Life Is A Struggle
Saturday, May 29, 2010 - 8:25 PM
I'm struggling.
During the past several weeks, things have not been going very well for me. I am not going to write a book length entry here in order to explain everything that's been going on. Suffice it to say that things just could be better.
I am not happy with my life, and there are times when I almost wish that I could bring it to an end. Although I have felt that way in the past, I do not believe I have felt that way in recent times.
My mood has been fluctuating between good and bad. There are days when I actually feel relatively happy. Then there are the days when I would practically like to slit my throat with a sharp knife.
There have been a lot of days when my mood has been depressed a lot. I place the blame firmly on my shoulders. For the past two or three months, I have not taken my antidepressants as they have been prescribed. In fact, I have not been taking them at all. It got to the point where I no longer felt as if they were doing me any good, so I asked myself what the point was in taking them to begin with.
I told Dale, my mental health therapist, that I had stopped taking them, along with why I had made that decision. He said he did not think it would hurt me as long as I felt they were not doing me any good, and that perhaps if I laid off of them for a while, that once I started taking them again I might actually feel more of a positive effect. Based on that reasoning, I suspect that it is time for me to begin taking the medication once again.
The difficulties I have been having due to the pain in my back, as well as in other parts of my body, continue to abound. The alternating air mattress that I got to use on my bed has not been functioning properly. I have seen my doctor and discussed this with him. He has prescribed a new mattress, and said that his nurses would take care of ordering it for me. That was more than two weeks ago. I have not yet gotten a new mattress, and I am getting impatient with the amount of time I have had to wait on it.
As if I have not been having enough problems already, two new ones have arisen. First, my Apple iPod touch has been stolen. I am certain that it was taken by one of the two new CNA's working for me. One of them was fired last week, but I am not exactly sure why that was the case. Someone from the home healthcare agency came to see me a few days ago, and said that the company was going to replace the iPod. I hope that they get me a new one, rather than a used one, and I'm beginning to have some serious doubts about that.
The second new problem that I have had is that the TV I use in my bedroom has quit working. The main reason I have a TV in the bedroom to begin with is because the CNA's put me to bed too early for my likes, and I need to have a television that I can watch for another hour or two before going to sleep.
Although I have the money to buy a new TV, I am having a lot of problems deciding which kind to get. I have been unable to make a decision as to the brand and size that would be best for me. I have read about various TVs on the Internet, but the documentation says too much or not enough. Most descriptions give both pros and cons for each TV advertised.
In addition to that, I have to worry about how to get it from the store to my home. Some stores will deliver, while others will not. I am also beginning to think that it will be impossible for me to find one over the Internet, and I may actually have to go shopping in one or more stores in the area. Even if I do the latter, that still brings up the question of how to get it back to my apartment. All of this is causing me nothing but headaches.
I have spoken with my sister about this, but although she seems to mean well, she is causing me nothing but additional headaches. I originally told her that I wanted to get a new TV within the coming week, but for some unknown reason she thought I said that I was in absolutely no hurry to get another TV. Now she is angry with me because of what she calls my "inability" to make a simple decision about getting a TV.
Since this is Memorial Day weekend, and because my sister's son and his family, as well as her daughter's son-in-law and two granddaughters are out of town on vacations, I invited my sister and her daughter to come have dinner with me tomorrow evening. I have never done this before, but thought this might be the perfect time to do it. When I asked my sister about this, and after she spoke with her daughter, she said they would be glad to come here late tomorrow afternoon. That was fine until she asked if my invitation included her "friend." It did not, but I knew if I told her that, she would probably blow a gasket. So, of course I said that he was also invited. Now, I am the one who is no longer happy about our dinner plans.
I could go on, and rant and rave about my discontent with my life, but I'm not in the mood to do even that. I am not happy with my life and see no purpose in it. There are times when I do not feel needed, or even wanted, by anyone in my family. I do not know how much longer I can go on living like this.
I'm struggling.
During the past several weeks, things have not been going very well for me. I am not going to write a book length entry here in order to explain everything that's been going on. Suffice it to say that things just could be better.
I am not happy with my life, and there are times when I almost wish that I could bring it to an end. Although I have felt that way in the past, I do not believe I have felt that way in recent times.
My mood has been fluctuating between good and bad. There are days when I actually feel relatively happy. Then there are the days when I would practically like to slit my throat with a sharp knife.
There have been a lot of days when my mood has been depressed a lot. I place the blame firmly on my shoulders. For the past two or three months, I have not taken my antidepressants as they have been prescribed. In fact, I have not been taking them at all. It got to the point where I no longer felt as if they were doing me any good, so I asked myself what the point was in taking them to begin with.
I told Dale, my mental health therapist, that I had stopped taking them, along with why I had made that decision. He said he did not think it would hurt me as long as I felt they were not doing me any good, and that perhaps if I laid off of them for a while, that once I started taking them again I might actually feel more of a positive effect. Based on that reasoning, I suspect that it is time for me to begin taking the medication once again.
The difficulties I have been having due to the pain in my back, as well as in other parts of my body, continue to abound. The alternating air mattress that I got to use on my bed has not been functioning properly. I have seen my doctor and discussed this with him. He has prescribed a new mattress, and said that his nurses would take care of ordering it for me. That was more than two weeks ago. I have not yet gotten a new mattress, and I am getting impatient with the amount of time I have had to wait on it.
As if I have not been having enough problems already, two new ones have arisen. First, my Apple iPod touch has been stolen. I am certain that it was taken by one of the two new CNA's working for me. One of them was fired last week, but I am not exactly sure why that was the case. Someone from the home healthcare agency came to see me a few days ago, and said that the company was going to replace the iPod. I hope that they get me a new one, rather than a used one, and I'm beginning to have some serious doubts about that.
The second new problem that I have had is that the TV I use in my bedroom has quit working. The main reason I have a TV in the bedroom to begin with is because the CNA's put me to bed too early for my likes, and I need to have a television that I can watch for another hour or two before going to sleep.
Although I have the money to buy a new TV, I am having a lot of problems deciding which kind to get. I have been unable to make a decision as to the brand and size that would be best for me. I have read about various TVs on the Internet, but the documentation says too much or not enough. Most descriptions give both pros and cons for each TV advertised.
In addition to that, I have to worry about how to get it from the store to my home. Some stores will deliver, while others will not. I am also beginning to think that it will be impossible for me to find one over the Internet, and I may actually have to go shopping in one or more stores in the area. Even if I do the latter, that still brings up the question of how to get it back to my apartment. All of this is causing me nothing but headaches.
I have spoken with my sister about this, but although she seems to mean well, she is causing me nothing but additional headaches. I originally told her that I wanted to get a new TV within the coming week, but for some unknown reason she thought I said that I was in absolutely no hurry to get another TV. Now she is angry with me because of what she calls my "inability" to make a simple decision about getting a TV.
Since this is Memorial Day weekend, and because my sister's son and his family, as well as her daughter's son-in-law and two granddaughters are out of town on vacations, I invited my sister and her daughter to come have dinner with me tomorrow evening. I have never done this before, but thought this might be the perfect time to do it. When I asked my sister about this, and after she spoke with her daughter, she said they would be glad to come here late tomorrow afternoon. That was fine until she asked if my invitation included her "friend." It did not, but I knew if I told her that, she would probably blow a gasket. So, of course I said that he was also invited. Now, I am the one who is no longer happy about our dinner plans.
I could go on, and rant and rave about my discontent with my life, but I'm not in the mood to do even that. I am not happy with my life and see no purpose in it. There are times when I do not feel needed, or even wanted, by anyone in my family. I do not know how much longer I can go on living like this.
Replies
Hi Jim Sorry to hear things are rough for you right now. I often have the same type of things going on as you do. I had to replace my water heater on Friday. Of course the thing dies right before a long weekend. I found the whole thing VERY STRESSFULL. Then my sister and brother in law came over and started to tell me about all the things I should do in the condo and I should call repair people this week before things cost alot of money. I said I\'m not calling anyone right now, Because the water heater busness almost gave me a heart attack from the stress of it all. So they have NO CLUE about how stressed Ican become. Also I sometimes feel as if my parents are the only people who would really care if I lived or died. So now that they are both gone. I sometimes think it wouldn\'t matter much if i passed too. My sister\'s would get on with their lives real quick. So you are not the only one who feels like this.So we will both hang in together. Hugs-Stephanie
Jim. I am so sorry to read of your struggles. I hope and pray you find some relief soon. I\'m thinking about you.
Move here.
How many advocacy groups have you tried? Are there none?
Depression is such a huge cloud that makes coping with everything difficult. I think it was probably wise to stop taking the antidepressants too. Maybe they will be more effective now. I suspect mine don\'t work at all other than to make me feel sick to my stomach.
Jim, I\'d be happy to help with the TV. I can research the best kind and find out if it can be delivered. Just say the word, friend. I have a subscription to Consumer Reports. I\'m assuming a flat screen on the wall would be what you desire?
Order it online, for sure. You also need to hire a handyman to install it, right?
This tv is rated good on consumer reports and it\'s on sale at Best Buy.
http://www.bestbuy.com/site/Panasonic+-+VIERA+/+32%22+Class+/+720p+/+60Hz+/+LCD+HDTV/9745961.p?id=1218166150916&skuId=9745961
I think they also have installation services.
Thanks for all the comments. I promise to write more about them later, but things really went bad yesterday, so now I need to make peace with some people from my home health care agency. If it\'s not one thing, it\'s another. :(
As I get older, I think I may blame my rages on dementia.
It\'d be easy to say \"I don\'t recall. What was it that happened?\"
You have such good friends.
There is a lot of good information listed above.
I must say that Weebs is thee best of the best.
She cracks me up.
Right to the point.
I get like this when problem after problem seems to come my way.
Actually it is happening right now.
I have to remind myself time and time again that this too shall pass.
I have to temper the anxiety with positive thoughts.
No matter what tv you pick, it will be the right one for you.
A store that delivers and installs it would be a good choice.
Remember not to take your serious side too seriously.
I know I do.
Combine that with my inaccurate belief that I can\'t make the right decisions spells stress and anxiety for me.
Do you mind if I ping your sister on the ear ?
Actually, once you ditch the negativity and inaccurate self beliefs, you make perfect decisions. I have seen you do that time and time again.
It would be helpful if your sister could respect where you are right now with this tv situation.
Try an new avenue.
Consider lightening up with the tv choice and having fun.
You could always get one of those mega booming-fits the entire wall kind of sets....just as long as I don\'t live next door !
Fun...remember have fun with it.
It really frosts me that you have questionable people around you from time to time.
Demand a new ipod. Screw the used one.
You want one that is exactly as the stolen one was.
You remind me of me.
If you don\'t want your sister\'s friend to visit at any time, say no.
I always know exactly what I want.
Sometimes I put more importance on what someone else thinks of me and also on their reaction to my decision than what is best for me.
What I do is practice.
I did that this weekend with my son, his father and most importantly with my sister...who describes herself as a professional bitch.
Two practice drills of telling someone what I wanted and one take my life in my own hands by approaching my sister...it felt good to be true to myself.
It felt good not to be afraid of them or their disapproval of me.
It was scary, too, at first.
It does take a lot of courage for me to speak up at times, though.
Each time I do it it does get a little easier.
I am really surprised at Dale\'s reaction to your not taking your antidepressants.
I think you should take them by all means.
When your brain chemistry is unbalanced, as abused people tend to experience, thinking dark thoughts is very easily done.
Sometimes after I get an increase in meds, I am always shocked at how my thought process changes and becomes much more positive.
Focus on the good, Jim. There is a lot of it surrounding you.
You are a great man.
Now...where is your sister\'s ear......? Ping.....