Life isn't fair
I am beginning to realize oh, so many things. Tidbits of wisdom flash into my consciousness like bolts of lightening and I am shocked that I didn't see these things sooner, or it's like part of me was aware, but could never put the feeling to words, thus bringing it the the conscious level. Unfortunately these bursts come at odd times and never in the "heat of battle" when I could most benefit. Today as I was driving to work, I was mentally replaying the statements my husband has made to me with regard to this divorce.
"I'm not angry." For some reason, when he first said this to me, I felt a sort of relief. I had been tip toeing around him for the last dozen years or so, knowing full well that he had never forgiven me for the whole debt thing and probably never would. Since he has declared that we are divorcing, he no longer pretends that I don't exist. He's been nicer to me and the kids and is practically dancing around the house with renewed life and vitality. In fact, I'm finding his glee over his imminent freedom to be quite insulting. Really, what am I? An albatross that he has decided to shed thinking that he can start his life anew? Has it been so horrible to have a wife who put all his needs and desires above her own? Who when a choice had to be made, allowed him to cast the deciding vote every time? Who got into the damned debt because he didn't want to face facts or be bothered with the details of how to keep a household running, food on the table and four kids clothed on a single income that didn't stretch quite far enough?
Then I thought, "Why, how benevolent of him to let me off the hook....to no longer be angry with me for something that could have been discussed and worked out before it got so out of hand." And besides, it's a lie. He's just as angry with me now as he ever was.
"I'm a fair person and I'll be fair with the settlement." Yes, he IS a fair person and always has been. With everyone other than his wife and kids. He will go out of his way to help others, but for some reason he feels he needs to "teach" us lessons. For example, he drives my daughter to work one day out of the week because she starts too early to catch the bus on that day. My daughter is always ready and waiting for him but he is always running slightly late. Her restaurant is directly on his route to work. She could literally jump out at the traffic light and he wouldn't even need to pull into the parking lot. And one day, that's exactly what he asked her to do and then admonished her for the fact that because he had to stop for literally thirty seconds to drop her off, he was going to get stuck by the train down the road--even though she had been waiting on the porch for HIM to be ready for ten minutes. According to him, she needed to have more consideration of his time.
But I digress....."fair". I had a couple of thoughts on this topic. First of all, what IS fair? Fair to whom? The fact of the matter is that life is not fair. We tell our kids that all the time, yet when we're on the receiving end of Fate's capriciousness we're the first to yell, "No Fair!" Secondly, I suddenly realized that his statement that he would be "fair" to me makes the assumption that an inequality exists. He is taking on the mantle of having the greater power to grant me marital property based on his judgement of my worth. At least that's how his statement came through the filters of my perception and experience and translated itself into many, many unpleasant emotions which resulted in my feeling powerless. Since he's going to be "fair" to me in the settlement, I'm supposed to be grateful for whatever he feels is due me. And truthfully, that's exactly how I've taught him to treat me. It's sobering to realize how much we communicate to others nonverbally and subconsciously and how those cues dictate how we're treated.
My first therapist used to tell me that we "teach people how to treat us." I could NOT grasp that concept because he left out the part about how it happens on an unconscious level. Now I understand and it terrifies me because I go through life naively assuming that the old adage to "treat people the way you'd like to be treated" actually works. I constantly catch myself assuming that everyone thinks more or less the same way I do or has the same information--even knowing that they don't. How do you learn to change something you don't even realize you're doing? Especially when it's at the heart of who and what you are--or THINK you are--because you've been taught these patterns since birth?
I need for a little bell to ring or a gentle kick in the butt every time I'm about to let someone take advantage of me or allow something that isn't in my best interest because I just don't see it coming. In fact, often I don't even realize it until somebody else points it out. I'm just very easy-going by nature and the fact that I let a lot of stuff just roll off is probably why I've survived this long. Unfortunately, I'm finding that being a b*tch is a lot more productive.
Anyone got any tips of learning to be a b*tch? LOL Is it possible that I was born without that particular gene?
"I'm not angry." For some reason, when he first said this to me, I felt a sort of relief. I had been tip toeing around him for the last dozen years or so, knowing full well that he had never forgiven me for the whole debt thing and probably never would. Since he has declared that we are divorcing, he no longer pretends that I don't exist. He's been nicer to me and the kids and is practically dancing around the house with renewed life and vitality. In fact, I'm finding his glee over his imminent freedom to be quite insulting. Really, what am I? An albatross that he has decided to shed thinking that he can start his life anew? Has it been so horrible to have a wife who put all his needs and desires above her own? Who when a choice had to be made, allowed him to cast the deciding vote every time? Who got into the damned debt because he didn't want to face facts or be bothered with the details of how to keep a household running, food on the table and four kids clothed on a single income that didn't stretch quite far enough?
Then I thought, "Why, how benevolent of him to let me off the hook....to no longer be angry with me for something that could have been discussed and worked out before it got so out of hand." And besides, it's a lie. He's just as angry with me now as he ever was.
"I'm a fair person and I'll be fair with the settlement." Yes, he IS a fair person and always has been. With everyone other than his wife and kids. He will go out of his way to help others, but for some reason he feels he needs to "teach" us lessons. For example, he drives my daughter to work one day out of the week because she starts too early to catch the bus on that day. My daughter is always ready and waiting for him but he is always running slightly late. Her restaurant is directly on his route to work. She could literally jump out at the traffic light and he wouldn't even need to pull into the parking lot. And one day, that's exactly what he asked her to do and then admonished her for the fact that because he had to stop for literally thirty seconds to drop her off, he was going to get stuck by the train down the road--even though she had been waiting on the porch for HIM to be ready for ten minutes. According to him, she needed to have more consideration of his time.
But I digress....."fair". I had a couple of thoughts on this topic. First of all, what IS fair? Fair to whom? The fact of the matter is that life is not fair. We tell our kids that all the time, yet when we're on the receiving end of Fate's capriciousness we're the first to yell, "No Fair!" Secondly, I suddenly realized that his statement that he would be "fair" to me makes the assumption that an inequality exists. He is taking on the mantle of having the greater power to grant me marital property based on his judgement of my worth. At least that's how his statement came through the filters of my perception and experience and translated itself into many, many unpleasant emotions which resulted in my feeling powerless. Since he's going to be "fair" to me in the settlement, I'm supposed to be grateful for whatever he feels is due me. And truthfully, that's exactly how I've taught him to treat me. It's sobering to realize how much we communicate to others nonverbally and subconsciously and how those cues dictate how we're treated.
My first therapist used to tell me that we "teach people how to treat us." I could NOT grasp that concept because he left out the part about how it happens on an unconscious level. Now I understand and it terrifies me because I go through life naively assuming that the old adage to "treat people the way you'd like to be treated" actually works. I constantly catch myself assuming that everyone thinks more or less the same way I do or has the same information--even knowing that they don't. How do you learn to change something you don't even realize you're doing? Especially when it's at the heart of who and what you are--or THINK you are--because you've been taught these patterns since birth?
I need for a little bell to ring or a gentle kick in the butt every time I'm about to let someone take advantage of me or allow something that isn't in my best interest because I just don't see it coming. In fact, often I don't even realize it until somebody else points it out. I'm just very easy-going by nature and the fact that I let a lot of stuff just roll off is probably why I've survived this long. Unfortunately, I'm finding that being a b*tch is a lot more productive.
Anyone got any tips of learning to be a b*tch? LOL Is it possible that I was born without that particular gene?
Replies
I am often taken back that the word b*tch has such a negative connotation. By definition \"bitch\" is the term for a female dog of breeding age. She is old enough to bear young, care for them, teach them and defend them against all sort of threats. What\'s so wrong with that? But so much for the slang. I\'ve never thought of myself as being a b*tch or even b*tchy, even though I would rather be considered a b*tch than to be known as a pushover!
Standing up for yourself takes a little practice, but once you learn to LISTEN to things that are being said to you in a different way (less naive) you will learn to respond in a different (more cautious) way. For instance, years ago if someone would call and say \"Can you do me a favor?\" I would automatically say \"Sure.\" Somewhere along the way, I learned NOT to answer anything UNTIL I knew what I was getting myself into. So now, when someone calls to ask a favor, I say \"I don\'t know. You have to tell me what this favor entails before I can commit one way or another.\" Easy. Doesn\'t take a personality transformation -- just taking a deep breath and asking some important questions BEFORE jumping in.