sitting on our deck together.  We won't take day trips together this summer or go apple picking together in the fall.  The holidays and special occasions  are obviously going to suck the first few times around but the little day-to-day things appear as though they're going to hurt more.  Our lives were completely intertwined for almost 16 of the 34 years we were alive.  Even the 4 months leading up to her death while she was in the hospital there were maybe 5 days that I was not there with her (she went into the hospital on 12/9/12 and never saw our home again).  After the first few years together we were one, we came as a package deal.  Now she's gone and it's going to be very difficult unwinding that.  It's safe to say that nothing will ever be the same.  Right now it feels like there is a lot that will never be fun again.  And this is made even more difficult by having my 3 year old.  She pushes me forward and keeps me smiling every day but it breaks my heart whenever I think of all the things, both big and small, that she is going to miss out on now.  And when I think about what my wife will miss as well.  Just last night I was playing with my daugther and got her laughing hard.  I was smiling with her but all I could think was that my wife will never hear that joyous laugh of hers again.  She'll never give her a bath again, change her diaper again (which, in fairness I hope I won't be doing much longer either!), dry her hair again...the list is endless.  And it feels so overwhelmingly unfair that I don't know what to do.  After she came through the worst of it back in December the expection was a full recovery and that she would be home once again.  If she hadn't passed away she would either be home from rehab already or getting very close to it.  There still would have been a long way to go even when she got home but at least she would be here, filling the house with the love that only a wife and mother can.  And now she won't be, which hurts more than anything I could ever imagine.