Life up to and after MY THIRD PREGNANCY
I was alone a month before my nineteenth birthday, Stephen was in jail and I was in the most fear I had ever been. I started talking to friends at work about the things that had happened to me, they couldn't understand why I wouldn't leave Stephen. I was 18 almost 19, Stephen knew where all of my family lived and they didn't want me there in the first place, plus he told me if I left him he would come their houses and kill everyone til he found me... his addiction caused him to seem serious. He told me he would find me and slowly kill me, once he even got mad at me for going home on lunch with a friend so that she could give me some pants that didn't fit her. When I got home he went out to our car and scraped dried battery acid off the battery, (I don't know if the acid alone being re-wet would've hurt me but the injection would.) he added water to it and got a needle from one of the guys and tied me to the bed and told me that if I screwed up again he would inject me with it. He had done alot of things, pulled guns and knives and tried to choke me and drown me... but this scared me. I wanted out, but I didn't want him to find me. I tried to find a friend that he didn't know that would help me leave him, but everyone I knew didn't have the room for me. So... I waited. I waited for Stephen to get out of jail, I waited for him to come home. It was December and he was being all nice and pretending to care about me, he made his brother (who had picked him up from jail because I was working) stop so he could get me a gift. The gift was really for him, I opened the box and it was some red underwear and a red nighty with fluff on it. I swallowed hard because I knew what I had to do for him tonight... I didn't want to do anything. I tried to tell him I was tired but he slapped me and told me that I disrespected his gift and that I needed to put it on NOW! I did what I was told and he had his fun and let me go to sleep. I woke up hating myself, but at least he didn't try and use me for drugs again. He was genuinely trying to quit this time... or so I thought. He made me do the same thing every day when I came home and after a while he started doing the drugs again. He would give the guys an hour and tell them to use a condom, I tried to commit suicide for the 2nd time. I was miserable and I started getting sick, the same familiar sickness.
I went into work that night and on my break I took 4 first response's... I had 4 positives. I was so sad, but happy because it was another chance! I knew I needed to leave Stephen. January came and I didn't pay rent, we got evicted and I told him it was because they knew about his and the guys' drug abuse. I told him I was moving to my mother's house and that we would find a place together later and then I had my grandfather help me move to my mom's. When I got to my parents' house I told them everything and they told me that NO ONE would get me there so I called him and told him that it was over. I thought that was the end of my horror. I was at work one day and saw him walk into the door... I panicked, but I kept working. He watched me all night and watched me leave. Every day I would see him and every day he would watch me. I was afraid. One day after work, I came outside and my mom was late picking me up... I was alone and standing out in a dark parking lot. I felt someone's hand around the back of my neck and heard his voice. "Bitch I told you if you left me I would kill you, I told you I would kill everyone in your family. If I can't have you NO ONE will!" I had a fear in my heart so I yelled, I screamed for help. He dragged me into the ally where there were no cameras and beat me til I begged him to stop and then left me there. I was bleeding and had blacked eye when my mom found me. She asked me if I wanted to see a doctor and I just wanted to go home.
I was sore and hurting, I was scared to go back to work and lost my job. I stayed in my room and cried. The stress got to me again, I woke up one morning in February and felt the same pain and went into the bathroom. Blood was running down my legs and I screamed. I passed out and woke up in an ambulance. They told me to be still and that I had just lost my baby. We got to the hospital and I was still bleeding, they checked me out and told me that I wasn't far enough along and I passed everything but there was more scarring. I was told that I may never be able to carry again due to the fact that my last two pregnancies weren't even monitored by a doctor. I was pretty much told that this was my fault. I had to have appointments set up to get back on birth control and they did papsmears. I stopped having periods and started being stressed every day. My gyno sent me to have labs and they found that I was hypothyroid and started me on Synthroid. Life just kept throwing me fire balls. I mean, they say I won't be able to get pregnant because of the scars, they say the thyroid problem will make it even harder and I I felt like my life was over.
Here I am 5 years later and everything is still depressing. I wake up in the morning having had the same dreams and I go to bed praying I won't. I am blessed now to be with the man of my dreams and to know that one day he will be the father of my children, even if we adopt (which I still really don't want to do).
I went into work that night and on my break I took 4 first response's... I had 4 positives. I was so sad, but happy because it was another chance! I knew I needed to leave Stephen. January came and I didn't pay rent, we got evicted and I told him it was because they knew about his and the guys' drug abuse. I told him I was moving to my mother's house and that we would find a place together later and then I had my grandfather help me move to my mom's. When I got to my parents' house I told them everything and they told me that NO ONE would get me there so I called him and told him that it was over. I thought that was the end of my horror. I was at work one day and saw him walk into the door... I panicked, but I kept working. He watched me all night and watched me leave. Every day I would see him and every day he would watch me. I was afraid. One day after work, I came outside and my mom was late picking me up... I was alone and standing out in a dark parking lot. I felt someone's hand around the back of my neck and heard his voice. "Bitch I told you if you left me I would kill you, I told you I would kill everyone in your family. If I can't have you NO ONE will!" I had a fear in my heart so I yelled, I screamed for help. He dragged me into the ally where there were no cameras and beat me til I begged him to stop and then left me there. I was bleeding and had blacked eye when my mom found me. She asked me if I wanted to see a doctor and I just wanted to go home.
I was sore and hurting, I was scared to go back to work and lost my job. I stayed in my room and cried. The stress got to me again, I woke up one morning in February and felt the same pain and went into the bathroom. Blood was running down my legs and I screamed. I passed out and woke up in an ambulance. They told me to be still and that I had just lost my baby. We got to the hospital and I was still bleeding, they checked me out and told me that I wasn't far enough along and I passed everything but there was more scarring. I was told that I may never be able to carry again due to the fact that my last two pregnancies weren't even monitored by a doctor. I was pretty much told that this was my fault. I had to have appointments set up to get back on birth control and they did papsmears. I stopped having periods and started being stressed every day. My gyno sent me to have labs and they found that I was hypothyroid and started me on Synthroid. Life just kept throwing me fire balls. I mean, they say I won't be able to get pregnant because of the scars, they say the thyroid problem will make it even harder and I I felt like my life was over.
Here I am 5 years later and everything is still depressing. I wake up in the morning having had the same dreams and I go to bed praying I won't. I am blessed now to be with the man of my dreams and to know that one day he will be the father of my children, even if we adopt (which I still really don't want to do).
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