life as a swirling vortex
I think of a swirling vortex as the constant motion with a huge hole that is sucking up everything good and making life in general hard. The past week has felt that way and I have allowed it to feel that way. I have a break coming up on Tuesday and I planned it. There was nothing on my schedule and I protected it and kept it that way. I am going to get on a plane, rent a car, check into a hotel and then do whatever I want to do for four days. I won't have any children with me and no one that I am responsible for.
I will eat when I want and what I want and not worry if it is the right thing for anyone else. I will go to the beach and sit quietly and relax and not constantly be searching the horizon for a small person that is swimming out too far. I won't be yelling for anyone or have to worry about packing snacks and drinks or extra towels. I will only worry about myself. Will I be lonely? Not any lonelier than living in a house full of people with demands and needs.
I feel as though I am coming to a crossroads and I need some time by myself to figure out and accept what I want the next six years to look like. Six years will be a graduation date for my youngest and yet another turning point. I can stay where I am for the next six years and tough it out or I can cash in and move and start over. That starting over needs to be about doing the right thing for this family and not running away. I have wanted to run away from this house and this place for more than eight years now. I have held on as I always felt as though it was the right thing to do. Maybe now I see that it wasn't. It was just continuing the legacy that was not a good one.
I want to understand the purpose if there even is one. I have always felt as though there is. This is just a very low point for me with the latest blow to my ego. At least I understand what that is now even though it doesn't make it any easier. Sometimes life is just not all about me. Wouldn't it be nice if it worked that way?! Funny thought.
I just need some time to be alone and regroup and get to a place of acceptance. It has been a long time since I have been there.
I will eat when I want and what I want and not worry if it is the right thing for anyone else. I will go to the beach and sit quietly and relax and not constantly be searching the horizon for a small person that is swimming out too far. I won't be yelling for anyone or have to worry about packing snacks and drinks or extra towels. I will only worry about myself. Will I be lonely? Not any lonelier than living in a house full of people with demands and needs.
I feel as though I am coming to a crossroads and I need some time by myself to figure out and accept what I want the next six years to look like. Six years will be a graduation date for my youngest and yet another turning point. I can stay where I am for the next six years and tough it out or I can cash in and move and start over. That starting over needs to be about doing the right thing for this family and not running away. I have wanted to run away from this house and this place for more than eight years now. I have held on as I always felt as though it was the right thing to do. Maybe now I see that it wasn't. It was just continuing the legacy that was not a good one.
I want to understand the purpose if there even is one. I have always felt as though there is. This is just a very low point for me with the latest blow to my ego. At least I understand what that is now even though it doesn't make it any easier. Sometimes life is just not all about me. Wouldn't it be nice if it worked that way?! Funny thought.
I just need some time to be alone and regroup and get to a place of acceptance. It has been a long time since I have been there.
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