LIFE IS GREAT!

 Hello all.....I'm back again to journal & update.  I'm back in school & now studying Travel & Tourism full time for the next 2 years. I absolutely love it & at times, wish I had made this decision much earlier. I know though, that the timing was not right & there were many life experiences I needed to go through before I would be ready & right for this period of my life. I can not recall a time in my life when I have ever felt so incredibly happy on a personal or professional level. Besides feeling that I have finally found my calling career wise, just this past week, I feel I have had the most amazing personal breakthrough. I feel, again, for the first time in my life, that I truly know who I am & what it is I need out of a relationship to be happy. The term "self actualization" makes complete sense to me now. I'll explain a bit what this breakthrough consists of but I ask that anyone who may read this, keep an open mind & not immediately judge what I'm about to say. I have been registered with an on line dating site for several months now & will, alot of times, just be signed in while doing other things. This is what I was doing one day last week while putting on my makeup & getting ready to go out for the day. A man IM'd me & generally, I will chat with everyone before deciding whether I feel we are compatable. After we began chatting, I had looked up his profile & seen that under "interests" he had listed "BDSM". Me being me, my defences went up before the topic was even approached. When he finally did approach the topic, in a very gentle way I might add, I had my guns drawn & was ready for a showdown. I have always considered myself very strong & somewhat dominant as a female. There was no possible way that I would ever allow anyone "control" over me.  He asked me if I knew anything about the "lifestyle" & I replied that I had spoken with another man a few months before & had been intirgued, read a little about it on the web but that the other guy had disappeared so it had been forgotten. My admission of intrigue spurred him on to question me further. I had already decided at this point that there was no interest or possibility with him so why not have the conversation & possibly learn more. I am a curious person regarding different cultures, religions, & lifestyles so I enjoy out of the ordinary conversation. And this one presented the chance for a little bit of healthy debate. He proceeded to ask me questions regarding my self perception, past relationships, what I look for or am searching for in a potential mate. He asked my what type of personality I believe I have. I did not hold back, & answered his questions quite honestly. He then asked the one I had been ready & waiting for. "DO you believe you are a submissive personality?"   HELL, NO! My guns were now cocked & ready to fire! ;) He continued through asking why I felt this way & I explained my stubborness, my assertiveness & my personal demand for equality. He asked me several more questions of which cannot remember the bulk of them but, one that I do remember is, "Do you crave the security of being taken care of?" My first instinct was to answer the way I had always been taught & therefore, thought.....no.  I was taught that I needed noone to "take care" of me. I was taught & learned through experience, to depend on noone but myself. I'm a big girl &  dont need that. But just before I began typing that response, I considered carefully whether I found that appealing at all....I had to admit that security had always been one aspect I ad lacked in a relationship & the concept of being taken care of felt  very comfortable to me. I then answered his question honestly based on that little self admission. He continued asking what do  I feel that I contribute to a relationship & I responded that I am a care taker & a giver. My ways of showing love is to do things for them that they are capable of doing for themselves. He asked if I felt that I received back as much as I put into my relationships. I had to reply honestly that no, I have always felt taken for granted & at times very unappreciated. He adked if I resented my mates because of this & of course I did & still do with my current ex (no....still haven't found forgiveness).   Basically, to make a very long story short, Ithrough my conversation with this man, I ultimately came to realize that even though I am self assured, confident & finally have my esteem back in tact, I am a submissive personality. It was as if someone turned a light on in my life &  can now see so clearly what it is that I want & need in a relationship.  Now before anyone gets defensive & starts questioning me....I do not believe in the complete obeyance, sexual humiliation, pain, & degredation that this man was hoping for. That is not for me. But Ihave realized is that  need & want a man who is equally self confident & assured as I am that has the capability to step it up & be in control....control with plenty of communication, love & respect. The man I had spoken to a few months before had been more on that side of the fence which is why I had even researched at all. I politely told this one that I was not into nor willing to participate in the type of lifestlye he wanted & he was respectful & we said our farewells. I have thought about nothing since & I have to say, that so many things in my life make perfect sense now. Both of my long term relationships failed because I had believed them to be very strong men which is what I'm attracted to. Both of them had fallen short & as a result, both ended in disaster. I do realize that not everyone will agree with my discovery & I accept that but I honestly believe that I am onto something here. While driving to school the other morning, I was thinking how long it had taken me to realize this of myself & wondered how many people both male & female, are experiencing the same things as me without knowing it. It made me sad that some can go through their entire lives without having that one major "ah hah!" moment as I have.  I truly believe that both males & females fit into either a dominant role or a submissive role but we have no clue due to past mistakes & being wounded by others and because of what advancments  in the name of sexual equality . I see now that it is because of things that occured in my childhood,  both my relationships failing that over the years, I have built up a very tall wall of protection &  "toughness" that I have hidden behind. Admitting to myself & outloud to this man that I'm not who I have consistently presented myself as was the first little chip or crack in that wall. I know that I will never be the type to refer to my mate as "Master" but I feel that I do need a dominant, alpha male in my life.  For some men, they may need to be in a submissive role but because of social expectations, they remain clouded in confusion & remain in relationships that the expectations may be unrealistic for them. I believe this was the case for both my past mates. I also wonder, how many people feel unfulfilled & continue searching but continuously attract the wrong person because they dont know themselves yet. I now have a much clearer vision & understanding of the type of man I want & need & will be very careful this time around to find it. I hope that rather than offend anyone, my discovery will inspire anyone who reads this to truly evaluate honestly what role they may fit into. Trust me....for me to admit that I am submissive was very difficult to do as I felt that I was exposing my vulnerabilities. In actuality, I now feel it is the opposite as I feel completely liberated & happier than I've ever been in my life.