Life Takes a Turn Downward

Monday, July 27, 2009 - 10:20 A.M. Few things seem to be going right in my life now. I am feeling farther down than I have in a long time. No easy remedy or solution appears readily before me, but I will make it through this time just as I have in the past.   One of the CNA's who helps me in the mornings had a death in her family, so she will not be with me during this week. My home healthcare agency has managed to find someone to substitute for her, but it will still mean somewhat of a hardship   My PCP (who does my cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping, plus gets my medicines for me) is spending most of this week in the hospital because of a neck problem, so somebody will be substituting for her as well. This may mean that I will have to try and go to the grocery store on my own, which is something I have not done in about two years. That might turn out to be something good, since I may have become too dependent upon my PCP in some ways.   When I saw Dr. Martin last week, she wanted to know if I needed to talk with her about something that I had not been able to discuss with her very much. I said that I still had issues with the sexual abuse that had occurred at various times in my life. I told her that I was having difficulties in bringing up the subject or talking about it. She said that I could write a few things about it on paper, and give that to her when I see her this week. I can do that up to a point, but I'm not sure that I will be able to express myself verbally as long as I am sitting across from her. I am not quite sure what to say. (It would be much easier to let her see everything that I have written on the PTSD boards here, but I do not think that is a practical solution.)   My sister returned home from her vacation to Missouri last week. She seemed to have a good time (she could not stop talking about it). This Thursday she is going on a five-day trip to Indiana for a surprise anniversary party for some of her in-laws. She also informed me that in September, she's going to England for two weeks, and Italy for one. Although this is nothing more than what she deserves, I'm starting to become somewhat jealous or envious of her. Her daughter, son-in-law and their children, have been on vacation in Texas, her son, daughter-in-law, and their children have just returned from a vacation in Georgia, and my brother recently returned with his wife from a cruise to Croatia. I am beginning to feel left out of things, and I am sure this is having a strong impact on my depression.   Tomorrow morning I'm going to see my psychiatrist. About the only thing he really does for me is prescribing medications, so that is primarily why I am going to see him. Dale, my mental health therapist, keeps him updated regularly on the progress I am making in my therapy with him. I suspect he may want me to try a different antidepressant, but I will refuse to do that since I have had a lot of complications whenever I have tried new medications. There have been several times that I've wound up in the ER after I've been placed on new medicine. I am not about to let that happen tomorrow.