Life (from losinghopeelly journal)

life Monday, February 20, 2012 | A Painful story Days like today make me so frustrated and so desperate for a new life. Yesterday my stomach was sick and my body hurt. If I moved one way or another it was either getting sick or being in agony. My five year old doesn't understand what is going on with his mommy only that she hurts or is sick all the time. My husband tries to understand but he never truly does. We have put off taking vacations to different areas of the country that he would love to go to because I can't walk or stay well enough to really enjoy the vacation. We live in Idaho and not to far away from Yellowstone, my husband today told me that he has wanted to go there for the last several years as he has never been there, but he hasn't said anything to me because he knows to truly enjoy the park takes a lot of walking and he doesn't want to experience it for the first time without me there by his side. I have for years wanted to go up state and dig for star garnets. I want to make some jewelry out of the gems we find. But again my hugeness holds me back because I am afraid of not being able to enjoy it. This year for Valentines day my husband sent me tulips and a garnet necklace. I asked him what made him choose that combination and his reply to me was that because he knows I have wanted to dig for the garnets and this was his way of giving me a garnet of my own and that I love tulips so much but don't have the energy or mobility to go out a prepare a flower bed to plant them on my own so he gave me some to look at. My five year old son today while we are in the store points to a bat and ball set and asks me if we can play ball and then before I can answer he says "maybe when mommies back gets better but not today." Those few things hit home more than anything in the world. I look at my mother who has suffered with diabetes for a long time and she has had two toes amputated off her foot because she developed an ulcer that became an infection in the bone and everyday she cries to me that she is scared she is going to end up losing the yet another toe. She got the ulcer as a result of having no feeling in feet and got a sliver in her toe that she did not even know was there. This scares me because when my blood sugar numbers don't stay stable I lose the feeling in my feet and it scares me to death to walk around at all for fear of getting something like that. Even more so after I had the operation on my foot and after it had healed and I was allowed to walk on it the incision site opened up on me and started bleeding and the only reason I noticed something was because I glanced down at my feet while going the bathroom and noticed a pool of blood. Who knows how long it would have bled if that hadn't happened and it was a good day up until then I was fairly active. I am trying to prepare things for Wednesday and the two following days as I have to have the third set in a series of three shots in my spine in two places. This procedure entails three different shots into my spine in two different places. I have to stay down only getting up to use the bathroom for the first 24 hours after it. So see I'm not a stranger to risks because with these shots there is the risk that if I move during the shot then I will be paralyzed for life. Your not put to sleep during this procedure and are awake the whole time. You feel everything because they need to know they are hitting the right spots. Then after these shots they are going to wait a bit and then do a radio-frequency ablation where they will kill the nerve endings in my L-4 and L-5 spinal joints. I've gotten to the point that if it wasn't for those that love me so much that I would leave behind I would just give up. I'm seriously depressed. The doctor thinks its because my blood sugars are not stable. I tell him I think its because of all the crap I go through on a day in and day out basis. Its hard to look back on my life and know that just a few years ago (before my son came into my life as he is adopted) and know that I was the director of christian childrens after school program and that I ran around and stayed active with those kids like you wouldn't believe and now I have a hard time walking from my house to my mail box. I used to be able to walk the store and get my groceries with no problem and now I have to use an electric cart. I'm going to die if something doesn't give. Thankfully I have the seminar scheduled for March 13 and talked to someone that has had the surgery with the doctor I chose and found out that as soon as your insurance approves it you have the surgery in 2-3 weeks. The only problem I am having is that the surgery has to be done in a hospital that is two hours away from home. From the day this lady went to the seminar to the day she had the surgery was two months. The doctor told her in this area that is pretty normal. All my appointments and psych exam is in the same hospital that I have the surgery so that means driving back and forth for every appointment. I can handle that and maybe as the weight comes off will start making a day of it with my son and hitting the zoo when go for my appointment. I just want so much to feel better I can't live like this any longer. Writing in a journal like this is helping me realize that I have chosen the route that is going to help me the best. I'm tired of pain, and tired of being sick all the time. I just want to see a future and with this I can. Today has just been a very emotional day because I have been sick and throwing up even plain water all day. I'm tired and fussy and so ready for this maybe the headache and nausea will go away tomorrow and i will feel better.