Life Takes a Turn Downward

Monday, July 27, 2009 - 10:20 A.M. Few things seem to be going right in my life now. I am feeling farther down than I have in a long time. No easy remedy or solution appears readily before me, but I will make it through this time just as I have in the past.   One of the CNA's who helps me in the mornings had a death in her family, so she will not be with me during this week. My home healthcare agency has managed to find someone to substitute for her, but it will still mean somewhat of a hardship   My PCP (who does my cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping, plus gets my medicines for me) is spending most of this week in the hospital because of a neck problem, so somebody will be substituting for her as well. This may mean that I will have to try and go to the grocery store on my own, which is something I have not done in about two years. That might turn out to be something good, since I may have become too dependent upon my PCP in some ways.   When I saw Dr. Martin last week, she wanted to know if I needed to talk with her about something that I had not been able to discuss with her very much. I said that I still had issues with the sexual abuse that had occurred at various times in my life. I told her that I was having difficulties in bringing up the subject or talking about it. She said that I could write a few things about it on paper, and give that to her when I see her this week. I can do that up to a point, but I'm not sure that I will be able to express myself verbally as long as I am sitting across from her. I am not quite sure what to say. (It would be much easier to let her see everything that I have written on the PTSD boards here, but I do not think that is a practical solution.)   My sister returned home from her vacation to Missouri last week. She seemed to have a good time (she could not stop talking about it). This Thursday she is going on a five-day trip to Indiana for a surprise anniversary party for some of her in-laws. She also informed me that in September, she's going to England for two weeks, and Italy for one. Although this is nothing more than what she deserves, I'm starting to become somewhat jealous or envious of her. Her daughter, son-in-law and their children, have been on vacation in Texas, her son, daughter-in-law, and their children have just returned from a vacation in Georgia, and my brother recently returned with his wife from a cruise to Croatia. I am beginning to feel left out of things, and I am sure this is having a strong impact on my depression.   Tomorrow morning I'm going to see my psychiatrist. About the only thing he really does for me is prescribing medications, so that is primarily why I am going to see him. Dale, my mental health therapist, keeps him updated regularly on the progress I am making in my therapy with him. I suspect he may want me to try a different antidepressant, but I will refuse to do that since I have had a lot of complications whenever I have tried new medications. There have been several times that I've wound up in the ER after I've been placed on new medicine. I am not about to let that happen tomorrow.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I know what you mean about listening to where everyone else is going, I feel the same way alot. Because I am a single parent, paying for a large house meant for 2 people to have payed for I cannot afford to travel. Sometimes it can makes me feel left out of the fun in life, but I prefer it this way, than to be strapped down to someone whose presence brings me misery 24-7, no matter where we went, nor how much money we had. (but we did have some fun times at amusement parks). I don\'t blame you for not wanting to try new meds with such severe reactions to them in the past.
CoolGal
CoolGal

Hi Jim Hang in there. It\'s hard when life gets turned upside down. I\'ve felt like that too, Try to relax and do somethings you enjoy. Try to take your mind of things a bit. Many big hugs and wishes always-Stephanie
deleted_user
deleted_user

Jim, I\'ll bet you always felt left out of your family. This is just a reminder. I think it\'s time you leave THEM out of things.

I imagine it\'s very frightening to have strangers come into your home. Just know that you have power now. If anything happens, you\'ve become very good at informing the agency and telling people. If they hurt you then I\'ll be at their doorstep showing them how it feels. I can relate to this fear very much (only mine was totally irrational) and everyone kept telling me that I am an adult now and I can protect myself. You have been practicing this lately by keeping people informed and telling when stuff does go wrong. You got a CNA to stop hurting you and you told on one who was stealing your meds. Even though the desired outcome may not have happened you did manage to stick up for yourself and now people will have their eyes on these CNAs.

I think that sometimes life gives us what we need, not what we want. Going to the grocery store will force you to face fear and help you build confidence. It\'s not easy. I hope you can write about the experience. I think it would make a great story.
deleted_user
deleted_user

First of all...this is critically important; if you are going to the grocery store...hit the Haagen Daas and the Ben and Jerry isle...it is a must.

Gosh, Jim, I really feel for you. We have been in a similar place for some time now.

Make sure to tell Dale how you are feeling. That is more important than New York Fudge from Ben and Jerry.

I think your doctor has a good idea about writing down details of the abuse.
I know exactly what I am going to say to my doctor. Then I sit across from him and look him in the eyes and sigh...sometimes it feels just too hard.
Remember, first and foremost, this was not your fault.
Remember also that sexual abuse has so many sick, twisted and very unsavory aspects of it; we tend to absorb all of it as deep internal shame.
I know of some women who climaxed during a rape and now are consumed with deep, deep self loathing.
We must remember that the body responds to physical stimulation, no matter what the people involved in a situation are doing. We must not take blame for something that we do not deserve.
Sometimes we take responsibility for the occurrences for a variety or reason. We blame ourselves because we played the role of being the abused to the abuser. That role can bring may disturbing elements that we use as a form of self condemnation.
Shame and self loathing are just a form of control used to keep us in that victim role.
You were attacked...you were abused..someone hurt YOU.
You are completely innocent no matter what you did or felt or did not feel.
The blame is completely on them.
No matter how convoluted the abusive situations did become...you are pure and lily white. You are...truly.
Dale and Dr. Martin have heard it all before.
They have read all the books.
Nothing you will tell them will shock them.
The shame is holding you hostage.
Don\'t let these people from your past continue to write your present and your future.
Of course, you know all of this.
It is good to see it in print.
It is important to remind yourself that it is and was never your fault.
I think the more you talk to your doctor about this, the more you get out the poison from within, the more cleansed and whole you will feel.
Think of those crazy alien movies that some people like to watch.
The alien may invade a host human being.
When the powers that be in the movie regain control, they find a way to purge the alien from this human.
When the alien is spewed out in a lump in clear sight of everyone, it is disgusting to behold.
But, that is the point...IT IS digusting and IT has been removed from this poor soul who did nothing wrong but to be in the path of destruction.
Once Dale and Dr. Martin help you spew this vile venom out of your past and present...your future will be so much better.
Consider writing down all the sordid details...get it out of yourself...give it to Dr.
Martin.
Then....most importantly...forgive yourself for any part that you think you may have played in this abuse. Forgive yourself for being abused. Forgive yourself for being victimized. Let the blame fall onto the disgusting abusers, where it belongs.

Perhaps you can use an increase in your current depression medicine instead of an entirely new one. I, too, get very serious side effects from trying different antidepressants. It pretty much turns you into someone else who has a life that sucks more than yours..the pill taker. Ahhhgggrrrhhh..
Let us both remember, this will run full circle.
We will be back to a happier level.

Life can be very difficult when additional stressors are added to an already full boat load of interesting little aspects.
I can see how having to temporarily replace aids can cause anxiety, uncomfortableness and even an increase in depression.

Most definitely do I understand the vacation situations.
I would love to go somewhere where the four walls look different.
It is the same with me. Family and friends are going and coming from here and there. If I had the cash, I might go somewhere..maybe.
I thought of taking the bus to a seaside casino area. I don\'t like casinos at all.
The bus is very cheap. But, I don\'t think I would be able to endure the long ride to and from. Plus.. being closed in with all those people in a small space...not very relaxing for me.
The fascinating thing is that my sister has a huge house right smack dab on the ocean in a very nice town. In six years, I have only been give a window of a couple of hours that would be open for visiting...and that was for Christmas.
I just got an email from her telling me that she is so busy...she will be in Colorado for two weeks...can ya believe it ?? She said there will be three to four weeks from mid August to mid September that she will either be at her other home in another lovely town hours away from the ocean or she will be traveling.
Boy..would it be nice to have her say...hey..use my house at the shore..it is empty...relax...sit on the balcony..walk on the beach...smell the salt air..
But, nope, not once in the entire time of my illness has this happened.
My brother used to live in a mansion on a lake which connected to the ocean.
He had a yacht parked out back.
But, visiting with him would have been a problem.
I would have to introduce myself to him every time I ran into him in the hallway or in the kitchen when I was looking for a cup of coffee.
What a conundrum that would be !

I hope you stay connected with DS while you are having such strong feelings of sadness.
Consider messaging with your friends to keep in touch.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Did I mention that when I am super tired and very depressed, I tend to write books ??

Hmmm ....
deleted_user
deleted_user

Go for it GoodGod, it was good reading.

I\'d just be repeating some of what she said if I commented.

And I really liked Sam\'s thought:

\"This is just a reminder. I think it\'s time you leave THEM out of things. \"

I was always left out too, and you already know my husband\'s family won\'t change their ways to accommodate their son\'s/brother\'s wife.

So we DO do things without them.

I hope this next week coming up is better for you.

Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
deleted_user
deleted_user

PS - above comment was made on Aug.1. So I mean the week beginning August 3.