Life Since Him

 These are just a some of the poems that I've written since last August when my heart got shit on. Thought it was about time I put these in my journal. Hope you guys like them.   I Love You Just The Way You Were I love you just the way you were And I don’t want that to change But you’ve given me no choice And I can’t live with things this way You need to tell me now Tell me nothing but the truth Do you want this girl To be in love with you? If you do than this won’t change And my world will feel just right If you don’t Then I’ll move on Though, it will take some time I don’t want to shed those tears I don’t want to say good bye You will always have a part of me 4 months of my life   August 10, 2008   Grow Up You say you want this You’re just not ready But you keep changing your mind And now I don’t know if I can believe anything you tell me Because everything you tell me you contradict later on And it’s driving me insane. I want to be with you Now, in the future, whenever I can finally have what I want But I don’t know how I will ever believe you If you tell me one day that you’re ready That you want this Because you’ve said it before And you’ll say it again And it’s always a question of how long How long will you still want this before you change your mind again? You say you’re not ready But if you’re not ready now And you were ready before When the hell can I believe you will be ready for real? How can I know when it’s time to risk it all again Risk getting hurt again? If you love me, and you want me What the fuck is so hard to figure out? I get it – it’s scary But fuck... so is everything in life that’s worth giving a damn about That’s no reason to throw it away Everything that matters is hard to manage sometimes Everything that matters is scary But it’s worth the effort and it’s worth the risk But I guess that’s just me Not everyone is willing to sacrifice comfort for desire Not everyone is willing to risk security for happiness  I guess it’s just a matter of value Which do you value more? Feeling secure, even though you know there is more to life that makes it less empty Or feeling less empty, even though you lack the security of only having your self? I know what I want But I guess it’s not up to me And I don’t know what to do When you decide you’re ready And you come back and ask me to risk feeling like this again What if you change your mind again? I can’t do this much more I’ve pulled through so much with you I’ve put up with so much for you And I can’t do it again just to get hurt again I can’t let you think you love me again and again I can’t let myself think you love me again and again When I never know how long it’s going to last One day I’m perfect The next I’m too much One day you’re happy The next you can’t take it It’s like you don’t want to be happy or something Like you prefer being fine but knowing something is missing Rather than letting someone in who will never fucking hurt you Never fucking lie to you Never fucking cheat on you or fuck with your head Just in case they actually do The only person hurting you is you The only person making this a risk is you It’s not a risk with me It’s not a fucking gamble It’s the real deal It’s a girl who cares so much that no matter how much she realizes she is just going to get hurt she’s willing to risk it over and over again just for those moments when you do let her get close I know it’s me who’s  gunna get their heart ripped out I’ve come to terms with it I don’t want to get hurt – who the hell does? But I’m still willing to risk it Because everything worthwhile is worth a risk And requires a risk So I just hope one of these days you’ll grow up And you’ll be able to convince me that you have Which might not be so easy. It’s time to drop those childish dreams of an easy comfortable life Those days are long gone And they’re never coming back They ended the day you became a man From that day forward life is a gigantic risk And the only way to get through it is to accept the fact And take the risks And take what you can get that’s worth taking Like love for instance Like anything else that makes life worth living, it might just be worth it Maybe we don’t need love But it sure makes the world less lonely It sure makes daily life a little more enjoyable Ok is ok, and I’ll take it if that’s what I can get But better is better And I’ll take what I can get Anything that makes life less boring Anything that makes life less lonely Anything that makes life just a little more fulfilling I’ll take it And love falls into that category So what’s the fuckin problem? August 31, 2008    Mistake I could tell you I hate you That you ruined my life I could tell you the truth You’re my biggest mistake   But I still love you I want you back in my life Even though it’s the truth You’re my biggest mistake   I’d do it again in a heartbeat I feel stupid, naive But I’d do it again You’re my favourite mistake   You tore my heart up You spat on my pride But I still love you You’re my favourite mistake   You’re the sweetest mistake The bitterest, too You ruined my life But you completed it too   I’ve never been this girl I’ve always been strong I’ve always been cautious Saving myself from hurt   But not this time   You’ll always have a part of me You’ll always be a part of me You’ll always be My favourite mistake   My biggest mistake My sweetest mistake My bitterest mistake My favourite mistake I’ll never let that go...   September 11, 2008   Turn Around Just turn around And look me straight in the eyes Tell me all of this has been a sac of lies Cuz I don’t believe it for one fuckin’ minute, no   I know what I saw I know what I felt Don’t try to tell me None of that was real Cuz I was there And I’m not stupid, no   We coulda had everything We coulda had fun We coulda been perfect You coulda been the one   But that’s gone now You threw it away Yeah, that’s gone now Moved onto another day And I say   Just turn around And look me straight in the eyes Tell me all of this has been a sac of lies Cuz I don’t believe it for one fuckin’ minute, no   I know what I saw I know what I felt Don’t try to tell me None of that was real Cuz I was there And I’m not stupid, no   I never would lie to you I never would cheat I never would hurt you No matter how bad you hurt me   All those things that you said That you thought that I did I know you know That you were full of shit So say you’re sorry And it’ll be okay   Don’t turn around And look me straight in the eyes Tell me all of this has been a sac of lies Cuz I don’t believe it for one fuckin’ minute, no   November 10, 2008     It Still Hurts It still hurts I still awake each morning with tears streaming down my face To the realization that I am alone To the memory of what I’ve lost And the fact that I have no idea how I lost it   It still hurts As much as it did the day we ended As much as it did when I realized it was over for good As much as it did when I realized I still love you Even though I know you don’t love me   It still hurts Enough to make me wonder if there is any point at all Enough to make me want to just give up Enough to make me hate being alive Because I can never have what I want the most   I just wish it would go away I just want it to stop hurting so damn much I hate waking up in tears And falling asleep the same I hate being painfully aware of the void in my heart The empty centre that was once filled by you    January 27, 2009   Prison You cut to the core And into my essence The shell is no more When filled by your presence   Submerged in the waters Of consummate bliss My love cannot falter When sealed by your kiss   The world shines anew With your tender embrace All desire is subdued All pain is erased   Thus, here in the void Outside your existence My heart remains embroid With bittersweet reminiscence   Emblazoned with passion I long for release What now is my prison Had once set me free   February 10, 2009   Alone Until I met you I had resigned myself to a life alone I was okay with the thought of being alone But you changed all that, and there’s no going back I never want to be alone again   I’ve never felt so isolated, so alone I’ve always been fine just by myself But now I can’t take it And I’m afraid of being alone   I can’t sleep comfortably And I wake up in tears I miss you more than words can say I miss you more with each passing day   It’s tearing me apart I try to come to terms with reality To accept that we’re over, you’re gone But I can’t let go of hoping you’ll come back   I tell myself that we just can’t work That you’ve hurt me too much, the stain is too great But I know I’m just lying to myself To mask the truth that you don’t love me   It hurts just a little bit less believing I cut you out And that’s why we’re not together The thought of you not loving me Kills me every time it passes   I tell myself I’d walk away If ever you came back But I’m lying through my teeth It would be the happiest day of my life   You hurt me more than anyone else But I would go through it all again in a heartbeat Just to sleep beside you for one more night If only it worked that way   I pretend that one day I’ll replace you I’ll find someone who can make me just as happy But again I am a liar I just hope I can find someone who will let me pretend    July 2, 2007