Life goes on
Wow, 7 months ago today my husband moved out. Time and space he said. Bullshit I say. I have been through so much these past 10 months - right after he told me he didn't love me anymore. What an emotional roller coaster ride it's been. How do I feel today - I don't know, kind of meloncholy I guess. Accepting that it's over but still not believing that he did this to me and to our family. I'm doing what I need to do in order to move on. I'm ok without him in my life now - that says a lot. Do I miss him - I don't know. I do know I miss being held in strong and safe arms. I miss talking to someone about the little things. I miss the comfort of knowing that my life is safe and secure. I miss a man in my bed snuggling and making love. I miss oil massages. I miss our laughter together and our playfulness that we had. I miss my comfort zone. I look back and realize that I took so much for granted. I guess it's normal to do that after 23 years together, but I know I would have done things different a long time ago if I knew this was coming. But that famous saying is - "you don't know what you don't know". And I just didn't know. I've been going out a lot lately with my friend Michelle. She is a wild and crazy girl. A lot of fun and always full of life. She draws men to us like flies. I'm not looking for a man right now, but it's nice to get the attention from them. We go to this little hole in the wall bar that packs them in every weekend for Karoake. I've had fun everytime we've gone. I've also been to these "clubs" where I feel like a fish out of water in a meat market. I so do not like that scene. It's just not for me. It makes me sad actually to see all these people looking so desperately for someone to love or just hook up with. A lot of that going on. No thanks. Am I doing OK? I'd have to say yes I'm doing OK. There are things I'm getting used to and some things I even like, but would I choose this, I'd have to say no. I loved being married. I loved my family unit and I really miss that. Right now it's all about going through the motions. Fake it until you make it. I even feel strong enough to spend Christmas Eve with my kids at my inlaws. They have pleaded with me to come with the kids. I know my stbx will be there too and I think I'm ready to be around him without falling apart. I've come a long way in that regard. When they talk about the stages of healing, they don't mention the disgusted stage. That's where I am - so disgusted with him. So disappointed in him as a man and a husband. I just want to look him in the eye and tell him he's a damn fool. But, I won't because it doesn't matter anymore. What he does, what he says and who he's with doesn't matter anymore. What's done is done. At this point, I'm ready to be divorced from him. I'm ready to truly move on with my life with no constraints. I know it will take my heart a long time to heal and it will take my heart even longer to trust but I also know that I will get there. I still have faith in God that He's got something wonderful in store for me. I'll know it when I see it and by then I'll be ready to embrace it. Life goes on - 10 months ago I would have called you a liar if you told me I would be ok today. But I am ok - truly ok.
Replies
Wow!! I think you have done wonderful in your 10 months. I am still not at the point that you are. Good for you!!!
You are doing fantastic. I too am so disgusted with him. I think God will have a special place for us to have survived all of this and I hope he has a place for them too.
Beware of the roller coaster. Your mediation will make things hard.
Hugs to you. Sing your heart out at the bar.
It is so good to see you seeing light out the end of the tunnel.I have told you before and will again how you have grown so from your vacation. You are now able to help others(including me). We both separated in May and you have accepted it and able to move on. So happy for such a sweet, lovely, deserving woman. Have a great time with your friend . You are right our lives is not over but just starting on a different path. God bless you!
I love how honest you are in this. It is hard to lose what we thought was forever. Acceptance is a tough grief process to get to but it does work. It\'s just getting past that this isn\'t what your hope was for this time in your life.
As far as your friend comment. Do you feel then, that your time with her is more just to kill time so you\'re not lonely or do you enjoy being out and about? Hugs my friend. We are all trying to make the path that works for us.
What a wonderful journal entry my dear friend. You are getting stronger each day. I totally understand your thoughts, your feelings because they reflect my own.
OMG - what I wouldn\'t give for a friend that attracts men like flies! Lol - my friends are all married and I find the weekends the hardest. Tonight my son and his GF are here - and I\'m enjoying it because everyone has been working and out this week. I went out today - picked up a few things and at the local grocery store - I treated myself to an Azaela tree - I\'m horrible with plants, but it\'s a new goal of mine - to develop my green thumb. It\'s absolutely gorgeous. I finished a scarf I was knitting - started a new one, made banana muffins and tonight - just sitting with the kids watching a hockey game on TV - there\'s times when i don\'t miss him at all - but mostly when I crawl into bed and there\'s no one to snuggle up to and keep warm. Someday my friend, some day.
But kudos for yo - because you are proving how amazing you are.
You\'re such a warm and caring person, I know that this has not been easy for you. I\'m happy to hear that you\'re getting out. You need to do that. It helps you breathe easier. I hope that someday soon, this is all over for you and your family - and that you will find happiness again. Stay strong, Chrissy - we\'re all here listening and praying.
I understand completely!!!! Not only am I trying to heal from divorce but also my codependency. I think I am doing well and I have you and all my DS friends to thank for their constant support!
You are beautiful woman and it is a shame that your husband chooses not to see that anymore. It is a choice. You have been very wise to cut the ties and let him go. Now you are open to receive what is next in your life. I know it will be filled with happiness and love. Hugs Chrissy!
You sound so good, Chrissy...so strong! I know it has been a long painful road and there will be tough times down the road, but you are on your way to healing and finding happiness. I wish I had some single friends to spend some time with and to get out with, but it is an individual path to being ok!
Keep up your strength and know we are here for you!
Love and hugs to you!
Chrissy, I am in awe. You have really come a long way in the healing process. Tomorrow it will be exactly one month and a day since I met you at the Cleveland meetup. I remember very distinctly the pain in you face and your eyes. Like you were so lost you didn\'t know what your next move would be. But, you have stayed the course and continue to do what needs to be done to move on. I found out about my stbx way before you found out about yours and you are light yrs ahead of me. The fact that you will be able to spend time at your in-laws with stbx is remarkable. I can\'t even hear stbx\'s voice or look at his face. I better get moving. My life is just passing me by. Thank you for sharing. Your post gave me a good kick-in-the ass. Hugs to you---Ellen
I\'m impressed at your strength
\"I still have faith in God that He\'s got something wonderful in store for me.\"
There you go, girl -- if you\'ve got faith ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN and it will -- God knows your heart more than anyone else and when you are ready, something WONDERFUL WILL HAPPEN FOR YOU! I admire your resilience! Your journal entry is truly an inspiration for all the other DS members out there who are experiencing the same thing.
Thanks!
I could have written your journal entry. You sound so much like me. It has been 7 mos. since mine moved out. I have had the very same thoughts as you. I wish I had a friend like yours to go out with and \"attract\" men. I am very insecure in that way. I do have friends and go out but not to any type of place like that. I am on a friendly base with my husband (have not filed yet) on the phone. I act like I am as ok with this as he is. I recently spent the day with him and his family although the circumstances were not good. His mother is in hospital. But it just showed me that we can be together without drama and now I know I can also spend christmas eve with all his siblings and their families like usual. We do somehow move on. Even if just going through the motions. I do know I am doing better but I also know I will never ever understand this.