Life in General
I have been reviewing the status of my life recently... I find it saddening to see my evolution... The woman I take care of is wealthy and had been very successful in her day, and she shows it with every breath she takes...
Once, I was that successful woman... Then my mind blew apart, and I went on disability for PTSD... I grieved and grieved the ability to continue in my career... I felt worthless and empty inside... I never realized how much my self-esteem was tied into my work...
As time has gone by, I have invested myself in volunteer work, but do not have the ability to hold a 40 hour a week job... I spend two days with my lady and that is as far as it goes regarding working...
Interestingly enough, I shared my disability status with someone last night... I told them how much I make from the government, and told them I make 1.50 per hour at my job... They were aghast and couldn't believe it... There are times I can't believe it either...
While I know I have been doing very good things: working on the fundraiser, volunteering for the Red Cross, and taking care of my lady, I am far from being the person I used to be...
I have gone from financial freedom to unimagineable debt...
I have gone from Liz Claiborne and Jones New York suits and heels to sweatpants and flip flops...
I have gone from pristine make up and hair to no make up and pinning my hair up when it is wet...
I have gone from a woman of success to a woman who rarely leaves her home unless it is absolutely necessary...
I have gone from dining at marvelous restaraunts to food pantrys...
And worstly, I have gone from independence to depending upon others which is very difficult for me...
It is difficult work with my lady at times as she reminds me of who I was, not who I am now... When we go shopping, I remember what it was like to be able to do so at will... When I see beautiful dresses and suits, I remember having worn them...
When Miss Hilda pays off all of her debt each month, I remember I am swarmed with bills... If I did not have this job, I would have no food to eat...
I saw a house today I have loved for so long... It is for sale... I remember a time when I was on the fast track and the possibility of owning a home like that was real...
I do not know what I will do when my parents choose to move and sell the main house... I fear that day with each moment's passing, for I cannot afford to live in a home which is more expensive than I pay now...
There are so many times I say I want my life back... And the thought of continuing this existence is virtually intolerable...
So I ask myself, who have I become? What have I become?
I do not believe I want to know the answers to those questions... The reality is too painful to behold...
Once, I was that successful woman... Then my mind blew apart, and I went on disability for PTSD... I grieved and grieved the ability to continue in my career... I felt worthless and empty inside... I never realized how much my self-esteem was tied into my work...
As time has gone by, I have invested myself in volunteer work, but do not have the ability to hold a 40 hour a week job... I spend two days with my lady and that is as far as it goes regarding working...
Interestingly enough, I shared my disability status with someone last night... I told them how much I make from the government, and told them I make 1.50 per hour at my job... They were aghast and couldn't believe it... There are times I can't believe it either...
While I know I have been doing very good things: working on the fundraiser, volunteering for the Red Cross, and taking care of my lady, I am far from being the person I used to be...
I have gone from financial freedom to unimagineable debt...
I have gone from Liz Claiborne and Jones New York suits and heels to sweatpants and flip flops...
I have gone from pristine make up and hair to no make up and pinning my hair up when it is wet...
I have gone from a woman of success to a woman who rarely leaves her home unless it is absolutely necessary...
I have gone from dining at marvelous restaraunts to food pantrys...
And worstly, I have gone from independence to depending upon others which is very difficult for me...
It is difficult work with my lady at times as she reminds me of who I was, not who I am now... When we go shopping, I remember what it was like to be able to do so at will... When I see beautiful dresses and suits, I remember having worn them...
When Miss Hilda pays off all of her debt each month, I remember I am swarmed with bills... If I did not have this job, I would have no food to eat...
I saw a house today I have loved for so long... It is for sale... I remember a time when I was on the fast track and the possibility of owning a home like that was real...
I do not know what I will do when my parents choose to move and sell the main house... I fear that day with each moment's passing, for I cannot afford to live in a home which is more expensive than I pay now...
There are so many times I say I want my life back... And the thought of continuing this existence is virtually intolerable...
So I ask myself, who have I become? What have I become?
I do not believe I want to know the answers to those questions... The reality is too painful to behold...
Replies
God closes a door, and opens a window.
For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. Matthew 6:21
The things of this world mean nothing. In one thousand years, none of the \"famous\" people will be remembered. Trump tower will have turned to dust. The wardrobe of expensive clothes will have fed the earth. You have been freed. What the world considers \"success\" is not at all success; in fact, it is tragic failure. I told my daughter often, it isn\'t what you accomplish in the eyes of the world, how many degrees you acquire, what jobs you succeed at, books you write, paintings you sell.....life is what happens between your ears, the connection to God that allows you to attempt to intuit His purpose for your life, and the love you give others. These are the things that count, that are remembered by God and passed one to another, love continued, love breeding love.
My question is, where are you going? Are you in a time of healing? Where you are today is not where you will be forever ...
I imagine, like all things, this shall take time... I have been on disability for seven years now... I know I can\'t work full time, and I enjoy my little job... I just wish I had my life and my independence left from this ordeal...
I understand! I\'m not on disability but I might as well be. I am supported by my husband and feel deep shame and frustration about not being able to work. My reason is that I have been crippled by childhood sexual abuse and now I\'m working on healing it. If you want to share, I am interested in what you\'re healing from - but no pressure if you don\'t feel like it.
I do agree with Daughter of Lourdes that our purpose in life is not about outward accomplishment - but that can be part of it, too, I hope! Eventually ...
I suffer from the same thing... Childhood and adulthood... Terrible experiences... I was approved for disability the first time I applied... I believe it was grace intervening as I just could not do it anymore and prayed and prayed for a reprieve... I got it... I have made much progress over the years, but am still on the tightrope at times... I am certain you know what I mean...
while I was nowhere as successful as you were, I still had hopes, long ago, for a better life. But...I\'m still here, and not too bothered that at month\'s end i\'ll have a whole 20 dollars in the bank.
it really is a minority that forever holds onto what they\'ve accomplished, and even then they might feel bad for thinking they should even be better off than they are.
you\'re able to write here, and even examining your life; even that\'s better than what so many people have, late in life, and some college kids never getting that, from making \"just\" one careless mistake on spring break or at some frat party, or just recently, a bus accident on the way to a college.
i\'ll have 20 dollars in my savings account at months\'s end---though a week ago I could have passed out from toxic gasses in my apt and not woke up again, so me being down to 20 bucks at end of month isn\'t something to faze me...at least for now.