Life really.

Over the last 5 months, I've really shed my 'rose-tinted glasses' I'm having a hard time realizing exactly what life is, and what it includes... For 20 years, my view of life was really unharmed, untouched by tragedy... I had a difficult childhood, grew up in an unstable environment with a mom who has major anxiety and depression ( which I have now too, but working through it at least. ) But I never really had to deal with sickness or mortality... I'm now seeing and excepting ( fighting every step of the way ) what life is really...There is sickness, and death... and you cannot escape it. You do not have control over everything and you never can. People get sick, people have surgery, people have disability, and people die. In the last 5 months its either been pure ka-winkie-dink or just life that: My mom got sick two months after my PE with a respiritory infection, my great grandma ( yes great, at least I can be thankful for good genes, strong women straight from Italy) had pneumonia and we all thought the worst, but thank god she pulled through and ok, my landlady at my apt. had a stroke, my doggie thats 14 years old is very sick, and now last night I come to find out that my dad needs surgery for a hernia that he neglected for 7 years! I keep thinking "is this really life, and I've been blind all this time??? or is this just a bad time in the universe for health?" At 21 years old excepting life for what it really is and excepting mortality itself is really hard! It seems like everything is hitting at once, JEEZ someone up there must really want me to take a hint huh! I spent a lot of my life avoiding the thought of sickness and death, I wanted to believe the world was perfect but I got a huge slap! Health is not a given... and now I'm realizing that being "healthy" doesnt mean you might not have a condition or ailment. When I went to the ER in the beginning of OCT. I thought I was clotting in my legs b/c I was cramping, and I was histerical ( I also just had a huge fight with my g/f about me being nutz for thinking I was clotting ) The dr brought me a xzanex and told my mom that I was a young "healthy" girl and I would be fine... My mind goes "HEALTHY??? WTF is this dr smoking? I just had  PE in June" Maybee being healthy isnt being perfect? I dread having a condition... but if I were to have one does that mean Im not healthy? I have TMJ now... does that make me not healthy? I think for a long time I've been putting an unrealizistic label on health... I have TMJ and I always will and sometimes it will hurt and sometimes it wont... but it isnt going to kill me! I need to put normal expectations on my health not wish I was perfect. Its becoming more apparent to me that everyone has a health issue... back pain, migraines... heart burn... life cannot be perfect and we are not robots. I've been living in this state of denial that I never had a pain before my PE which isnt true...ive had lot of pains, and stomach viruses and nasty colds, and an apendectomy when I was 9. This mental journal has been incredible! So, my horoscope said I was going to get some "good news" on Dec. 1st... and I guess I did!I went to have my INR done and finally its bumped back up to normal 2.5 yay! it was 2.1 for a few weeks... maybee that mojito helped 8)! I went to see the urologist for a follow up, and I talked him about this issue being a side effect of coumadin and he said it very well might be, and that hed love to do a study on this. Im still taking the pill he gave me to stop me from peeing all of the time, its working fine. I cant help being annoyed I feel like an old lady! Im on coumadin and a overactive bladder pill ugh! I got really  down about that last night, bc I just want to be 21. I also got an e-mail from one of our fellow DS friends about a class action suit against YAZ/YASMIN so thats great news to me! Im hoping that this will stop them from producing this stupid pill! I know believeing in Horoscopes can be total cheese but hey weather my mind power put the universe in alignment for good things to happen, or the stars are really right...good things still happened right? I saw a book on CD at borders, called the "worry cure" and I thought it would be good, so my gf found it at the library and i listened to it, I think the whole thing was 3 hours...Im gunna listen again as I may have drifted off some, but its about anxiety and I found it to be very helpful, some of it talks about money, relationships and such but some of it talks about health anxiety which really helped me understand, its like this guy is in your head and know those little thoughts and tricks your mind plays that you just dont talk about! I'm sure they have it in book form too but I like listening better! I have a pulmonologist appointment Dec. 18th, I  dont know what to expect, I saw one in the hospital, but my primary wants me to go for a follow up, not because theres something wrong, I may do a post to see what they do to you lol... Im seeing my Hematologist on the 15th of dec, Im going to write down a list of questions...as thats the only way I get answers!!! This will be the first time Im seeing him since I found out my clot is dissolved! I have the ct scan report from that day taped to my wall lol it says "CT SCAN OF CHEST W/ CONTRAST: and then it says "NO ABNORMALITY" " woohoo for that, so Ill bring him a copy... just for the hell of it.  My g/f leaves for CA on wednesday so Im sad, this will be the last time I'll see her for a week ugh...but the time might do us some good for the relationship. So, thats it for now.