Life Continues

Saturday, November 28, 2009 - 10:45 AM   I think that this has been somewhat of a full week for me. I feel that there has been more bad than good, but maybe that is just my negative thinking self coming out.   Wednesday I went to see Dr. Martin. We spent most of my hour talking about my least favorite subject; sexual abuse. I have tried almost every way I know how to stay away from this and not talk about it, but I know that I cannot run away and hide forever.   I told Dr. Martin that I felt as though I was a "bad" person because of not only the abuse I sustained as a child, but letting it persist through adulthood. She said that I was not a bad person and that I could not help but follow the behavior I learned as a child from those who abused me. She wanted to know some specifics about exactly the type of behavior I was talking about, and I tried telling her that I could not talk about it. She said that I needed to tell her and she wanted me to "just spit it out." Therefore, I did.   I waited for some response from her of condemnation, but it never came. I was very nervous and jumpy by that time, and I believe that Dr. Martin could tell that. I also told her that I still had feelings of wanting to be abused, and she said that many people who have been through the same experiences also had that feeling. We ran out of time at about that point, so I think that when I see her again this Wednesday that is probably where we will pick up.   On Thanksgiving Day, I went to my sisters'. Thanks to my transportation, I arrived there an hour and a half ahead of time. That may have turned out good, because it gave me extra time to talk with my sister about various things. It was kind of like catching up on family news.   We also talked about plans for Christmas. Everybody is supposed to get together at her house on Christmas Eve. Each of us has drawn a name of the person for whom we will get a gift. (I drew my own name, but was not allowed to keep it.) This plan did not go over well with everybody. Some wanted to go to a movie, and others wanted to go to a play or a musical symphony. Personally, I would just as soon stay home and eat a good hamburger!   My brother called to wish me a happy Thanksgiving. I have to admit, that was somewhat of a surprise. I had not heard from him in about three weeks. It seems that just when I give up on him, he somehow manages to come back into my life. He says that he wants to come down and get together with me in about two weeks. That's okay with me.   I have had a change in my nighttime CNA this week. It was a much older woman (who I believe should be retired), and I cannot think of anything that she did right. In fact, she tried changing my catheter by giving it a hard yank. The only thing that did, other than cause a lot of irritation to me, was get a scream from me. At that point, the other CNA took over. The woman who did the damage went into my bathroom and started laughing.   A home healthcare nurse had been scheduled to see me the next day. When she came in and learned what had happened, she examined the area in question and said that she did see a lot of irritation. She said that she was going to notify their office and that I should do the same, which I did. I now have a new CNA to help me on a temporary basis.   One of my nieces who I have not seen for a year has just called to ask if she and her husband can stop by to see me. This is a real surprise. When I first got out of the nursing home some 12 years ago, I used to see them and play cards almost every other week, but something unknown to me brought that to a stop. Ever since then I have seen my niece only at Christmas time. This should be interesting.