Like your favorite blue jeans

Had the week off of therapy this week, so I've been doing some reading on my own. My mind needs to understand the "why" of this whole thing. Can't remember the writer of this gem, but I love it:

"Very often we dont go elsewhere because we are looking for another person. We go elsewhere because we are looking for another self. It isnt so much that we want to leave the person we are with as we want to leave the person we have become.

Its not about sex, its about desire, about attention, about reconnecting with parts of oneself you lost or you never knew existed. Its about longing and loss."

This is so true. It came up in therapy a couple weeks ago when the therapist pointed out that it's not really him that I want. It's the feelings I felt-- the feelings that felt more authentic to me than what I project to the world. In the moment, irresponsible, desired, relaxed... So different than the responsible, people pleasing, got it all together persona I project. Now, the key is finding a middle ground. I don't feel authentic or genuine when I get too wrapped up in what others think, but it might be inappropriate to show up to school drop-off three sheets to the wind, no? (I kid...)

Middle ground between uptight and lackadaisical. That place that feels authentic...

I find myself longing for the feelings the A gave me especially when things are either too mundane (really, how much laundry or poop scooping can you do in a day?) or they're over the top (work crisis, sister frustrations, four children needing fifty different things all RIGHT NOW). It's like those old commercials: "Calgon, take me away!" except my brain is screaming, "OM, take me away!"

This is what I try to remind myself of when I start jonesing for a "taste". I've got to reconnect to the parts of myself that feel authentic. It can never come from another person...