Life sucks

Why are we alive?  I have no idea.  Today again my dad completely closed all the doors for my sister.  He is the ultimate decider.  He decides everything because he has the money.  That is pretty much it.  It is his way or the highway.  We live in a third world country where there are no social assistance for people who are feeling suffocated at home.  There is no safety net.  This is what happened when I tried to do things my way and the same thing is happening with my sister when she is trying to do things her way.  It doesn't make sense for my dad so we are left with nothing.  It is important that we do something about it.  I feel that I am suicidal and that there is no way I will feel better.  It is probably true.  I don't see how I would be better.  Going abroad is not really what I want and it is the only thing that will make me feel better.  So I think that the only thing is to stay here and maybe die or something.  My dad is giving me money to see a psychiatrist and he is paying for the meds but I have no idea till when is this going to stay.  Why would I want to sustain this it is like being on life support once the funding is done I am done.  It is artificial living.  I hope that my sister thinks differently.  Maybe she thinks in a positive manner and she values living even if it is suffering.  I don't.  I don't want to suffer.  I have no idea.  I am so worried that tomorrow my dad is not going to give me money to go to the psychiatrist.  I hate it when he does.  I cannot work because I feel so suicidal and so negative so the hell with work.  I don't want money from anyone and I know that officially I cannot make money.  Why live.  I don't know why I am writing so much is it that I feel that there is an audience to this journal and I am just letting everything out.  Is it good to do that?  I have no idea.  Is it better to write in my paper journal and keep things to myself.  Is this public publishing so I get a kick of feeling important?  Is it good for everyone to get a chance to feel important?  Is it artificial?  Is it excessive? Is it better to stay conservative and write for myself only and not publish my thoughts?  How do these things work?  I think I will go research now how the age of the internet and the micro blogging affects a human being? It is good to see ask a sociologist this question and know their point of view about the question.  Actually since this is not really micro-blogging maybe I could ask the experts of DS and see what they think about it.  I will however do the research and see what I can find about publishing ones own thoughts over the internet.