Life is Shit
My husband's cousin is putting on a music festival in Boulder City, NV. It's called Life is Shit. (In response to the Life is Beautiful festival being put on in Vegas.)
Yup. That's my new motto.
I've been feeling really irritated with DH for the last few weeks. I couldn't really figure out why.
He decided to sell some stock shortly after we got the BFP. He said he'd spend some on his truck and I'd have some to buy baby stuff. Well, the money came the day after I miscarried. He subsequently went on a major spending spree and spent it all. I was so out of it that I didn't realize it until about 3 weeks later.
I was trying to just let it go. I mean, it wasn't out of our paychecks. It was extra money from a signing bonus from 3 years ago. But I just felt angry and irritated with him all the time. Deep down, I knew it wasn't really about that but I couldn't articulate why I was upset.
Last Thursday, he got a delivery of a new tablet and I blew up. I started yelling at him about spending so much money. He started getting mad, telling me it wasn't part of our budgeted income so what was the big deal. Before I even thought about it, I said that he had promised me some money to buy baby stuff, then as soon as there wasn't a baby, he spent it all. Like he hadn't even ever cared. I completely broke down crying. It was the first time I'd realized that was why I was upset.
I told him that I knew he didn't want a baby as much as me, and I understood it, since he has kids already. But that it's still hard. And it's not so much that I want a baby - it's that I want a baby with him. He's had that experience of creating life and having a child with other women and not me. They've shared something with him that I haven't and I'm scared I never will.
At that point, his anger melted and he just held me while I cried. He said he knows it's hard, but I can get pregnant. It's hard because right now I just have to wait. But it will happen. I sobbed that I know but we were so close and now we're back to waiting, trying and hoping. We were so close and I was so happy. And now everywhere I go there are pregnant women and babies and it just makes me so sad.
He just held me and told me he loves me.
It was so nice to get that out. I didn't even know what was wrong...just that I felt like I was suffocating. I felt better for a couple of days.
Then AF started on Saturday. I know it's good. It was exactly on time from when I ovulated. So that means my body got right back on track. That's a good thing. And it means I'm one step closer to a baby.
But I swear it's like wartime flashbacks. Every time I go to the bathroom, I get that same exact feeling I had when I had to watch my baby bleed out of me over the course of a week.
Saw a quote yesterday that I'm trying to keep in the front of my mind. "Sometimes all you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best."
Maybe the shit that is life right now will fertilize the ground for some beautiful flowers.
Just breathe and believe.
Yup. That's my new motto.
I've been feeling really irritated with DH for the last few weeks. I couldn't really figure out why.
He decided to sell some stock shortly after we got the BFP. He said he'd spend some on his truck and I'd have some to buy baby stuff. Well, the money came the day after I miscarried. He subsequently went on a major spending spree and spent it all. I was so out of it that I didn't realize it until about 3 weeks later.
I was trying to just let it go. I mean, it wasn't out of our paychecks. It was extra money from a signing bonus from 3 years ago. But I just felt angry and irritated with him all the time. Deep down, I knew it wasn't really about that but I couldn't articulate why I was upset.
Last Thursday, he got a delivery of a new tablet and I blew up. I started yelling at him about spending so much money. He started getting mad, telling me it wasn't part of our budgeted income so what was the big deal. Before I even thought about it, I said that he had promised me some money to buy baby stuff, then as soon as there wasn't a baby, he spent it all. Like he hadn't even ever cared. I completely broke down crying. It was the first time I'd realized that was why I was upset.
I told him that I knew he didn't want a baby as much as me, and I understood it, since he has kids already. But that it's still hard. And it's not so much that I want a baby - it's that I want a baby with him. He's had that experience of creating life and having a child with other women and not me. They've shared something with him that I haven't and I'm scared I never will.
At that point, his anger melted and he just held me while I cried. He said he knows it's hard, but I can get pregnant. It's hard because right now I just have to wait. But it will happen. I sobbed that I know but we were so close and now we're back to waiting, trying and hoping. We were so close and I was so happy. And now everywhere I go there are pregnant women and babies and it just makes me so sad.
He just held me and told me he loves me.
It was so nice to get that out. I didn't even know what was wrong...just that I felt like I was suffocating. I felt better for a couple of days.
Then AF started on Saturday. I know it's good. It was exactly on time from when I ovulated. So that means my body got right back on track. That's a good thing. And it means I'm one step closer to a baby.
But I swear it's like wartime flashbacks. Every time I go to the bathroom, I get that same exact feeling I had when I had to watch my baby bleed out of me over the course of a week.
Saw a quote yesterday that I'm trying to keep in the front of my mind. "Sometimes all you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best."
Maybe the shit that is life right now will fertilize the ground for some beautiful flowers.
Just breathe and believe.
Replies
My heart goes out to you and your hubby for the pain that you are working through right now. Its hard to face all the triggers but its good that you were able to be honest with your hubby and just as important that he heard you and comforted you.
Praying you find peace as you work through the grief.
HUGS
I\'m sorry you\'re in so much pain. Hugs, friend.
I love that saying (Sometimes all you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best) and am going to adopt it as my new motto. I totally get the wartime flashbacks, they suck so much. Glad your cycle is back on track and hoping you can look to the future a bit more positively!