Life in the War Zone

Day 2 of Suspension. My son set the table for supper, so he was there on time for supper of course, which he hasn't been for some time. I don't remember what it was that I said to him, but he was getting a bit smart-alecky with me. So I said, "Don't start that rebellion crap." To which he replied, "F--- you!"
So I got up, left the table & went upstairs to change & calm down. Also shot off an email to our pastor (who is very involved with the youth in our church, including my son), asking for help. My daughter, in the meantime, was upset & scared by this & cried in the bathroom for about an hour. (He didn't do anything directly to her, btw.)
Well, after I ate & the dust settled somewhat, I went upstairs to talk to my son (at a distance, with my glasses off). He seemed to have calmed down somewhat. I don't remember all that I said, but I'm sure it was along the lines of "I'm not the enemy." And I remember telling him that even though it's OK to get mad, it's NOT OK to get violent. (Though he has a hard time separating those 2.) I explained how, when I got mad as a teen, I wanted to break everything in my room--but I stopped myself because I didn't want my stuff to be all broken: that was self-control & he needed to start exercising some self-control because he was nearly an adult. I told him I was mad at him & I'd love to just throw him out in the snow (he smiled at that, not in a bad way), but I'm not going to do that because I'm his mom. I also told him about his English teacher calling me & going above & beyond for him, and how his Food Services teacher didn't even want him out of the class (although that is what has to happen). At this point, I asked if we can agree on peace between each other & he said yes & we shook on it. Then we talked a little about more business-like things, like doing the homework that his teachers are & will be sending me. And that went OK.
Downstairs to my daughter...still crying, but calming down somewhat. I got her tissues & her glass of milk (she wasn't hungry for dinner--which was kind of yucky anyway). She didn't want to leave the bathroom yet, so I got her favorite stuffed animal to cuddle. Eventually she did leave & take her shower. She later asked me if she can stay with a friend for a couple weeks, but I said no. (Really, who would take her, except maybe her friend that lives 45 minutes away, then she wouldn't be able to do all the stuff she loves, like her volunteer work.) I assured her I'd keep her safe. Don't think she believed me, but what else can I do?
So...where was DH in all this? Oh, he was right there. (He made supper.) As soon as he finished eating, he squirreled away into the attic as I picked up the pieces. I don't know what it is, but he just can't deal with things when they get like this, or when he does he can't do it calmly (flight or fight?). I don't like it either, but I'm the adult, I'm the parent -- I have to.
As sort of a post-script to this situation: apparently, my daughter saw the guidance counselor today & he referred her to the social worker, who in turn called me. I guess DD told her everything, even things from a couple years ago (which she didn't make clear to the SW, but I did). So I just told the SW the things I've been doing to manage. She was concerned about the situation getting worse & gave me a couple resources that might help DS psychiatrically if needed. (One of the options, though, sounded very close to getting DCFS involved, which disconcerts me for several reasons.) Fortunately, I just got an email back from our pastor, who DS agreed he'd like to talk to, and I told her we were going this route; he is very experienced with youth. But I took the info she gave me, just in case. She also may be talking to DS during the school year, but she said that is mostly school-focused.
So now I feel as if I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, that other shoe belonging to DH. He's gotten increasingly very closed off to outside help. I even remember one time where he told me never to call the police if DS got violent because he didn't want them involved. And I know he does NOT like any social workers, counselors, etc. AT ALL. Especially after the last counselor. For the most part (with the exception of getting DS tested a couple years ago), I've pretty much respected DH's wishes. I don't need to hear him ranting & raving, too. So now that DD's let the cat out of the bag (& I'm not blaming her or wishing she hadn't -- I'm glad she talked to someone because she needed it), chances are increased that there will be "outside interference" and therefore that DH will have a cow. And probably blame one of us (which is stupid, yes, but there it is) & make life miserable in general.
I'm sure it all stems back to his childhood issues; he probably resents being "labeled" & thought everyone in the system was a quack (and back then & in the area he grew up in, that could very well be). But it's not doing anyone any good to throw a blanket dismissal over the whole thing. Again, back to his family, anger, rage, passive-agressiveness were very much the norm growing up, along with the denial that it's a "big deal". I have no idea why he feels this way. My family was sooo dysfunctional as well, but I know that they're not normal & that yes, it is a big deal.
Well, that's all my thoughts for today. Hopefully my son's talk with the pastor will start him on a road to getting the help he needs (GOD, CAN YOU HEAR ME???!!!).