life sucks

Hi All Well here I am again back to write again. I have been so much depression in mind about stuff off course my past. I sit down and cry and let all go but this stupid brain just not get the message and it makes me even worse. I started to cut and then give up and then started to drink and then give up. Started to worry about my life as what I should be doing to it and then stress on it until my mind goes blind and I can here no more apart from seeing in the darkness. Still finding it more and more harder to read or even open a book, something inside me keep saying no no no, u r a failure. I failed to myself and I am not happy. My job is again a stress one. I have never managed to find a job without stress. Being even 30 I stress and cry. I am becoming more and more sensitive to my surroundings, that is the reason I am having sleepless night, tried all the sleep tablets and when have enough then give up, Every day make a new goal but cant even think of straight of doing. I wish I would have never read all this knowledge, which always confuses me life is just even worst. I forgot to say that I have bought a car. Gt my insurance done but not happy as my previous insurer lost my 3 years no claim bouns. me being not organized again and losing all my papers. Such a shit habit. i am really feeling down and i just like to go away so far so far that never come back. life sucks it is so painfull . dont like it any more.