listening to my heart.

I'm trying to be still, and observe when I'm un easy and when i'm fruitful. I've done well in using my phone to organize, in writing the reasons for why I work down to clear my head space and to get some tasks off that i've been putting off for a while! I'm constantly striving to FEEL organized and in control, without actually putting to work the tools that need to be used to have it happen in real life! I'm finding that my desire to be healthy and look great is linked well to eating naturally, and if I just focus on eating veggies, fruit, nuts and grains and make that my piont of thought when I'm hungry - I'm more able to handle not binge eating. I'm wondering if my anti depression medication is working or not though. I haven't thought about death as much, I haven't hit or hurt myself (I dont cut but I hit myself and have scratched myself too) and I have felt more confident about my relationship with my fiance'. I suppose that's good, especially seeing my health hasn't been well. Although motivation is still pretty big for me and I want to take so many days off and just lounge around. Anyway; I just fear disappointing people and allowing people to feel that I'm not worth their energy. I hate that because I put so much energy and investment into others... WHy do I feel this so much??? Is it that I don't have the right support networks? Is it that I dont have enough people caring about me?? Is it that I'm a let down to myself too much and I expect too little.. I dont know.