life as we know it

today is a good day, caint wait to see how the rest goes for me. i my mind is blank alot latey i kinda wounder if its cu im preping my self for things to work out the way people say , and im just trying to build up a wall so i dont get hurt to bad last time i got hurt was adam , go figure always fall for the ones who prolly shouldnt be with to begin with but they make everr thing so goof, last night smoked a lil and felt good for a change vrs the way my past was. i think im happy right now as far as i can tell im loosing weight im doing good at school. i feel as if i improved as a mother, but i still need a time out from being mommy other then while at school. i need to get my own place and find someone to be a siter , gunna be harder now that amanda is moving away at the end of march . i really dont got anyone in my life these days that i can rely on, so much for having a good support system. but i smile and nod and pretend everything is ok for that. i think i miss it so much cuz my man parties alot, well lest alot more then i do , and i just feel so trapped at home with the kid i hope to god this wont be my life so lonley waiting wounding when hes comming home or where he is or a taxi for him . hmmm time will tell i gues just gotta take it at a day at a time and hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
 
some times i feel its hard not having jordyns father in the pic because it can be another set of hands helping with costs and so on . and then other times i thank god hes not there cuz i see all the drama and hastle there is because having him there my head is a toss up. i dont want what happend to reachel to happen to my kid, or him making it that much harder to raise my kid and thats pritty much it shes mine , i want to prove he is , just to have the paper that says so . but i think i finally deep down know its his .