Little Boys who grow up and die
Just sayin... I went home for lunch (a block away) and ate in front of the TV. We have only a few video tapes of the kids when they were little. We had no money and it was all pretty new and expensive in the early 80's. I treasure the 3 that I have. I watched the one from the summer of 1986 in Phoenix. Andy and Byron were so adorable. (Larry and I were so young.) It makes me feel good to see that they had such a happy home.
It's a good thing we never knew what was up ahead. Well, I sort of suspected. By the time Andy was about 10 I had this feeling that we would lose him. Have any of you ever had that chilly thought? I thought either drugs or HIV or a random accident. I never dreamed it would be cancer in his twenties. I'm still in shock about that. (Ask me in 10 years -- I think I still will be, then.)
Losing any of our kids is brutal and unfair. The sudden industrial accidents and overdoses and drunken driving deaths are terrible nightmares... I hurt for you and your loss. I am so sorry you had no chance to say good bye. I can hear in your words how hard that is. I read your stories and hurt all over.
And then there's the the other way, a long slow agony of a disease like cancer, a pulling down into death over a year and a half, oh god. Such slow-mo hell. I'm not saying it's better or worse than suddenly getting taken, just different. Maybe harder for the person who is dying than a sudden ending? What would it feel like to know for a year and a half that you are about to die?
I think it will take me a long time to cope with all that fear, all that pain, all that sorrow. I'm not talking about my own. I'm talking about Andy's. What he faced. I would have done ANYTHING to alleviate his suffering. If you want to know what Oxycontin and morphine are for, keeping it real, that's what. So that young men who are dying, and know it, can escape it for a few freaking minutes.
I hope that your sons and daughters were given as much as they needed. If I had it to do again, I'd give him even more. There isn't any 'point' to suffering, you know? It doesn't get you a better seat on the bus. When it's over it's over and I know that Andy's courage was unparalleled, even as he kept himself as high as the prescription doses and insurance program would allow. No regrets, Annoo.
I also am still not over the sense of relief. For the first month, it's pretty much all I could feel. I felt almost no gasping shrieking pain... just numb shock and relief that his suffering was finally over. Emotional, spiritual and physical: he was at peace. I am still giving thanks, today, that the suffering is over. But I'm beginning to feel my own loss... my own pain.
Here with you.
Sarah
It's a good thing we never knew what was up ahead. Well, I sort of suspected. By the time Andy was about 10 I had this feeling that we would lose him. Have any of you ever had that chilly thought? I thought either drugs or HIV or a random accident. I never dreamed it would be cancer in his twenties. I'm still in shock about that. (Ask me in 10 years -- I think I still will be, then.)
Losing any of our kids is brutal and unfair. The sudden industrial accidents and overdoses and drunken driving deaths are terrible nightmares... I hurt for you and your loss. I am so sorry you had no chance to say good bye. I can hear in your words how hard that is. I read your stories and hurt all over.
And then there's the the other way, a long slow agony of a disease like cancer, a pulling down into death over a year and a half, oh god. Such slow-mo hell. I'm not saying it's better or worse than suddenly getting taken, just different. Maybe harder for the person who is dying than a sudden ending? What would it feel like to know for a year and a half that you are about to die?
I think it will take me a long time to cope with all that fear, all that pain, all that sorrow. I'm not talking about my own. I'm talking about Andy's. What he faced. I would have done ANYTHING to alleviate his suffering. If you want to know what Oxycontin and morphine are for, keeping it real, that's what. So that young men who are dying, and know it, can escape it for a few freaking minutes.
I hope that your sons and daughters were given as much as they needed. If I had it to do again, I'd give him even more. There isn't any 'point' to suffering, you know? It doesn't get you a better seat on the bus. When it's over it's over and I know that Andy's courage was unparalleled, even as he kept himself as high as the prescription doses and insurance program would allow. No regrets, Annoo.
I also am still not over the sense of relief. For the first month, it's pretty much all I could feel. I felt almost no gasping shrieking pain... just numb shock and relief that his suffering was finally over. Emotional, spiritual and physical: he was at peace. I am still giving thanks, today, that the suffering is over. But I'm beginning to feel my own loss... my own pain.
Here with you.
Sarah
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