Life is so different..

A year ago I would have never imagined my life would be where it is now. And if I went through everything I did last summer again, I honestly don't think I could do it. I have come such a long way since then. It really feels like years have gone by. I may be a little stronger now then I was a year ago, but my life is so empty and I'm finding that I am constantly looking for a reason to be here. I lost someone who meant the world to me and still does, always will. In a heart beat I would have given my life for them. Instead of losing sleep, now days I sleep all the time just to get me through the days. There's no reason to really get out of bed anymore. Sure, I can move forward. But I will always carry this hurt that runs so deep. So I can't help but wonder what kind of life I will really lead. I wish there was a doctor for broken hearts, and no, not the therapist kind. A year ago I hurt so much. I was terribly depressed and scared of everything in a way. Now I've learned of a different pain. It feels so, so, so much different. I'm not really scared anymore. The joy for things I enjoy has almost dissappeared. I think I'm on autopilot. I just hurt. That's all it is. A constant pain that hurts beyond any explanation. I find myself falling to my knees and not saying anything because the heartache is so much. But God hears me. Even in my silence. Life's different. It's very different.