Life Goes On...Who Knew?
It has been 6 weeks and amazingly, life continues. Things are getting better. Most days I can breathe.
After my breakdown with my husband, he has been very tender with me. I think he had been starting to get impatient with my lack of functioning. Maybe he didn't realize how much I was still hurting because I had tried to put on a brave, strong front to the world. So it was probably good that I lost it and let him see how broken I still felt inside.
I want you all to know how much I appreciate the words of encouragement, comfort and love. I know you are all going through so much and fighting your own daily battles. It is so strengthening to know there are others who care and understand.
Disclaimer: Lots of faith and God stuff to follow. You can stop reading if you don't want to hear it. I won't judge you. :)
My faith in God has been shaken and almost broken through this journey of TTC. This spring I reached a breaking point with my faith and came out stronger. I am grateful because my faith has carried me through the last 6 weeks.
We don't go to church regularly, though. It's a minefield of babies. I feel a responsibility to get the stepkids there, to teach them, to nurture their faith. Even though it seems I am the only one interested in doing so. I want my children to know what I know, to have the strength of knowing a loving God, and if these kids are my only children....I want them to have it.
I want to go. But especially since my miscarriage, I just haven't felt that I could stand it. Seeing all of those happy moms, families, babies.
I was determined to go to church yesterday. But the hits started from the moment I got up.
In the shower, my husband innocently commented that my breasts looked smaller. (He's a boob man so he pays attention to those things.) I closed my eyes and said 'yup, I'm not pregnant anymore.' I went in to get dressed and found that a cat had been climbing in the closet and knocked down the baby quilt I had made and the stuffed fox my MIL sent for the baby. We got to church a little late, rushed into a row, only to find myself face to face with a baby in the row just ahead of us. He smiled and I thought I would lose my composure right there. But I held it together for quite a while. After my husband and kids all left to go their classes, I felt that I was on the verge of a meltdown and was about to sneak out and sit outside in my cold car to wait for my family. This woman I've never met came and sat down beside me, introduced herself and started a conversation. She didn't ask any of the questions that usually get IFers emotional. She said all the right things. She had no idea of my internal battle to control my emotions. But she got me through.
So, it was a small victory. And probably one I will fight again next week and the week after. But for today, one small battle won. It gives me hope for the future.
It will continue to get better, easier. And someday I won't have to fight the tears.
After my breakdown with my husband, he has been very tender with me. I think he had been starting to get impatient with my lack of functioning. Maybe he didn't realize how much I was still hurting because I had tried to put on a brave, strong front to the world. So it was probably good that I lost it and let him see how broken I still felt inside.
I want you all to know how much I appreciate the words of encouragement, comfort and love. I know you are all going through so much and fighting your own daily battles. It is so strengthening to know there are others who care and understand.
Disclaimer: Lots of faith and God stuff to follow. You can stop reading if you don't want to hear it. I won't judge you. :)
My faith in God has been shaken and almost broken through this journey of TTC. This spring I reached a breaking point with my faith and came out stronger. I am grateful because my faith has carried me through the last 6 weeks.
We don't go to church regularly, though. It's a minefield of babies. I feel a responsibility to get the stepkids there, to teach them, to nurture their faith. Even though it seems I am the only one interested in doing so. I want my children to know what I know, to have the strength of knowing a loving God, and if these kids are my only children....I want them to have it.
I want to go. But especially since my miscarriage, I just haven't felt that I could stand it. Seeing all of those happy moms, families, babies.
I was determined to go to church yesterday. But the hits started from the moment I got up.
In the shower, my husband innocently commented that my breasts looked smaller. (He's a boob man so he pays attention to those things.) I closed my eyes and said 'yup, I'm not pregnant anymore.' I went in to get dressed and found that a cat had been climbing in the closet and knocked down the baby quilt I had made and the stuffed fox my MIL sent for the baby. We got to church a little late, rushed into a row, only to find myself face to face with a baby in the row just ahead of us. He smiled and I thought I would lose my composure right there. But I held it together for quite a while. After my husband and kids all left to go their classes, I felt that I was on the verge of a meltdown and was about to sneak out and sit outside in my cold car to wait for my family. This woman I've never met came and sat down beside me, introduced herself and started a conversation. She didn't ask any of the questions that usually get IFers emotional. She said all the right things. She had no idea of my internal battle to control my emotions. But she got me through.
So, it was a small victory. And probably one I will fight again next week and the week after. But for today, one small battle won. It gives me hope for the future.
It will continue to get better, easier. And someday I won't have to fight the tears.
Replies
Thank you for sharing. I\'m so glad you had a somewhat better day and was able to grow and strengthen. Day by day it will get easier in some respects. It is so hard to trust in God on such uncertain times. Keep the faith that he will lead you down the right path and give you the strength to endure what lies ahead. Keep your eyes open for people and things like the woman at church. God does gives us what we need but we have to be open to receive it. I struggle with this daily. Prayers and hugs!
I\'m so happy you had a victory. It\'s so important to celebrate all of them, no matter the size :)
I loved reading this, thanks for sharing. My IF journey has left me questioning my faith, but it also actually led me back to church and I\'ve found that its given me some much needed strength to get through each week, especially after my mc.
Thank you for sharing this victory with us! By no means is the battle over but this is a win that needs to be celebrated :)
Hugs to you...
You are an amazingly strong woman. To conquer your sadness to go to church was a braze thing to do. I don\'t think of it as a small victory. It is a large, wonderful one. It is easy to lose faith in God when things go wrong, especially with what you had to endure. You have held on, struggling through the worst moments and have come out the other side a stronger, more determined woman. I felt that I needed to comment and I hope that it is ok. You have given me hope as well and I thank you for that...Please take care and know that we are all here for you should you ever have the need.