Life Is A Struggle
Saturday, May 29, 2010 - 8:25 PM
I'm struggling.
During the past several weeks, things have not been going very well for me. I am not going to write a book length entry here in order to explain everything that's been going on. Suffice it to say that things just could be better.
I am not happy with my life, and there are times when I almost wish that I could bring it to an end. Although I have felt that way in the past, I do not believe I have felt that way in recent times.
My mood has been fluctuating between good and bad. There are days when I actually feel relatively happy. Then there are the days when I would practically like to slit my throat with a sharp knife.
There have been a lot of days when my mood has been depressed a lot. I place the blame firmly on my shoulders. For the past two or three months, I have not taken my antidepressants as they have been prescribed. In fact, I have not been taking them at all. It got to the point where I no longer felt as if they were doing me any good, so I asked myself what the point was in taking them to begin with.
I told Dale, my mental health therapist, that I had stopped taking them, along with why I had made that decision. He said he did not think it would hurt me as long as I felt they were not doing me any good, and that perhaps if I laid off of them for a while, that once I started taking them again I might actually feel more of a positive effect. Based on that reasoning, I suspect that it is time for me to begin taking the medication once again.
The difficulties I have been having due to the pain in my back, as well as in other parts of my body, continue to abound. The alternating air mattress that I got to use on my bed has not been functioning properly. I have seen my doctor and discussed this with him. He has prescribed a new mattress, and said that his nurses would take care of ordering it for me. That was more than two weeks ago. I have not yet gotten a new mattress, and I am getting impatient with the amount of time I have had to wait on it.
As if I have not been having enough problems already, two new ones have arisen. First, my Apple iPod touch has been stolen. I am certain that it was taken by one of the two new CNA's working for me. One of them was fired last week, but I am not exactly sure why that was the case. Someone from the home healthcare agency came to see me a few days ago, and said that the company was going to replace the iPod. I hope that they get me a new one, rather than a used one, and I'm beginning to have some serious doubts about that.
The second new problem that I have had is that the TV I use in my bedroom has quit working. The main reason I have a TV in the bedroom to begin with is because the CNA's put me to bed too early for my likes, and I need to have a television that I can watch for another hour or two before going to sleep.
Although I have the money to buy a new TV, I am having a lot of problems deciding which kind to get. I have been unable to make a decision as to the brand and size that would be best for me. I have read about various TVs on the Internet, but the documentation says too much or not enough. Most descriptions give both pros and cons for each TV advertised.
In addition to that, I have to worry about how to get it from the store to my home. Some stores will deliver, while others will not. I am also beginning to think that it will be impossible for me to find one over the Internet, and I may actually have to go shopping in one or more stores in the area. Even if I do the latter, that still brings up the question of how to get it back to my apartment. All of this is causing me nothing but headaches.
I have spoken with my sister about this, but although she seems to mean well, she is causing me nothing but additional headaches. I originally told her that I wanted to get a new TV within the coming week, but for some unknown reason she thought I said that I was in absolutely no hurry to get another TV. Now she is angry with me because of what she calls my "inability" to make a simple decision about getting a TV.
Since this is Memorial Day weekend, and because my sister's son and his family, as well as her daughter's son-in-law and two granddaughters are out of town on vacations, I invited my sister and her daughter to come have dinner with me tomorrow evening. I have never done this before, but thought this might be the perfect time to do it. When I asked my sister about this, and after she spoke with her daughter, she said they would be glad to come here late tomorrow afternoon. That was fine until she asked if my invitation included her "friend." It did not, but I knew if I told her that, she would probably blow a gasket. So, of course I said that he was also invited. Now, I am the one who is no longer happy about our dinner plans.
I could go on, and rant and rave about my discontent with my life, but I'm not in the mood to do even that. I am not happy with my life and see no purpose in it. There are times when I do not feel needed, or even wanted, by anyone in my family. I do not know how much longer I can go on living like this.
I'm struggling.
During the past several weeks, things have not been going very well for me. I am not going to write a book length entry here in order to explain everything that's been going on. Suffice it to say that things just could be better.
I am not happy with my life, and there are times when I almost wish that I could bring it to an end. Although I have felt that way in the past, I do not believe I have felt that way in recent times.
My mood has been fluctuating between good and bad. There are days when I actually feel relatively happy. Then there are the days when I would practically like to slit my throat with a sharp knife.
There have been a lot of days when my mood has been depressed a lot. I place the blame firmly on my shoulders. For the past two or three months, I have not taken my antidepressants as they have been prescribed. In fact, I have not been taking them at all. It got to the point where I no longer felt as if they were doing me any good, so I asked myself what the point was in taking them to begin with.
I told Dale, my mental health therapist, that I had stopped taking them, along with why I had made that decision. He said he did not think it would hurt me as long as I felt they were not doing me any good, and that perhaps if I laid off of them for a while, that once I started taking them again I might actually feel more of a positive effect. Based on that reasoning, I suspect that it is time for me to begin taking the medication once again.
The difficulties I have been having due to the pain in my back, as well as in other parts of my body, continue to abound. The alternating air mattress that I got to use on my bed has not been functioning properly. I have seen my doctor and discussed this with him. He has prescribed a new mattress, and said that his nurses would take care of ordering it for me. That was more than two weeks ago. I have not yet gotten a new mattress, and I am getting impatient with the amount of time I have had to wait on it.
As if I have not been having enough problems already, two new ones have arisen. First, my Apple iPod touch has been stolen. I am certain that it was taken by one of the two new CNA's working for me. One of them was fired last week, but I am not exactly sure why that was the case. Someone from the home healthcare agency came to see me a few days ago, and said that the company was going to replace the iPod. I hope that they get me a new one, rather than a used one, and I'm beginning to have some serious doubts about that.
The second new problem that I have had is that the TV I use in my bedroom has quit working. The main reason I have a TV in the bedroom to begin with is because the CNA's put me to bed too early for my likes, and I need to have a television that I can watch for another hour or two before going to sleep.
Although I have the money to buy a new TV, I am having a lot of problems deciding which kind to get. I have been unable to make a decision as to the brand and size that would be best for me. I have read about various TVs on the Internet, but the documentation says too much or not enough. Most descriptions give both pros and cons for each TV advertised.
In addition to that, I have to worry about how to get it from the store to my home. Some stores will deliver, while others will not. I am also beginning to think that it will be impossible for me to find one over the Internet, and I may actually have to go shopping in one or more stores in the area. Even if I do the latter, that still brings up the question of how to get it back to my apartment. All of this is causing me nothing but headaches.
I have spoken with my sister about this, but although she seems to mean well, she is causing me nothing but additional headaches. I originally told her that I wanted to get a new TV within the coming week, but for some unknown reason she thought I said that I was in absolutely no hurry to get another TV. Now she is angry with me because of what she calls my "inability" to make a simple decision about getting a TV.
Since this is Memorial Day weekend, and because my sister's son and his family, as well as her daughter's son-in-law and two granddaughters are out of town on vacations, I invited my sister and her daughter to come have dinner with me tomorrow evening. I have never done this before, but thought this might be the perfect time to do it. When I asked my sister about this, and after she spoke with her daughter, she said they would be glad to come here late tomorrow afternoon. That was fine until she asked if my invitation included her "friend." It did not, but I knew if I told her that, she would probably blow a gasket. So, of course I said that he was also invited. Now, I am the one who is no longer happy about our dinner plans.
I could go on, and rant and rave about my discontent with my life, but I'm not in the mood to do even that. I am not happy with my life and see no purpose in it. There are times when I do not feel needed, or even wanted, by anyone in my family. I do not know how much longer I can go on living like this.
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