Life goes on
Wow, 7 months ago today my husband moved out. Time and space he said. Bullshit I say. I have been through so much these past 10 months - right after he told me he didn't love me anymore. What an emotional roller coaster ride it's been. How do I feel today - I don't know, kind of meloncholy I guess. Accepting that it's over but still not believing that he did this to me and to our family. I'm doing what I need to do in order to move on. I'm ok without him in my life now - that says a lot. Do I miss him - I don't know. I do know I miss being held in strong and safe arms. I miss talking to someone about the little things. I miss the comfort of knowing that my life is safe and secure. I miss a man in my bed snuggling and making love. I miss oil massages. I miss our laughter together and our playfulness that we had. I miss my comfort zone. I look back and realize that I took so much for granted. I guess it's normal to do that after 23 years together, but I know I would have done things different a long time ago if I knew this was coming. But that famous saying is - "you don't know what you don't know". And I just didn't know. I've been going out a lot lately with my friend Michelle. She is a wild and crazy girl. A lot of fun and always full of life. She draws men to us like flies. I'm not looking for a man right now, but it's nice to get the attention from them. We go to this little hole in the wall bar that packs them in every weekend for Karoake. I've had fun everytime we've gone. I've also been to these "clubs" where I feel like a fish out of water in a meat market. I so do not like that scene. It's just not for me. It makes me sad actually to see all these people looking so desperately for someone to love or just hook up with. A lot of that going on. No thanks. Am I doing OK? I'd have to say yes I'm doing OK. There are things I'm getting used to and some things I even like, but would I choose this, I'd have to say no. I loved being married. I loved my family unit and I really miss that. Right now it's all about going through the motions. Fake it until you make it. I even feel strong enough to spend Christmas Eve with my kids at my inlaws. They have pleaded with me to come with the kids. I know my stbx will be there too and I think I'm ready to be around him without falling apart. I've come a long way in that regard. When they talk about the stages of healing, they don't mention the disgusted stage. That's where I am - so disgusted with him. So disappointed in him as a man and a husband. I just want to look him in the eye and tell him he's a damn fool. But, I won't because it doesn't matter anymore. What he does, what he says and who he's with doesn't matter anymore. What's done is done. At this point, I'm ready to be divorced from him. I'm ready to truly move on with my life with no constraints. I know it will take my heart a long time to heal and it will take my heart even longer to trust but I also know that I will get there. I still have faith in God that He's got something wonderful in store for me. I'll know it when I see it and by then I'll be ready to embrace it. Life goes on - 10 months ago I would have called you a liar if you told me I would be ok today. But I am ok - truly ok.