Life PT3

By 1998 we had decided to file for disability for Brandon, our oldest. Then in August I had another flare that put me off work for eight months. It was this time that I was diagnosed with fibro., and started being treated for it. Then in 2000 we bought our dream house. Things went great until January 2002, and in just two weeks time, I got down to the point I could not walk. The next three years I was either on a walker, or in a wheelchair, or one of the boys had to pick me up and carry me. This is when I found out that I have Spondylolisthesis (a fancy way of saying my spine is broke) where the spine joins the hip bone, Raynouds Syndrome, Essential Tremors, Degenritive Disk Disease, Osteoprosis (resulting in major bone loss, explaining the Spondy, and loosing all my teeth), and Sciatia. On top of all that, I am bipolar with major depressive disorder, one of my psychiatrist even suggested that with my childhood being as bad as it was I could even have a touch of PTSD. But, she did not feel it was bad enough to test me for it. Then in 2008 we lost our house, we just could not afford it anymore. The last few years have not been too bad, except that I allowed myself to get my head stuck in the sand. I forgot that other people are going through the same thing I am. I forgot that my family has to go through this with me. I got all wrapped up in myself and my problems. I did not care about other peoples problems. For instance, shortly after finding out all the other problems I have, I started having problems with ED. I didn't know if it was the meds, the pain, a combination of the two or just what. Either way, I really felt that the last shred of my manhood was being stripped away from me. The last four or five times that we tried to make love, I was keeping an erection until, the Spondy sent a lightening bolt of pain through my back, and legs. Not only did I lose the erection, but had to lay down, actually I fell down because my legs would turn to jelly. No matter what position we tried, if the ED didn't stop us, the pain did. I lost all sense of my manhood, I knew that it was upsetting Dawn, but I got mad at her because she did not understand why I felt so bad about it. I got furious with her when she could not understand why I no longer even wanted to try. It just wasn't worth the pain, physical or mental. For the first time in years I developed a need to have a man in my life. After all I was no longer a man, or didn't feel like one anyway. I knew that Dawn was upset and worried, since I no longer could make love to her, she was afraid I was going to leave her for a man. I didn't have to say anything to her, even though she was ok with my past she was also always jealous of any man that was in my life. She never got jealous because of other women, but she was even jealous of the straight men in my life. She just could not understand that it wasn't that I did not want to have sex, it was that it was physically impossible for me to have sex. I knew that it was impossible, and knew that just trying would send me into a fit of depression. I still had a desire to be intimate with her, despite not being able to perform. So we got up one Saturday morning and drove 100 miles, and made a visit to an adult bookstore, and bought almost $200 worth of martial toys. Just because I can't have sex doesn't mean that she can't. Despite all this, she still could not understand, that I wanted to, I just couldn't. Until I managed to find a pamphlet somewhere, a dr.'s office, internet, or somewhere, that explained with pictures that the nerves that control the groin area, run through and are directly affected by the vertebrae that is broke, and the disk that is degenerating. Once she was finally able to accept that, it took a lot of pressure off of me. Then in 2010 Dawn got a phone call from a family friend. They told her that her niece had a three year old son, that needed to be taken away from her. She was addicted to crack, and paid for it by being a hooker. She would turn the playpen upside down on top of him, and leave for two or three days at a time, she was living with a convicted child molester, and a lot of other things. Even though I was against it, because of my health and our finances and other things, we drove to Chicago and took custody of him. I have tried, I promise I have tried to think of him as my own, but I can't. With the other two boys, it wasn't that I thought of them as mine, they just were mine. I don't know if it's because I was against us taking him, if it's because of my emotional state at the time we got him, or just what it is. I feel terrible because I can't, it really bothers me. I do everything I can to keep him from knowing how I feel, I try to make him feel that I think of him as mine. Maybe one day I can, but not now. For the most part now I have everything under control. The nurse practitioner and doctors at my pain clinic are great. They really care about their patients, and  are willing to work with us as much as possible. My psychiatrist is also really great, and makes sure that I have what I need to stay on top of my mood swings. I still have the fibro flares, but for the most part they don't get real bad unless I try to work. I also still have a good bit of trouble with depression, and mood swings, I could increase my meds to help with this, but I can't depend on meds, there are some things that I have to be responsible for. I do my best to keep a positive attitude, it doesn't always work, but I try. I'm finally thinking about someone other than myself, and I think that is going to make a big difference in my life, and my outlook.I want to thank you if you made it this far. I made the comment on another of my post, that I was not exactly asking for advice, just getting things off my chest. However, I will take any and all advice that is offered. Also know that I do not get my feelings hurt, I don't get offended, nor do I get mad at someone that is trying to help me. So if you feel you need to say something go ahead and say it, I probably need to hear it.