Life Goes On

I had forgotten this feeling, yet it feels familiar at the same time.  This is the cycle when we start trying again.  I have been there before, but I forgot how all of a sudden the anxiousness and excitement just sweep over you.  I was a total basket case all day today. My appointment wasn't until late in the afternoon, and my OB was going to start the 'habitual aborter' work-up.  I hate that term.  But, maybe I'll get some answers.  I am praying for answers.
When the nurse took my blood pressure, she said it was high.  Normally my blood pressure is excellent but it does rise significantly when I am stressed and anxious.  I know that's all it was.  My OB took some cultures and we discussed some blood work and other tests. I have to fast, so I'll have the blood drawn tomorrow. I should have the answers back before we are TTC in two weeks.  My OB asked if we wanted to have karyotyping done, but I said I wanted to wait for the results of the first tests.  Knowing our genetics scares me completely--but perhaps it is necessary. 
He answered all of my questions and spent some extra time just talking with me.  I am so glad he is my Dr.  I trust him and I like him.  I'm glad he is the one helping me on this journey.  He said he had been down in the cafeteria at lunch and saw a quote from somebody in a magazine that went something like this:  I can sum up all that life is in 3 words:  Life Goes On. That is exactly how I am feeling today.  I miss my baby everyday.  I would have found out the sex by now.  Those 'would have beens' never leave my mind, but I have got to move forward.  It's time for that now.
Before I left, he said he was pulling for me and that he just had to give me a hug.  I have never had a Dr. like that before.  Maybe it would weird some people out, but it made me feel better.  So, in about one more week I'll be starting the Clomid and in two we'll be TTC again.  Maybe we'll get a Christmas miracle?  I can't help but hope, but I know I have to be realistic at the same time. I can't help but be optimistic about things.  I feel it's my only real option.  What will happen will happen, I am doing everything I can.  I can either worry and feel awful or I can focus on the positive and feel optimistic.  It's my choice.  My attitude is the one thing I can control.