Life is a constant test, and one I'm failing spectacularly.

I've never kept a journal before. My thoughts are always such a disorganized mess that its hard to write anything down. My incredibly short memory also comes to play. My doctor says its a symptom of my high stress, the low memory I mean. I can barely remember what I did the day before, even the current day when its winding down for the night. This causes more problems than I can ever describe. 

The worst thing I seem to have forgotten is who I really am anymore. I've lost every semblence of "self" that I can really muster. I can't tell you anything about myself that I find worth sharing. Right now I'm desperately wanting to delete this and just forget I wanted to write, but I promised myself I'd see this through. What I'm wanting to talk about is silly, childish, and overall unimportant in the grand scheme of things but its something important enough to my mind that it tortures me constantly.

A bit of backstory to start this off. I am a 23 Male to Female transgender individual who is nearly a year and a half into her transtition. Its been a long and difficult road, but ultimately rewarding in many ways. Coming out to my mother was the hardest thing I think. She supported me all the way, but I knew deep down she was dissapointed. I lost my mother on April 10th 2017, and that is the day my life stopped moving. My whole life my mother had been chronically ill. The list of ailments is long and difficult to spell, but to put it simply my mother was a medical marvel in the worst ways. My dad left when I was only 5 and this meant my extremely sick mother had to raise me practically alone. When I turned 13 her health dropped rapidly and I became her psuedo caregiver....

I'm going to finish this in another post. I can't write anymore.