Life as I know it
Today was a terrible. awful no-good day. Hmmm...wonder where I've heard that before. I had a dannon light yogurt for breakfast, a banana for lunch, a kashi honey granola bar, and an apple and a half. That's exactly 440 calories. I hate myself for hating myself. Why can't I eat normally? I told myself I wasn't gonna go crazy and eat but then I was those god-forsaken apple slices and I just kept eating them and eating them until I felt even more like a bloated whale. I can't even stand myself. I hate being at a normal weight. It's dumb and frustrating and nobody cares about me or loves me at this weight. It makes me want to crawl in a hole and die.
As I've gone through a reflection process trying to fiure out why I got started on the road to ED, I discovered some things. Although it's completely horrifying and repulsive, I sort of do it for attention in a sense. Not in a way like "Oh, look at me, I'm skinny", but more like a cry for help and a subconscious way to get the people who ignored me or took me for granted before to notice me. It's so terrible. I'm so sorry. I'm such a warped, twisted, not to mention huge pathetic excuse for a person. I just feel the pressures of the social world as a teen and there are people that I want to be friends with or what not and they ignore me. I'm not unpopular by any means, I'm actually quite the opposite, I have tons of lovely friends. It's just that longing for what you can't have, you know? My ED is my way of getting revenge on them for neglecting me and laughing and living in (what I consider) their own glorious little world. I want to be part of that world so much. That's one reason I feel in love with the Little Mermaid. She wants so badly to be a part of a world that will have nothing to do with her.
Also, another typical teen problem-love. I keep falling into crushes with random people, daydreaming about them and listening to songs about "us." It's actually quite psychotic, really. I somehow manage to fully retreat into my own fantasy place where we're together and even though in the real world they never paid a speck of attention to me, being in my fantasy world for so long has convinced me that they're ignoring me or that "things have changed" when in reality everything is exactly the same as it was before, except my weight. Anybody relate remotely? I guess I just want so much to find somebody to be in love with that I fabricate these romance stories in my head and base my entire mood and life around them. It's positively bizarre.
Any hoo, I have occupied a largely unnecessary chunk of your time now, so I will cease with my hysterical babbling. Comment soon if I haven't already sent you running =P
love,
Megan
As I've gone through a reflection process trying to fiure out why I got started on the road to ED, I discovered some things. Although it's completely horrifying and repulsive, I sort of do it for attention in a sense. Not in a way like "Oh, look at me, I'm skinny", but more like a cry for help and a subconscious way to get the people who ignored me or took me for granted before to notice me. It's so terrible. I'm so sorry. I'm such a warped, twisted, not to mention huge pathetic excuse for a person. I just feel the pressures of the social world as a teen and there are people that I want to be friends with or what not and they ignore me. I'm not unpopular by any means, I'm actually quite the opposite, I have tons of lovely friends. It's just that longing for what you can't have, you know? My ED is my way of getting revenge on them for neglecting me and laughing and living in (what I consider) their own glorious little world. I want to be part of that world so much. That's one reason I feel in love with the Little Mermaid. She wants so badly to be a part of a world that will have nothing to do with her.
Also, another typical teen problem-love. I keep falling into crushes with random people, daydreaming about them and listening to songs about "us." It's actually quite psychotic, really. I somehow manage to fully retreat into my own fantasy place where we're together and even though in the real world they never paid a speck of attention to me, being in my fantasy world for so long has convinced me that they're ignoring me or that "things have changed" when in reality everything is exactly the same as it was before, except my weight. Anybody relate remotely? I guess I just want so much to find somebody to be in love with that I fabricate these romance stories in my head and base my entire mood and life around them. It's positively bizarre.
Any hoo, I have occupied a largely unnecessary chunk of your time now, so I will cease with my hysterical babbling. Comment soon if I haven't already sent you running =P
love,
Megan
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