Little more history
When i was younger i wasnt told muchabout my mom. I was told that she called my father to come pick me up when i was 3 months old because she didnt want me anymore. No she already had to kids before me. Well my dad said when he went to pick me up that the house stunk and was very nasty, the baby crib i was in had food in it and rat dropping and bugs all in it as well. I canonly really 2 times she came to see me since then. Once was one of my birth days i dont know how old i was but was told she brought my dad 5 or 10 dollars to go buy me a happy meal. The other time was when i was 16 she wanted me to spend the night with her, her husband and my youger sister which at that time ive only met once before. She also took me dollywood but wouldnt spend any money on me nore offered to get me anything. I had to spend what little birthday money i had. Well my second oldest brother wasnt there but had called to talk to me and he told me i could have the shoes in his room and for me to pick out 3 outfit to have. Well my mom saw that i had them bagged up and acused me of stealing. Even after my brother told her hee gave them to me, she still said i stole them. The next morning i was ready to leave. Well on and off even how bad shes done me i tried putting my self in her life but she kept shutting me out. Now my dad on the other hand bought ne things i needed but never really spent to much time with me once i became a teen. He spent me time doing things with a friend of mine than doing things with me. Never told me i was doing a good job or that he was proud of me. Never shown the love that i was needed. So growing up with really no one to show support affected my life and on top of what ever happened to me when i was way younger that causes my brain to block it out didnt help matters either. Started hanging with the bad crowd, getting involved in drugs and things. Well all those past events i still live with and also still wonder what i did wrong to not have my mom want me has brought me lots of pain. They are times i can remember things and at times my memory is blank. Short term and long term memory lose. Lost of mental health issues.
Anyway growing up in that situtation can make someone feel some type of way at times.I had everything that i needed like clothes, food toys game systems but none of that was what i really needed. I was bullied all through out school until i got over getting in trouble cause i wouldnt as ways fight back when i was picked so i started karate and also golden glove boxing and stayed with it for years. But i enjoied fighting to much once i started defending myself. I loved the feeling of having people afraid of me and the people that wanted me to fight for money after they saw i could fight.
Now days i only fight when i have to only if i feel my life is being threatened. Theyve been times i couldnt control my self. And then the regret and haunting thoughts of hurting some one ate and ate and ate until i couldnt live with it anymore. Things change and so do people no matter what we do we are able to change. Ive been in the change process for 6 plus years. It a long road. A very hard road. The people in the world today makes it hard for us to change and thats why some takes lom=nger than others to change.
I just wish i knew what it feels like to have the love and care that a mother shows for her child but thats something ill never know. I finally stop trying to talk to her just last year. i happened to move into the same apartments as her her just in a different building and she endedup moving in with my brother. She has a total of four kids and only shows love for 2 of then.
Its kinda the same feeling we look for in relationships in a way. Ive never gotten to feel that either. Since ive turned from my old ways and got clean ive lost all my friend well chose to remove them from my life due to certain reasons, Its like its hard to find anyone for me . also hard to make new friends in the real world due to trust issues and things. My past has really screwed up my life and every day living. I did leave out a big chunk of history on me because alot of it is in ealrlier post.
If anyone has advice or goingthrough the same thing please let me know cause ive overcome alot of things but this is something i cant just push out my head it keeps returning
Replies
Hi Scot,
If your Mom was a strong person she would have let you know- it was never You.The pain she caused you was not because of you.It
is about her emotional state that she was locked into, My brother has 4 kids and because things did not work out between him and
their Mom he basically did not have a relationship with the kids.
See the kids have a tendency to get caught up in the middle of the mental emotional drama of the adult,It turns out to be at the kids
expense.Nevertheless the stigma of it haunts you.But as a baby and then a toddler, then an adolescent, then a mature adult, babies
and children are always 100 percent innocent.You are 100 percent innocent ,This is important to remember,
Granted your mom was going through her issues at the time-and that is okay too we are all human-but where she chose to make
a critical mistake was realizing that there WAS an abandonment issue with you and instead of being upfront with you, seeking counseling ,she self avoided and then the guilt of of it turned to shame and whenever she faces you it means facing the truth about herself-thus continuing a vicious cycle.
You have to continue to release those feelings-just like you have been doing.Your doing excellent. I am proud to have befriended you
because you are strong,Your mom wasnt strong Enough . You have to Accept that she will always be your Mom and you will have
these sentimental feelings,You have to be honest-let us be honest in this moment.
Is your mom ready to acknowledge these past hurts ,give explanations,,offer to hop on a road of self discovery and self healing,
Not at the moment and maybe not in this lifetime.Here is what you will need to do- rise above this. You envision yourself
in what should have been (having an emotional connection with your mother).Where you want to be is Accepting that she Is who she is
with her faults- and understanding that when she was making her choices-it was not from the healthiest place you can be mentally.
Love her in that compassionate way.I think that you are strong. Only the strong make it -make it through these things, only the strong,
Compassion-is so difficult to dole out when you are in a hurt state. You are in a hurt state- when you mentally confront these issues and
she was in a hurt state in her Inner being-her inner child,It is important that you release these feelings in a very honest way,This is good.
This is excellent, Listen very closely,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,. take a moment to breathe deeply in and then exhale out.
It is rightly so for you to acknowledge all that was done in the past,the trauma,the shock,the pain,the shame,the blame,the faces of
the people associated with these circumstances.It is 100 percent Normal to feel sentimental towards your mom,etc,Why is it okay?
Because as humans we are an extension of the Universe,and the Universe created us with the most powerful Energy- Love.
You feel all these feelings because we were designed to feel compassionate,that is who we are in our purest form-love.
We are not however allowed to harbor what these feeling turn into( guilt,shame, threat to self value, self esteem issues,self avoidance
issues,self victimization issues,self abandonment issues--- when we do not RELEASE them. You have to release your mom and
accept that the Universe can handle it from there.You have done your part, You are worthy, You always were- do you get that?
What happened caused your mental to spiral creating lost perceptions and creating negative peptides in your brain.
Any experience that we have - which we have attached a negative belief system to - will trigger releases of chemicals from our hypothalamus called peptides (the chemical manufacturing centre of our brain). This chemical will be experienced as a painful emotion within our bodies. The more negative experiences we perceive the more our neurons will attach themselves to each other and form more negative wiring. The more wiring - the more secretion of negative hormones, and the more we feel negative. Our consciousness emits negative signals which then draws negative experiences and the Law of Attraction (like attracts like) keeps replaying the negativity in our lives.
When this happens you start feeling despondent and depressed and you start thinking about why you are feeling this way and your brain then secretes more 'victim' peptides, which are hungrily absorbed by the cells in your body. Every time these body cells split and multiply they will create new cells with more 'victim' peptide receptors, bringing about more and more carvings for victimization. The more 'negative' peptide receptors a cell has the less 'positive' receptors can exist. The cells become weaker and reproduce other poorer quality cells.
We can see how this vicious cycle creates thoughts stuck in a negative pattern. Everyone is literally emotionally addicted to emotions related to their past. Our past is all that we have as a reference point to dictate our emotions. Therefore unknowingly we are continually reliving and recreating our past. We can all imagine how a child must feel when they have to repeat a school year. Up till now you may not have realised - you might be continually repeating your life!
Any individual may be just as addicted to anger, sadness, power-tripping, insecurities and victimization as a heroine addict is to heroine. Our self-manufactured peptides are every bit as powerful and addictive as synthetic drugs.
As emotionally addictive beings we can learn to train our life habits to become addicted to healthy and positive peptides. The more we do this the more our peptide releases will be related to self love, self acceptance, joy, peace and happiness. Because these new peptides attach to the cells and secrete chemicals into them our cellular structures change. The more these cells become addicted to these new feelings the more they 'call out' for healthy peptides. This supplies pleasant body feelings that trigger thinking that easily reciprocates these feelings. As a result new positive cells of a much greater quality are produced and the process continues.
The addictive vicious cycle can be transformed into an addictive life-enhancing one. The only way this can happen is if we create new belief systems that break away from our painful experiences of the past. Release the past(all of it) back to the Universe,Your moms
choices,what you then took from those choices and redefined yourself to be-Trash it and replace it with thoughts of compassion,
thoughts of your self worth(100% )positive thoughts of your value(100%) etc, Every time you do this (releasing) you self heal,self nurture
and change your chemical balance,and peptides and you will find you are attaining more peace within,more peace within naturally,
This is your natural default,Scot before any traumas occurred,So it is a matter of peeling off /releasing -Letting them go just let it go
trust me, You see your negative cells had made you addicted so to speak to the constant recreating of the events.These negative cells
must be destroyed.They are destroyed by letting go of any negative thoughts concerning your mother and Trusting that the Universe
can take it from there,In turn you become more aligned every time with your Natural default of being at Peace,At One, You will no
longer feel urges,or anxious when a thought creeps up re your past,You deserve to live a life Free from any negativity,You can
start this,and always release 100 times a day in your mental ,release the thought that she owes you a better childhood,release the
thoughts that she abandoned you.Yes you felt pain,This is VALID,It is not valid to harbor this pain until it turns into Imposters that invade your mental and hijack your Healthy thought process and perceptions regarding yourself,
Hope this helps, <3 Hugs ,Positive Light and Abundant Cleansing Nurturing Energy directly sent to You.
The last thing she msged me was when i ask her why she does more for the other 2 kid and not me and my oldest brother which ive never gotten to meet only over internet. She said something are to be un-said and its time to move on and be a man stop worrying about mom and then she blocked me ......all i want is answer because the paperwork just doesnt add up
My mother was there...but she wasn't. I never knew love from either of my parents either. In there own way...I know that they tried. Sometimes knowing that helps, sometimes knowing that hurts. (Their own histories screwed up their own lives.)
Reality is that you can't change any of that for the past. But you can change it for the future. You can care about the people around you and do small things for them.
YES, some people will then take advantage of you. But..you will likely also find a few people that will do things back for you. Stick with those people.
One of the greatest problems I had in growing up without love, was having an idealized vision of what love was supposed to be. That both made me want the people around me to be more perfect than they were, and to want myself to be more perfect than I ever could be.
Your profile page says that you can draw. How about going to the park with a sketchpad and drawing. Draw the kids you see. The trees. The empty swings. If someone admires a picture...offer to give it to them. Attachment begins with a start.
Scotty. the above replies have covered so much. Knew a gal whose mother had 8 children. The next man in her life said that was too many to care for. She kept 4, and gave 4 away. They all lost: half were dealing with why me; half were dealing with, will I be next. You will likely never get an answer from your mother. Sounds like your father saw the situation and loved you enough to take you out of it. Not all parents know how to do healthy parenting as they never saw it. Your father saw his role as provider. You are perceptive and sensitive so have had a price to pay. Just as you have friends here, you will have new healthier friends in real time. Great that you help so many others, but friends are equals. Look to folks who don't need your help for those. We can change the early core beliefs. Hugs.
you my father/dad, to get me out that mess but it wasnt like it should have been. i got things i need except the support a father is supposed to give, He chose to spend me time with my best friend than me, i guess thats what lead to to whole finding a crowd to fit in for attention and acting out in school and turning to drugs, but it was more like growing up with out both parents except one was there but not the way he should have been
Scotty, first 2 children were chosen to stay, then your dad chooses someone else over you. Growing up, our parents have such a huge influence on defining us. Yep, you had to raise yourself, which is a very sad fact of your life. Like I said, some produce children but not a clue on parenting. Only in later years did I discover that the three favored children had acted as they had due to seeing my mother's treatment of me. Sad when I saw that she knew how to parent, but picked me as her target. Yep, got good grades but always a U in conduct. Your healing will continue. Comforting hugs.
Sending you hugs, support & comfort, Scotty.
Hi Scotty. I am so sorry for all of the traumatic things that you have been through. It wasn’t your fault. Your mom deciding to give you up at such a young age had to have damaged you greatly. I think that your choice to remove yourself from her life is probably the best thing for you because it seems like every time she comes around or you see her that she does more harm than good and her loving and showing special attention to your brothers and sisters must feel like a slap in the face.
I too was bullied throughout my school years then abused at home and with the people my parents had watching me. I hated not having any control or say over anything. I turned into a bully too at home with my nieces and nephews who were my age.
My mom loves me. My dad loves me too. My mom resented me and was abusive and my dad was there but he wasn’t emotionally there. We couldn’t just talk. If the tv was on I wasn’t allowed to speak. So I mostly just ran off in the woods and did my own thing. Then when I was in my late 20’s I found out that my dad isn’t my biological father and it just devastated me. The whole thought that my biological father and his whole family knew I was on this earth and never once bothered to contact me really made me second guess myself and wonder why I wasn’t good enough. Why he didn’t want me. Why no one told me the truth. I was so hurt. Eventually I came to the conclusion that they are the ones that aren’t good enough and don’t deserve to know me.
Your dad should have given you the love and support you needed. You are right we often times seek out attention and love from friendships and relationships because that’s what’s missing.
I really admire you for turning your life around and starting over. That’s really amazing. I hope you continue to do well.