Life is to be tolerated only..
I have never liked (let alone love) myself. My self-image has always been critical; it's ranged from indifference (at best) to extreme hate (where I am now). I just don't have a concept of how to except or like myself. I've always seen myself thru other people's eyes, which I realize can be a very dangerous perspective. Negativity has always been the core relfection when I searched deep within and I'm not sure where it originated; I just know it's been a life-long reflection. Changing the perspective of something you've always seen is inconceivable not to mention my perspective seems to be limited to two dimensional. Only I can adjust my vision but I have no concept of how. Does anyone know of a good opthamologist or can I have (or borrow) some 3-D glasses? I guess I'll just tolerate this condition until I no longer can.
I feel like I've been placed, alone, in a tireless marathon full of obstacles. Life itself presents obstacles but there are artificial complications self-created. My mind creates illusions of constant self-doubt constantly telling me how tired & weak I am; I can not seem to over-ride or reset it's hard drive - it seems to be hardwired; it's as if it came pre-programmed with this deadly virus to self-destruct...it's as if my mind has a mind of it's own...I constantly here the ticking and am spending my entire life trying to crack this 'code' before the bomb goes off...
We're all in a marathon that has no time or distance limitations. Everyday I grow more fatigued...this landscape doesn't change...I get more frustrated & confused about why I'm here; what am I running to or running from. I contemplate throwing in the towel...the are no reststops or benches along this course. For now I'll just keep going until I no longer can; then I'll just remove myself from the race whether it's God's will or not...
I feel like I've been placed, alone, in a tireless marathon full of obstacles. Life itself presents obstacles but there are artificial complications self-created. My mind creates illusions of constant self-doubt constantly telling me how tired & weak I am; I can not seem to over-ride or reset it's hard drive - it seems to be hardwired; it's as if it came pre-programmed with this deadly virus to self-destruct...it's as if my mind has a mind of it's own...I constantly here the ticking and am spending my entire life trying to crack this 'code' before the bomb goes off...
We're all in a marathon that has no time or distance limitations. Everyday I grow more fatigued...this landscape doesn't change...I get more frustrated & confused about why I'm here; what am I running to or running from. I contemplate throwing in the towel...the are no reststops or benches along this course. For now I'll just keep going until I no longer can; then I'll just remove myself from the race whether it's God's will or not...
Replies
This is your depression talking. I think you need to speak with your psychiatrist about your medication. I don\'t know what meds you are on but they\'re clearly not helping you. Perhaps you should have testing, there are complex written tests that allow doctors to diagnose what you are suffering from. Often, a differential diagnosis is required: this means you might have symptoms of more than one disorder. The results of these tests tell the doctors which medications will most likely help you. It\'s sometimes a hit and miss proposition: you try one drug, might not do it; you try another, etc. A mood stabilizer will probably help, as well. And then you learn to monitor your thoughts so you can report any drastic changes at which time medication will be adjusted.
There\'s no reason to walk around like this. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help you to control and eliminate these negative thoughts. Since you mention God at the end...well, that answers your feelings of such low self worth. Remember the parable of the shepherd who left his flock to find a lamb that had wandered off...each one of us has great value to God and we each have a journey unique to us. Why that is we can\'t know, what that is we can sometimes come to understand (at least partially), but you\'re here for a purpose. This doesn\'t involve building towers, making millions, publishing books, being a celebrity...it has nothing to do with the things the world thinks of as \"success\". It is between you and God. A person can fulfill his/her reason for being just by praying for others, even house bound or paralyzed. Life isn\'t about the external things, it is about our relationship with God. He made you, you are unique, you have great value and are loved. I think you might consider turning to Him, just give it all to Him and see what happens.
When I was first told after emergency surgery that I had advanced stage three colon cancer - well, I was not able to accept that diagnosis and it took all during the following ten months, including six of chemotherapy that was brutal, for me to fully achieve acceptance and all along during this time the doctors were preparing me for the very real possibility I would not survive. My emergency surgery was in 2002 and during my final week of chemotherapy my husband died leaving me to face severe disability on top of advanced stage cancer alone. I was too naive back then to understand the enormity of the crisis I was now entering into. Looking back, I\'m glad I was clueless and filled with false beliefs in what later was to be proven to me to not be true. I now suffer from severe PTSD and am still in a state of crisis - but I am adapting and no longer am able to feel the intense level of pain as has been for so many years. I have achieved \'acceptance\' and am now \'adapting\' to my reality. It is amazing to me how much energy finding acceptance has allowed me to discovery to live once again. I may not survive this crisis because I am now often ill in bed from coping alone but it is no longer a major issue to me and now I simply live to the best of my ability. I have learned to let go of so much and simply be in the moment. This allows me to experience moments of joy and happiness here and there when I am not able to truly understand how it is even possible to have any joy or happiness at all in such crisis. I think it is simply because I now take life moment by moment and dont consider much beyond that. No longer do have grand goals in the grand scheme of life as I did before cancer, death and disability was mine to survive. I now experience life on a moment by moment basis without any expectations outside of what I can sense as being a part of my reality that part I have influence on and can do something about to make my life better over time.
Be very gentle with yourself. I now only live to recognize/acknowledge what is good in life and embrace it fully the rest I simply tolerate when I can do nothing to change the situation for the better. It is a letting go and an acceptance which allows me to experience happiness and joy.
We were meant to be here because we ARE HERE. That is proof of our validity. Other people have issues with that I now let them own their own issues and I fully embrace mine. Acceptance at last!!!
I now do what I can knowing that has to be good enough - this has done much to allow me to discover a better balance in life. \"It\'s life\'s illusions I recall -- I really don\'t know life, at all.\"
Gentle ((hugs)) shared for life to soon improve.
Pouring all of my pain, heartache and life experiences into my journal is allowing me the ability to survive - moment by moment.
:-) Patricia
Dear Mal. I hear you are being honest. I have spent most of my life with problems too. I believe there is a smaller part of me that can grow and although I cannot recall those \"wasted\" years I will learn to embrace this life with such extreme ranges of conditions.
I hope this year brings new relief and hope. I hope that one day I hear the other Mal write. The Mal with hope who wishes to live and heal and give in this life.
I\'m currently in a rut in my life where I just don\'t feel a connection to this world, to life...breaking down my anger & frustration I\'ve found fear as the common denominator. It\'s not that I don\'t have an unwillingness to confront my issues, I just don\'t know how. I\'ve spent more time self reflecting over the past year than I have cumulatively and all I have are a growing list of questions...
I hope you have faith and perserverance to see this through.
It is these sort of recurring stuck problems which can be the most difficult and wearying -- Not sure if this will help but I have tacked up on my office wall with a picture of a beautiful sunset (or sunrise) glorious golden, yellow deep dark orange:
Many strokes, though with a little axe, hew down and fell the hardest timber oak - William Shakespear
Now obviously you could consider this negatively - in that many small stroke from life make fall the strong person but I like to think of chiseling away at a big problem until it falls hard and fast.
About a year ago i was in a similar place started dbt trainning dialitacal behavior trainning and its made a huge difference thought i would share