List of things in my head 2/11/22

Today, I am plagued by my thoughts. I feel like I have so much on my mind that there is no stopping the thoughts. I am most of the way through my work day, and I feel exhausted. And even when I do get off work, I still have more time that I should be awake at home. Well, here goes one of the best ways I know to make myself feel a little better.

I am currently almost 5 months pregnant, so Baby W. is on my mind.

Right now, I should be able to focus on that, and maintaining my normal life, and saving for when baby comes. But for some reason both my husband and Dave think that it is okay for Dave to continue staying in our home without paying for his own things. (I mean it was okay for a week, now we are on three weeks about to go into four without even evidence of him going out to find a new job.) I know he has a lot of family drama going on right now between death of an aunt, not being able to see his son, and dealing with his sister and her drama, but come on, I do NOT need to try and support another grown adult when I should be worrying about my family.

I am thinking about my son J Jr and how much I miss him; how he deals with his anger and breaking electronics; whether or not I will give him the brand new tablet that was recently given to me; whether his dad is going to let him come out and visit me over the summer; how summer visit is going to go with maternity leave; whether or not I should talk to his dad about the tablet or the summer visit now. 

My current youngest, DW, and helping him get better with letters and starting to read and write; getting him into Kindergarten since apparently that starts at the very beginning of the calendar year instead of closer to the next school year. Having to do anything with his school stuff when that is what my husband is supposed to be at home doing. 

Having my boss tell me that I am wrong about how to use something that I brought in for a co-worker, and then telling me that my opinion and knowledge base is no better than an 18 year old kid; and then comparing me and my opinion to his son's because his son doesn't want to listen to him. Though, I am sorry, I am 34 years old, I know how to shave both men and women and really sensitive areas, hmmm, but my opinion and knowledge don't matter. Stupid boy's club, but not much different than I expect everyday.

Woohoo...I am mostly through my list. My husband while for the most part I am very happy with, there are a few areas that actually bother me. Lately, he has been waking me up in the middle of the night even though I have a very hard time going back to sleep; I want to say that the insistance on sex bothers me, but I am not sure if it is the concept of him wanting to have sex that many times or whether I just don't have enough sexual desire that bothers me. The only other thing that bothers me is that my husband will not set up his own doctor's visit. 

I am also trying to quit smoking both cigarettes and weed. 

I still have a few other little things that bother me. Like small human considerations like leaving enough coffee for me to be able to leave for work on time, cleaning up after yourself when you dump an ashtray. And then probably one of the things that I recognize in myself lately. I am not as kind as the type of person I want to be; I want to be the type of person that is willing to help people that are in need, especially my friends, but more and more lately I see myself complaining about doing it, or being annoyed that I have to go out of my way to help someone. I don't know if it is selfishness-related, or pregnancy-related, or whether I just feel used and need a break.