Lindsay,
This is so weird... I'm not even sure I should be doing this. There's no real transition or into to this letter, I just want to tell you some things. I wish I could talk to you in person, but I don't have the stomach for it. Physically, I don't even think I could open my mouth. So this letter will have to do
I'm still not really sure where to begin... I have so much to say but my head is in shambles. You know when you are feeling like 80 emotions at once and you wish you could just look at someone and they would know exactly what you're thinking? It's like that, but a lot worse. It's worse because I have to remember. I have to go back to when I was 15 and dig up everything I've burried so deep. The hurt and pain. But for some reason I have to.
I'll just start with what came to mind first when I had the idea with this letter. I'll start with I'm sorry. Lindsay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting you through hell, and I now understand that I really did put you through hell. But Lindsay, you hurt me too.
What I did was wrong. That stupid plan with Alex was obviously the workings of a selfish 15 year old girl. But what happened after... The blogs, the messages, the phone calls, the voicemails... Those lead to a drastic and selfish choice. (I'm not saying that you did all of these things, but they were an effect of what happened. Kids can be cruel. Especially ignorant ones.) I was hurting so badd that I made an honest attempt to end my own life, for the third time. I would sit in my hospital room, staring out the window and watching the rain drops trail gracefully down the glass thinking that it was all your fault. I know now that it wasn't. I was just angry and you were an easy target. I'm sorry for that too.
Recently you've been posting on facebook that you're sad. (That sounds so lame, haha.) I thought I would be happy, knowing that you were experiencing at least a fraction of what I felt. I made an honest effort to be happy about it. Kylie even told me, "No matter what someone did to you, I know you wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone. Not even your worst enemy..." I wanted to tell her she was wrong, but I couldn't. For a while I was actually angry for not finding pleasure in your pain. I just... Couldn't. It wasn't nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be. In fact, it was quite disheartening. And honestly, I think a part of it was that you will never know what it's like.
If you're sick you don't have to send out a mass-text saying, "Don't worry, I'm not in a mental hospital again. I just don't feel good." To all of your friends. You'll never close your eyes at night and see the sweetest boy you've ever met sitting across from you in his hospital scrubs tell you that he is a rape victum. You don't have to remember writing a suicide note to the few people you love that reads, "I've done all I can..." Then signing it: "I'm with Kurt Cobain today." You don't have to live with that. I do. I'm haunted. But I don't want to blame you anymore...
You're a good person, Lindsay. We just didn't work out as friends back then. And I know this took some kind of toll on your family, and I'm so sorry for that too. You have an amazing mom and I want you to tell her that you love her every day. You're so lucky to have her and that you can tell her anything. Don't ever take her for granted.
------(I'm not going to put this paragraph in.)
I guess I should wrap this up... I forgive you for what happened. Maggie, that's another story. I don't know why, but I can't forgive her. Maybe someday, hopefully. Honestly, Mara doesn't even matter. She never really did. And I know that's aweful, but I never really loved her and I hated being her friend. I'm sorry for faking it with her, but that's it. She's just not the kind of person I want in my life.
I really hope you have a wonderful life, Lindsay. Someday you're going to find a wonderful guy who worships you and have lots of kids. You're going to be such a good mom. And most of all, I hope you'll be happy. You deserve it. And when you're sad, have faith that happiness will come.
I think that's it. I'm not really sure how to end this letter either. So, I think I'll just leave it at that. I'll see you in choir tomorrow.
I'm still not really sure where to begin... I have so much to say but my head is in shambles. You know when you are feeling like 80 emotions at once and you wish you could just look at someone and they would know exactly what you're thinking? It's like that, but a lot worse. It's worse because I have to remember. I have to go back to when I was 15 and dig up everything I've burried so deep. The hurt and pain. But for some reason I have to.
I'll just start with what came to mind first when I had the idea with this letter. I'll start with I'm sorry. Lindsay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting you through hell, and I now understand that I really did put you through hell. But Lindsay, you hurt me too.
What I did was wrong. That stupid plan with Alex was obviously the workings of a selfish 15 year old girl. But what happened after... The blogs, the messages, the phone calls, the voicemails... Those lead to a drastic and selfish choice. (I'm not saying that you did all of these things, but they were an effect of what happened. Kids can be cruel. Especially ignorant ones.) I was hurting so badd that I made an honest attempt to end my own life, for the third time. I would sit in my hospital room, staring out the window and watching the rain drops trail gracefully down the glass thinking that it was all your fault. I know now that it wasn't. I was just angry and you were an easy target. I'm sorry for that too.
Recently you've been posting on facebook that you're sad. (That sounds so lame, haha.) I thought I would be happy, knowing that you were experiencing at least a fraction of what I felt. I made an honest effort to be happy about it. Kylie even told me, "No matter what someone did to you, I know you wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone. Not even your worst enemy..." I wanted to tell her she was wrong, but I couldn't. For a while I was actually angry for not finding pleasure in your pain. I just... Couldn't. It wasn't nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be. In fact, it was quite disheartening. And honestly, I think a part of it was that you will never know what it's like.
If you're sick you don't have to send out a mass-text saying, "Don't worry, I'm not in a mental hospital again. I just don't feel good." To all of your friends. You'll never close your eyes at night and see the sweetest boy you've ever met sitting across from you in his hospital scrubs tell you that he is a rape victum. You don't have to remember writing a suicide note to the few people you love that reads, "I've done all I can..." Then signing it: "I'm with Kurt Cobain today." You don't have to live with that. I do. I'm haunted. But I don't want to blame you anymore...
You're a good person, Lindsay. We just didn't work out as friends back then. And I know this took some kind of toll on your family, and I'm so sorry for that too. You have an amazing mom and I want you to tell her that you love her every day. You're so lucky to have her and that you can tell her anything. Don't ever take her for granted.
------(I'm not going to put this paragraph in.)
I guess I should wrap this up... I forgive you for what happened. Maggie, that's another story. I don't know why, but I can't forgive her. Maybe someday, hopefully. Honestly, Mara doesn't even matter. She never really did. And I know that's aweful, but I never really loved her and I hated being her friend. I'm sorry for faking it with her, but that's it. She's just not the kind of person I want in my life.
I really hope you have a wonderful life, Lindsay. Someday you're going to find a wonderful guy who worships you and have lots of kids. You're going to be such a good mom. And most of all, I hope you'll be happy. You deserve it. And when you're sad, have faith that happiness will come.
I think that's it. I'm not really sure how to end this letter either. So, I think I'll just leave it at that. I'll see you in choir tomorrow.
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